What would you do? (MIL)

[LOTR]

Hi, would love to know what people do as a step between liking each other and no contact - how much interaction do you have weekly?

Me and DP have just bought a house together with the wedding booked for next year. I have tried really hard to get on with my MIL-to-be as she's important to DP obviously and I don't want to fall into the obvious, 'I hate my MIL'. But I really find her hard work. We have nothing in common at all but I've just tried to be polite. That's not the issue...

Every time I see or speak to her, she says something snide/pointed/nasty or bitchy to me - to the extent that my DP admitted that most of his family members have talked to her about how she talks to me (they did this without me knowing and I found out afterwards). Her exH (FIL) thinks this is hilarious and refers to it all the time, "How's it going with the MIL?" [Pointed chuckles]

My issue is that I have started to dread seeing her. My DP says it's not ok and has talked to his mum once about it but won't do more.

I don't really want to see her but I don't think it's a solution to sent him to events by himself as that's what she wants. Do I just need to put up with it? Send him alone?

Any advice would be much appreciated. AIBU in expecting him to deal with and stop his mum?

You must be her mother in law as you are clearly cherry picking from this Forum the smallest example so you minimise the behaviour. Awful

Yes, she's such a laugh.

I love being insulted.

LOTR

Until your DH figures out how to step up, avoid being with her alone.

And if she insults you Infront of him, give him time to respond.. if he doesn’t, the moment she says something rude, walk up to him, look him in the eye, give him a warm sympathetic hug, and say loudly to him,

“Don’t worry, it doesn’t bother us does it”.

Forge a team I guess. Fake it till u make it.

Professional at shifting blame . Eww

Are you being serious? All you've taken from the thread is that I'm being abusive? Can I remind you that his family have defended me to his mum and that this has been going on for more than a year? If that's banter in his family...clearly his family don't agree with you either otherwise they'd think it was normal. FFS.

LOTR - don't rise to it (SaltSpoon, not MiL)

I would think of saltspoon as a surrogate MIL. You might want to try ignoring her. I'm sure that will piss her off as much as anything.

LOTR this is a typical example of what you might face. Manipulation of truth and invention of a new interpretation just so they look like victims even though they’re the ones being malicious. Revolting

LOTR, don’t give it oxygen, you are being goaded. In fact, now is an excellent opportunity to practice your skills for ignoring your MIL.

Lol at least I know now Spoon isn't my MIL...I'm northern as anything!

And yet you think it's odd when families slag each other and call each other weirdo?

Heh heh, my inlaws are Northern. I'm about as Southern as you can get. . .

Funnily enough, my MIL and I can happily exchange insults and banter. Because it's mutual, and it's based in a relationship built on years of creating an understanding of each other. It's based on kindness and liking, if not love.

Some other in-laws. Not soooooo much. . .

SaltSpoon I think you really need to rinse the fruit and veggies off before you eat them

Re your MIL, she sounds poisonous. I’d aim for NC, or as close to that as you can reasonably get for now. When / if you do have to face her then absolutely call her out on it every time. Think of each insulting instance that she does somehow manage as just another reason to leave it that bit longer until she gets to see you / DP again. If she is trying to get more time with her boy by treating you like this, she must quickly learn that only the opposite will happen.

When your MIL does what Salt does, let’s make her our case study, it’s because she is so desperate for sympathy that she is trying to trigger a reaction out of you to validate to herself that she is a victim. In here salt probably was shit to her dil and because she doesn’t want to feel guilt she is trying to prove to herself that people like her dil are evil. Sad people they are

I don't have a DIL, I'm in my 30's, but cool story bro.

Why is the advice on Mumsnet never about how to try to get along with people? I mean, some light slagging really doesn't necessitate the nuclear option. How about just learning to put up with someone or trying to understand them with kindness and tolerance?

How about just learning to put up with someone or trying to understand them with kindness and tolerance?

Yeah, how about that? Maybe the good ol' ma in law could try that?

But living with someone in kindness and tolerance isn't tit for tat. It's saying, "I find this person difficult. How can I think of them/their behaviour generously?" It's an attitude completely absent on Mumsnet.

But living with someone in kindness and tolerance isn't tit for tat. It's saying, "I find this person difficult. How can I think of them/their behaviour generously?"

And again - perhaps Ma in law could be the bigger person? Or should be? It's an attitude that seems to be completely absent in some in-laws'. . .

There's no shortage of encouragement - or if you like, pressure - for women to think 'I find this person difficult. How can I think of them/their behaviour generously?" That's the social default. MN advice can make a refreshing change.

@SaltSpoon
"How about just learning to put up with someone or trying to understand them with kindness and tolerance"

We shouldn't have to put up with someone who treats us badly and slags us off unneccesarily. Some people don't want to be understood. They find it easier to be nasty than to be nice and don't want others to know what's behind their personality defects. I think the OP has exercised great tolerance with her MIL, a great deal more than I would have done.

Actually you could be onto something - maybe the OP's MIL should try to understand her DIL and exercise kindness and tolerance towards her.