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AIBU?

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Original poster

What would you do? (MIL)

210 replies

LOTR · 08/04/2019 17:40

Hi, would love to know what people do as a step between liking each other and no contact - how much interaction do you have weekly?

Me and DP have just bought a house together with the wedding booked for next year. I have tried really hard to get on with my MIL-to-be as she's important to DP obviously and I don't want to fall into the obvious, 'I hate my MIL'. But I really find her hard work. We have nothing in common at all but I've just tried to be polite. That's not the issue...

Every time I see or speak to her, she says something snide/pointed/nasty or bitchy to me - to the extent that my DP admitted that most of his family members have talked to her about how she talks to me (they did this without me knowing and I found out afterwards). Her exH (FIL) thinks this is hilarious and refers to it all the time, "How's it going with the MIL?" [Pointed chuckles]

My issue is that I have started to dread seeing her. My DP says it's not ok and has talked to his mum once about it but won't do more.

I don't really want to see her but I don't think it's a solution to sent him to events by himself as that's what she wants. Do I just need to put up with it? Send him alone?

Any advice would be much appreciated. AIBU in expecting him to deal with and stop his mum?

OP posts:
SaltSpoon · 10/04/2019 21:46

But the whole point of tolerance is being kind and generous to someone even if it isn't easy or reciprocated.

SaltSpoon · 10/04/2019 21:46

But the whole point of tolerance is being kind and generous to someone even if it isn't easy or reciprocated.

Original poster
LOTR · 10/04/2019 21:53

But surely tolerance is something you would have with someone being crass or irritating or someone who has idiosyncrasies they can't help.

What are you supposed to tell yourself, "She can't help being a cow?"

She can. There's no reason why she can't be nice. She's nice to other people because I've seen her.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 10/04/2019 21:56

Do you have any reason to believe this person you have never met has idiosyncrasies she cannot help? Or any reason to believe she cannot help being crass or irritating?

If they can help it, do you think that people should be expected to tolerate it?

SaltSpoon · 10/04/2019 21:59

Yes, that's what tolerance is. Being kind to someone who can at times be challenging. Accepting that people aren't perfect and can have bad and good parts about them, and just generally putting up with each other!

Redshoeblueshoe · 10/04/2019 22:10

Or you can choose to ignore people who are vile

mbosnz · 10/04/2019 22:14

Well, that works if it goes both ways. Or if there are good parts along with the bad parts.

Or alternatively, it could be merely being an enabling doormat.

SaltSpoon · 10/04/2019 22:19

Ofgs. The drama!

mbosnz · 10/04/2019 22:21

Exactly. And if poor dear Ma in law could just keep a civil tongue in her head it could all be avoided. . . .

SaltSpoon · 10/04/2019 22:23

You're missing the point of tolerance. It's not tit for tat. The point of tolerance is being kind to someone even if they're being annoying.

SaltSpoon · 10/04/2019 22:25

Can't people just take responsibility for working to make a relationship better themselves, without whining "but she started it!" It's like a schoolyard. Be the bigger person. Stop driving a wedge between your DP and his family. It's not on.

Bitlost · 10/04/2019 22:28

My PIL are complete pains in the arse. I’ve kind of made myself be slightly feared by being a bit cold and off-ish so they never know quite where they stand. They tend to play nicely as a result. You could try that but your fiancé needs to grow a pair - a big one and quickly at that.

mbosnz · 10/04/2019 22:30

No, sorry, people don't have to put up with being belittled and abused, particularly in their own home, just for the sake of making other people's lives easier.

They can be held accountable for their behaviour, and learn that their actions have consequences - for them as well.

Tolerance is not the same as enabling one's own victimisation. I will have tolerance for something someone cannot help - but if they can help their own nastiness, then I will not have tolerance for that. Particularly in my home. No one should have tolerance for that - it's like tolerating racism, or islamophobia. Actually, in my experience, it's the people that you're supposed to have tolerance for their nastiness for, that also you're supposed to tolerate their racism and islamophobia. Because it's all just a bit of a laugh, inn'it.

Original poster
LOTR · 10/04/2019 22:30

DP came home. He said that he's thought on it and we need to cold shoulder her for a while including her not coming to the house until we can discuss her behaviour with her. He wants to wait for an example to arise during conversation and then address it.

Saltspoon - The wedge is being driven in by MIL between us and her. That's what he will make clear. It's not me as an add on, but us. He came to that decision away from me at work.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 10/04/2019 22:34

Good on your DP. There's hope for you yet.

SaltSpoon · 10/04/2019 22:40

Looks like there's no hope. You're determined to separate him from his family. In what world is MIL driving the wedge between her and her son? That's your doing, interesting that you're trying to twist it. What a pity for you DP and his Mum.

mbosnz · 10/04/2019 22:43

Or, again, MIL can show some tolerance, can't she? Depends on what her priorities are really, doesn't it? If she's DETERMINED to drive a wedge between herself, her son and his partner. . . well, that's her choice, isn't it?

EffYouSeeKaye · 10/04/2019 22:54

That sounds positive! I’m pleased it seems as though he is prepared to be more supportive and willing to address the problem properly.

Wantmyflipflops · 10/04/2019 23:01

Don't listen to the tripe in regards to you trying to 'split up the family'. I took abuse, torment and disrespect from my MIL for over a decade and trust me towing the line and 'taking it as a joke' will just make you resent your DH and you will silently hate every occasion that you have to be in her presence for. I bent over backwards for my MIL only to be constantly told how much she loved my DH's ex...how she was surprised he married me as I'm not his type. She tells my husband how light skinned our daughters are (he is black, I'm white) and I recently found out she had been letting herself in and helping herself to things in my house (I have a thread about it).

It never got better, she has something to say about every decision I make. What my kids eat, how they talk, my work, how I look after my family.

I recently kicked off and told her where to go. DH is fully supportive as he has seen me crying over her terrible behaviour and has appreciated how respectful I have always tried to be.

If you don't nip it in the bud now it will get worse.

Maybe you could try talking to her to build a relationship. I had a lunch with my MIL and told her that I would love to be closer to her and to put our issues behind us. Didn't work out for me but maybe if she realises that she is not losing her son and could have a lovely friendship with you she would make an effort?

My MIL is now banned from the house after she was found trying to get in my back door to borrow heated curlers...she is bat shit crazy!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/04/2019 23:05

On the face of it that sounds a little more promising, LOTR, though given the amount that's been kept from you it might be wise not to assume too much until you see what actually happens

And very well done for not rising too much to the goading on here ...

SchoolOfLife2 · 11/04/2019 07:52

My MIL is now banned from the house after she was found trying to get in my back door to borrow heated curlers...she is bat shit crazy!

Shock that’s special type of crazy

Merryoldgoat · 11/04/2019 10:00

I have to say that some of these stories are terrifying.

I'm going to go and buy my MIL and PIL some lovely presents for being so bloody easy!

justilou1 · 11/04/2019 12:57

Well done for banning her. My kids keep asking if they can block my MIL on their phones, but I’m amassing evidence.

SandAndSea · 11/04/2019 16:55

I don't think you create a tolerant society by tolerating being bullied.

Original poster
LOTR · 26/04/2019 14:26

Hiya just to update, DP has continued to enforce a cold-shoulder policy with MIL and has seen her less frequently since expressing his frustration with her attitude to her. She moaned to FIL that he 'invited her out for lunch then spent the whole thing having a go at her' so clearly the convo happened as FIL was chuffed to tell us her reaction.

She came round yesterday to pick up furniture (that I wanted to sell three months ago and she insisted on having). I insisted she came to collect it because without her input I would have sold it and tbh I was sick of looking at it. This is the last in a line of furniture items that she has claimed free off us that probably comes to £400 quid had I sold them...quite frustrating as we are incredibly skint at the moment.

She came in, said hi to me, took the stuff and left. No thanks or anything but I don't care - she wasn't rude and that's the first time that's happened. She clearly followed the 'if you've got nothing nice to say...' policy. DP is taking the lead with how much contact he wants...we'll see how it goes.

OP posts:
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