What would you do? (MIL)

[LOTR]

Hi, would love to know what people do as a step between liking each other and no contact - how much interaction do you have weekly?

Me and DP have just bought a house together with the wedding booked for next year. I have tried really hard to get on with my MIL-to-be as she's important to DP obviously and I don't want to fall into the obvious, 'I hate my MIL'. But I really find her hard work. We have nothing in common at all but I've just tried to be polite. That's not the issue...

Every time I see or speak to her, she says something snide/pointed/nasty or bitchy to me - to the extent that my DP admitted that most of his family members have talked to her about how she talks to me (they did this without me knowing and I found out afterwards). Her exH (FIL) thinks this is hilarious and refers to it all the time, "How's it going with the MIL?" [Pointed chuckles]

My issue is that I have started to dread seeing her. My DP says it's not ok and has talked to his mum once about it but won't do more.

I don't really want to see her but I don't think it's a solution to sent him to events by himself as that's what she wants. Do I just need to put up with it? Send him alone?

Any advice would be much appreciated. AIBU in expecting him to deal with and stop his mum?

I have to say, these comments just sound humerous and lighthearted to me! Are you a bit of a dryshite?

SaltSpoon Are you a bit of a GF? They are not in the slightest bit humorous.

Chowmum I agree, really want to have a deep conversation with these pp and understand how they think 🤔 as it might help me understand MIL. I thought she was one of a kind with such “jokes”.

Schooloflife - the only conclusion I've been able to come to is that either ILs like this want zero relationship with the wife or they don't care/ want the relationship to break down. My MIL clearly thought we would break up due to her interfering but actually we are stronger than ever thanks to her.

Do you never slag each other in your families? It's quite an affectionate thing to do.

Do you never slag each other in your families? It's quite an affectionate thing to do.

So ur suggesting OP does it back to MIL? She will be grateful ?

Genuinely, are your families so joyless that you can't call each other weirdo every now and then? The drama!

Salt my question was genuine too. Can she tell her MIL that her name is funny she would chuckle in her funeral ?

Do you never slag each other in your families? It's quite an affectionate thing to do.

Oh yes. That one. Except - it seems that it's a one way street. Mortal offence is taken if utmost sensitivity and respect is not shown to the inlaws.

That one is up there with 'oh, it's just their way'. . .

Maybe chuckle at her wedding - funeral's a bit much.

Oh it's just their way'

Well yeah. What's wrong with that? Not everyone is incapable of joy.

Nothing wrong with joy. Nothing wrong with a bit of courtesy and respect neither. They're not mutually exclusive.

Ever heard the saying 'it's only a joke if all the parties are laughing'?

But rudeness and nastiness barely disguised as humour - if that's 'just their way', and they can't take it just as well as they dish it out - where's the joy in that? Apart from for the person/people getting away with being rude and nasty? Why should someone just have to sit there and take it in silence, because 'it's just a bit of banter'.

I finally turned around and said, 'well that may be their way, but it's not mine, and I see absolutely no reason why I should have to accommodate 'their way', when they make absolutely no attempt to accommodate mine. And particularly when, if I actually respond in 'kind', because, you know, this is 'the family way', then WWIII ensues because I've been SO rude'!

Mobs..: absolutely, you should’ve seen my MIL over the top reaction when I dared toe outside the line and make a friendly joke that wasn’t even slightly as rude as what she spits at me:

“She doesn’t value me”.

That’s when I realised her jokes were never really jokes were they

I don't know why you think the MIL can't take a slagging, there's nothing to suggest the OP has engaged in that with her at all. Only po-faced serious conversations and drawing red lines.

SaltSpoon you might want to RTFT, or at least OP's own posts. I could just about see what you're saying if this was only one person, but we're told that it's got to the point where most family members have spoken to the MIL about her behaviour - and that's coming from the fiance, who clearly doesn't want to face this at all

Hardly something to be joyful and lighthearted about, is it?

Unimpressed with the attitude of 'it's just a joke'...no it's not you are being a nasty horrible cow. There are many more examples if you want them - his entire family have talked to her about her behaviour so clearly I'm not the only one thinking it's not just banter.

I told DP earlier it's making my reconsider everything including getting married. He's promised to sort it. Obviously light on the details...I'll talk to him more when he finishes work.

There are jokes you use with friends and things you don't say with your family. The weirdo comment was shouted about me at my MOH and her partner as they walked through the door on moving day. Clearly not a joke. She also followed me and MOH around all day, criticising, making faces and slagging off anything I said.

Agree with pp he needs which he is more scared of - losing me or falling out with her. At least I'll know where I stand. Half tempted to show him the thread but I'm not sure he'd like what I've written which might unfocus the issue...

Holy shit... this is downright bullying

Op this is going to ruin your mental health... don’t burn yourself to make others happy... whoever loves you won’t expect that of you...

If this ruins your mental health, you might go into darkness and start lashing out at everything and everyone and lose everyone around u... and ur DH at that point, would he rewind and think he contributed to all this? Or will he just blame you for being hard to live with ?

If your dad mocked your DH in the same way, his appearance or his house or career or wits... would he laugh at it and consider it banter???

Would he be happy with you telling him that she is just joking and ur over sensitive ?!

I know he is responsible for his inaction and that's hard.

In every other aspect of our lives he is just perfect for me - he's kind, funny, supportive and helpful. He gets on well with my family and my friends all love him. He works hard and has supported me so much in the last year with bereavements. It is just this that makes me terrified about marrying him.

He lived at home before he moved in with me six months ago and then we've just bought a house together. He's cut down on contact with his mum - they used to do phone calls daily and visits four or five days a week to twice a week and phone calls every other day. He told me last night that he phoned her two weeks ago (again without telling me) as he'd decided the second visit was not great for me or him weekly (it was in the guise of making us dinner one night a week and turned into two hour visits) so he's asked her not to do that anymore.

Maybe he just needs a bit more time. I have called him out on communicating with me though as he should have flipping told me about no second visits so I could feel more supported by him.

Half tempted to show him the thread

I'd strongly advise against it - you're already being gaslighted quite enough, so allowing him into a forum you can use as a safe space hardly seems wise

I absolutely believe you about him having good points, but you're quite right to be terrified about marrying as things stand ... you see, those points have a way of becoming spoiled when the really important issue of being a proper team just isn't there

Yeh don’t show him he might just say “ this isn’t u, this Mumsnet forum is pitting against me.. “ and every time u bring it up he will blame Mumsnet for ruining ur beautiful tolerant mind

Don't try to ruin your DP's relationship with his family. That's very controlling because you don't understand a bit of banter. Reel it back in. Your poor DP - very dramatic!

The only person ruining the relationship with the DH is the mother.

You r unbelievable Salt. Ur poor DIL as it sounds like ur projecting

And would you and your family genuinely never have a laugh together and call each other weirdos? You are the problem here, and Mumsnet is winding you right up to very destructive and abusive behaviour towards your DP.