What would you do? (MIL)

[LOTR]

Hi, would love to know what people do as a step between liking each other and no contact - how much interaction do you have weekly?

Me and DP have just bought a house together with the wedding booked for next year. I have tried really hard to get on with my MIL-to-be as she's important to DP obviously and I don't want to fall into the obvious, 'I hate my MIL'. But I really find her hard work. We have nothing in common at all but I've just tried to be polite. That's not the issue...

Every time I see or speak to her, she says something snide/pointed/nasty or bitchy to me - to the extent that my DP admitted that most of his family members have talked to her about how she talks to me (they did this without me knowing and I found out afterwards). Her exH (FIL) thinks this is hilarious and refers to it all the time, "How's it going with the MIL?" [Pointed chuckles]

My issue is that I have started to dread seeing her. My DP says it's not ok and has talked to his mum once about it but won't do more.

I don't really want to see her but I don't think it's a solution to sent him to events by himself as that's what she wants. Do I just need to put up with it? Send him alone?

Any advice would be much appreciated. AIBU in expecting him to deal with and stop his mum?

I'm not sure what he'll do. He commented to me two days ago that the women in his life have never got on and gave me a list of combos that all involved his mum.

I told him gently that perhaps there was a common factor there and pointed out that I got on with everyone else.

I just get so cross with it - I wish there wasn't an issue - she's the most consistently nasty woman I think I've ever met. And over two years of letting it slide is quite enough.

If he's not willing to stand up for you, you need to give him an ultimatum, and mean it. "The marriage is off, unless you deal with your mother, and either stop her being so nasty to me, or stop seeing her. It's NOT her humour, it's her being nasty, because she wants to be the only woman in your life."

If nothing happens, and you go ahead and marry him, you'll be divorced within years. And if you have children, he'll take them to see her, and she'll drip poison in their ears about you, to try to turn them against you.

I told him gently that perhaps there was a common factor there and pointed out that I got on with everyone else

Careful, OP; you don't need to justify yourself here, or somehow "prove" it's not you - especially if he's trying to move the narrative to it being all the women in his life (a group you'll probably join in his view)

What was his reaction to your comment about the common factor?

Maybe I'm too gobby but there's no way I'd put up with being spoken to like that from anyone, I doubt my response would be any different whether it was MIL or a stranger either.

Can't you just say "what is your problem with me because you're always so rude to me?" It's only a question so it can hardly cause any stress for DH can it. I personally would probably say more than that along the lines of how sick and tired I was of her bullshit and I couldn't be arsed being in her company if she was just going to be obnoxious etc.

Just quietly tell her to fuck off every time....and deny it if she complains

Unless he deals with it, he will never have a successful relationship with another woman until the day she dies, because she will drive them all away. He'll end up a lonely, sad man, full of regret that he allowed her to ruin his life.

Perhaps you should point that out to him.

Your husband needs to grow a pair. My MIL can be a bit like this. Usually it’s passive aggressive comments to me, making it clear she isn’t happy with numerous things. I ignore those comments but when she is blatantly rude I call her out. Usually I say something along the lines of
“What do you mean by that?”, with a neutral stare, which forces her to repeat her rudeness rudeness and then try to justify it. Totally puts her on the back foot!

A friend of mine does something hilarious EVERY SINGLE TIME people are rude to her. She says “that’s incredibly rude, let’s start again” and walks out of the room and walks in again. People are so shocked they always apologise. I love it.

I said about the common factor and just then.....guess who phoned?

He said 'speak of the devil' and picked up so the conversation didn't carry on.

He's said previously that if he isn't told at the time then he can't deal with it. Like she's a small child and explanation needs to be immediate so she can remember. FFS

Oh, with the bookcase being moved, something like that? 'DP I need you in here. Please move this bookcase back to the position it was before. Right now'.

Let DP know that this is the way it's going to be. So if he's going to find it awkward telling your MIL 'no', he's going to get a whole new magnitude of awkward, when he's put between the two of you, and has to do what you've said, to override what she's just patting herself on the back for having got done.

Who does he get into bed with at night? It's not MIL. Who is he ultimately (perhaps) wanting to have and raise children with? I'm hoping it's not MIL. . .

Would it be worth you going round to see her, and asking her why she keeps being so rude to you? Maybe point out that it is going to have a detrimental effect on her relationship with your soon-to-be DH, and any potential family.

Every time she says something inappropriate or mean I would turn round and pointedly ask her if she meant to undermine you or speak to you so respectfully or disregard your point of view.
You don’t have to be rude but you can call her out EVERY single time she does something disrespectful towards you.
If nothing else you’ll know that you are standing up to her and being the better person who is behaving like a decent adult.
You can hold your head up and feel proud, you never know she may look at you differently and learn to have more respect for you.

Honestly, why would you marry someone who hasn't got your back?

She sounds like a rude cunt.

Most of the time he insists it's her humour.

Point out that no-one else thinks it's funny.

If he's there, repeat what she just said.

But, are you prepared to give an ultimatum? Because it will get worse. And you will have to share any DC when he takes them to visit even if you refuse.

OMG, that whole 'oh, that's just the way they are/it's just our way/ they don't mean to be rude'.

Um, if I talked to them the way they did to me, there would be an uproar. So no, it's rude, they know it's rude, and I'm not prepared to be talked to or treated like that until the end of their days.

I find "How rude" and then carrying on a normal conversation works a treat.

You have a DP problem.

Seriously - you are sitting in a room with another adult woman and she says 'I don't know how I won't burst out laughing at your wedding because your name is so funny' - and you do what? A nervous laugh? Ignore her? And your partner is sitting there too and he does - what? Pretend not to hear the insults or brush it off as 'banter'?! That is appalling. Do not marry a man who doesn't have your back - and no, it doesn't matter that it's his mother - if anything it matters MORE.

You're being bullied. This is an age-old scenario - aggressive, dominant woman insecure as she fears losing her position as central to her son. So she bullies you in order to stay 'top dog'. Ridiculous, but there you go.

So far, you're taking it. It goes without saying that if you were the type to snap back, you'd have done so by now - you'd have put her in her place (or tried to) and this wouldn't be happening. So you could try turning on her, and it might well work. A well timed flounce and a 'thanks for that. Personally I'm absolutely fine with someone who can't control their rudeness not being invited to my wedding - so let's just rearrange the seating now shall we if you won't be there?!' might work wonders.

However you do not seem that type. And anyway, there's more to it - who on earth wants that kind of family life either, where it's all baiting and competitiveness and you're constantly slightly unhappy because his crappy, nasty mother is trying to undermine your parenting and your marriage?

What you do - unless you want a LIFETIME of feeling shit within what will become your own family - is go nuclear Right Now.

You call off the wedding for now.

You sit your DP down and you stare him straight in the eye and say, I'm not signing up for this. I won't have someone in my life, in my family, in my future childrens' lives who puts me down and makes me feel hated.

So we either need to sort out some boundaries or - if you don't want to and aren't prepared to - then we need to split up. I don't care if you think it's her sense of humour, I think she's a nasty bitch, and I don't want a nasty bitch for my childrens' grandparent.

And... mean it!

The 'did you mean to be so rude?' thing won't cut it. It's wishy-washy, and it also gives her an opening for saying yes, indeed she did mean it and for continuing her rudeness. Nor should you just sit there, say nothing and be despised for your weakness. This needs shutting down fast, so the first thing to do is try to get DP onside by giving him the choice. He can call her out on it, or you will, and he might not like what you have to say.

The very next time she does this, ask her to repeat what she just said. Sometimes this alone can close passive-aggressives down: it makes them own their BS and look small, especially in front of others. And if she does repeat it, then you repeat on a loop: 'I thought that was what you said. I'm surprised you should have said such a thing as that out loud. I'm embarrassed for you/most people have a filter and have learned polite behaviour by the time they're your age/it's surprising that you actually consider speaking to others like this is OK'.

Then EVERY time she does this, repeat ad nauseum.

Finally, you have my sympathies OP. I learned tactics like this precisely because I had to deal with a MiL who sounds very similar to yours. I can also tell you that the longer she's able to continue this behaviour unchecked, the worse she will get.

Good luck!

I would seriously consider your relationship op. This won’t go away. Will you be having children with someone who doesn’t have your back?
You need to have a real conversation with your DP. And he needs to have a real conversation with his mother.

It's not your Mil it's your partner. I wouldn't marry someone who lets his mother bully me.

You think you're tired of her after two years? Honey,just wait until you have children with your spineless fiancée (who won't defend you) and then you get to worry about the old crow being nasty to you and influencing a child you live and care for!

Love not live

My MIL is hideously rude to me.
My dh was useless with her, nervous laugh followed by 'you know what she's like'.
After 15 years of putting up with her shit, i am now v.v. low contact with her.
For the first few years, i used to get very cross with my dh for not stopping her, or even being willing to agree with me as to how rude she was, (there was no grey area, she was just fucking rude). Over time, with me gently pointing out her behaviour is not normal, he can now see how bad she is and does not put undue pressure on me to see her and indeed is slowly pulling away from her himself.
Based on my experience, my advice to you, is get it sorted before you marry your dp. Don't assume it will get better by itself, it won't and it will make your life a misery.

Fizzy has it absolutely right.

*You sit your DP down and you stare him straight in the eye and say, I'm not signing up for this. I won't have someone in my life, in my family, in my future childrens' lives who puts me down and makes me feel hated.

So we either need to sort out some boundaries or - if you don't want to and aren't prepared to - then we need to split up. I don't care if you think it's her sense of humour, I think she's a nasty bitch, and I don't want a nasty bitch for my childrens' grandparent. *

Absolutely perfect wording. You can say it calmly and quietly. And be absolutely prepared to end your relationship over it. Tell him if he will not sort his mother out then he is not the man for you.

Frankly, he'll be single his whole life if he's expecting any woman to put up with that from his mother. She sounds hideous.