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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you do? (MIL)

210 replies

LOTR · 08/04/2019 17:40

Hi, would love to know what people do as a step between liking each other and no contact - how much interaction do you have weekly?

Me and DP have just bought a house together with the wedding booked for next year. I have tried really hard to get on with my MIL-to-be as she's important to DP obviously and I don't want to fall into the obvious, 'I hate my MIL'. But I really find her hard work. We have nothing in common at all but I've just tried to be polite. That's not the issue...

Every time I see or speak to her, she says something snide/pointed/nasty or bitchy to me - to the extent that my DP admitted that most of his family members have talked to her about how she talks to me (they did this without me knowing and I found out afterwards). Her exH (FIL) thinks this is hilarious and refers to it all the time, "How's it going with the MIL?" [Pointed chuckles]

My issue is that I have started to dread seeing her. My DP says it's not ok and has talked to his mum once about it but won't do more.

I don't really want to see her but I don't think it's a solution to sent him to events by himself as that's what she wants. Do I just need to put up with it? Send him alone?

Any advice would be much appreciated. AIBU in expecting him to deal with and stop his mum?

OP posts:
Original poster
LOTR · 09/04/2019 19:36

He came back and said he didn't want to talk about it really but she took it on the chin. No more details but he said it had to be done.

I trust him so I'm choosing to believe him but I'll be watching her reaction the next time I see her. If it's normal, I'll know whether the convo happened or not...

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 09/04/2019 19:40

It happened. He said mum Lotr gets sensitive. She said I KNOW RIGHT. And they had a laugh and ate lunch.
Why are you accepting I don’t want to talk about it? Just say she’s your mother and if she’s going to be a complete asshole to me we - you and I have a huge problem, so you should be able to tell me the conversation you had about me! If you really can’t tell me I think it probably didn’t happen or she didn’t listen.

Shinesweetfreedom · 09/04/2019 20:01

I am so glad I am old and don’t have to deal with this shit any more.
My ex mil was a pain but not as bad as yours.
Ex did not deal with it,liked to think he was a tough guy,but bottled out on this one.
Trust me it needs addressing now and by him and properly.
This will eat away at the marriage and even if you go no contact what about possible future children.
It is an unnecessary problem that shouldn’t happen,and yes even when you get through it,it does affect how you feel about your partner.You will feel an unspoken resentment towards him.You may not think it now,but you will. It will grow over the years.In the end the mil is not the problem ,but how you will lose respect and resent your dh.
Deal with it now before marriage, before you go any further.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 09/04/2019 20:15

I agree with everyone else, you need to see this improve long term before getting married and having children (if you plan to). Once kids are involved, there is every chance his mum will have their ears when you're not there. Your DP isn't going to protect them, he isn't going to stand up for you.

I can't believe your DH arranged lunch to talk to his mum and didn't even mention it to you. You should be a team and on the same page, something like this needs your input and you should have been there (if nothing else to show that you and DP are dealing with this together). Otherwise, it's him and his mum, chatting about you. He's unlikely to have had such a major turn around with his mum in such a short space of time after so long of inaction, so I'd chance that it didn't go as you think it did.

Good luck OP, you really need it.

SchoolOfLife2 · 09/04/2019 20:50

Op.. I cannot stress enough how hard your gonna kick yourself in the backside if you look back on this and realize you based everything on blind trust.

For ur sake and for ur fiancé sake, for the love to not perish, you need a plan on how to deal with her and you need to be onto the details and you need to be convinced..BEFORE the wedding.

I would delay the wedding no matter how much that’s costs until I give fiancé time to find a backbone. He can’t make a big turn around in short notice.

MrsMorse · 09/04/2019 21:03

Think fact he doesn’t want to tell you about it shows you won’t agree with what they talked about. And you can trust him but ask for the details, it’s about you!!!

Original poster
LOTR · 09/04/2019 21:30

I read the above and so asked him what his mum says. He gave the general gost of the conversation. Something like, "you were a PITA when moving, mum...you shouldn't have said that comment about idiots (he says she says f***g weirdo...maybe she did...that's no better)"

We had a really long chat about difference between what I had thought he would say and what he did and how we aren't on the same page. Agreed to wait for her to be rude again and bring up the convo with both of us. I said he had to back me up and talked about trust etc

I also said until this convo took place we can visit hers and he can see her out but she can't come to the house as she is making me feel bullied and unsafe (EA mother so not okay with me to have her in my safe space atm - too emotional about her to want her there).

He was very unhappy - and eventually cried and said he wished this wasn't one of the first things we did in the new house.

He calmed down, reiterated that it wasn't my fault, agreed to sleep on it before discussing it again and went for alone time.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/04/2019 21:50

In the end the mil is not the problem, but how you will lose respect and resent your dh

I know you won't believe me OP, but these are very wise words from Shine

His "not wanting to talk about it" and going off for "alone time" are no surprise, nor is the pointless agreement to "bring up the convo with both of us" when it happens again. He could of course have done it this time but chose not to, almost certainly because that would have upset mummy and forced into the open something he just doesn't care enough about your needs to confront

Frankly this is almost like watching a slow motion car crash, but nobody else can tell you what to do; that's quite rightly up to you, but remember Mumsnet will still be here for you after the almost-inevitable result

Motoko · 09/04/2019 23:51

You need to make him more scared of losing you, than he is of his mother. Did you warn him this could be the end of your relationship? Just saying you're not on the same team is not strong enough.

justilou1 · 10/04/2019 00:58

What an absolutely wishy-washy response to a problem that is genuinely hurting you and affecting his relationship with you. Obviously you have every reason to be disappointed by his lack of support.

Nat6999 · 10/04/2019 02:47

Run now before you get tied to him for life. He hasn't the balls to stick up for you, he's a mummy's boy, he will never put his mum in her place because he daren't. If you marry him you will have this until the day she dies & probably even after then because his excuse will be that you never liked his mum. If he was any kind of a man, he would have called her out over what she has said & he hasn't. Every little thing will go back to his mum & you will get the blame every time. Get out now before it's too late.

notsodimwit · 10/04/2019 04:25

Op Flowers my father's mum was like this to my lovely mumSad It never stops! All l can remember growing up was her calling and being unkind to my mum! It affected me as I never liked going to her house.
Think very very carefully before you have children with this man as all your arguments with him will be over his mum! Every decision mum and dad made over me was challenged by this woman...everything however small, that they bought me was challenged by this woman...every holiday, christmas, birthday, easter break something was not to her liking! IT WAS HELL ON EARTH!Angry x

notsodimwit · 10/04/2019 05:14

Also mum used to tell dad to have a word with his mum when he took me (kicking and screaming) to see her as my mum at that point refused to go with him. He NEVER did!Sad but he used to tell my mum she had apologizedHmm. She was terrible! Horrible woman!
She could be in your life for the next 30+ years Sad you need to sort it out now or move on without him Sad It gets worse once children come along!

notsodimwit · 10/04/2019 05:16

Phew! Got that off my chest Grin

HopefulAgain10 · 10/04/2019 05:31

What a pathetic response from him. He cried and turned it around .

So he didnt want this tainting the new house yet was hoping to let her comments about you and the new house slide? How manipulative of him.

Think long and hard, you've been warned about what your future is going to be like. Hes spineless and she will no doubt get her way.

timeisnotaline · 10/04/2019 07:44

Well done on bringing it up again op. Don’t back down because of tears.

Merryoldgoat · 10/04/2019 11:39

He's a weak and manipulative fool.

Marry him if you want but he won't improve. You'll be fighting forever.

SchoolOfLife2 · 10/04/2019 14:35

You will be fighting forever and accused of nagging , while he considers himself to be the peaceful guy stuck between two negative women. Innocent lamb

harrietpn · 10/04/2019 15:05

OP, I've been in your exact position - constant jibes, criticisms, pointing out what I was spending money on, making out husband was so hard done by. It took a long time for DH to see it. I actually went to therapy just to show I'd done the work on my end. I'd say don't go through with the wedding if DH isn't showing deep concern about how miserable this is clearly making you. We eventually had to go NC. I'd recommend not taking MIL on - she wants conflict and for it to seem mutual. Leave it to your DH. I also wouldn't be happy with them going off for private lunches, she needs to understand that after marriage you will always be in the picture and she can't have a nice relationship with her son and a lousy one with you. We eventually went NC after MIL after MIL got angry and revealed all her true thoughts about me (I was dreadful, unfit mother, wished we had never met). Play the long game, be nice to her face, let your DH see you are working on being nice, bring up instances with DH as soon as they happen so they can't be watered down. He needs to stick up for you and have more respect for himself.

Confusedbeetle · 10/04/2019 15:12

If your partner makes it clear her remarks are unacceptable they will stop. The old saying" Dont make me choose between my mother or my wife, because I will choose my wife" Is the most powerful message . My brother said this to my mother

SchoolOfLife2 · 10/04/2019 15:16

I’m not sure I agree with “don’t make me choose between my mum or my wife, I will always choose my wife”

If the wife wasn’t making such jibes and remarks on the mother, I would expect him to stand up for his mother too. This isn’t competition. A mother is a mother, a wife is a wife. It’s not the same relationship

CarolDanvers · 10/04/2019 15:16

Just quietly tell her to fuck off every time....and deny it if she complains

I absolutely love this Grin

SchoolOfLife2 · 10/04/2019 15:17

if the wife was making*. Typo

CarolDanvers · 10/04/2019 15:18

As for advice. Do it right back at her in a loud aggressive voice. It was the only thing that worked with my ex FIL. Make it not worth it to her, let her know there'll be fight every time she does. She will either flounce off or she will subside.

Butterymuffin · 10/04/2019 15:30

I'm glad you made him cry and set the boundary about her coming to the house. So far he's got you to put up with every single thing she's done with no consequences for her. You need to show him that it won't go on that way. Don't accept being consistently his second priority.

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