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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My brother isn't coming to my wedding

224 replies

mozzarellasticks · 29/03/2019 13:25

2 weeks to go until my wedding and I've just received a message from my brother saying he's not coming.

We have a great relationship but he's said he can't come due to lack of money and nothing to wear.

AIBU to think he should've had some money put aside to go to his dearest sister's wedding?

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 29/03/2019 13:26

Some people don't have money to set aside. Can you help?

Hollowvictory · 29/03/2019 13:26

That's very disappointing ffs presumably he's had months possibly years to get something even if from charity shop or borrowed or hired.

GunpowderGelatine · 29/03/2019 13:27

You will get told that it's his choice, it's an invitation not a summons etc but IMO YANBU that is exceptionally shitty. How much would it cost him? Isn't there a family member's house he could stay at?

Original poster
mozzarellasticks · 29/03/2019 13:28

@Disfordarkchocolate Can't really afford to be giving him any money (and it would end up being a gift rather than a loan). I have nothing spare to give him as I've put my own money towards the wedding and just bought my first house

OP posts:
Halloumimuffin · 29/03/2019 13:28

How far in advance was he invited/did he rsvp?

How far would he have to travel, does he have to stay overnight?

MadameAnchou · 29/03/2019 13:28

YABU, it's not for you to decide that someone needs to put by to go to your wedding.

Original poster
mozzarellasticks · 29/03/2019 13:28

@Hollowvictory Yes, very upsetting. I would be happy if he was in jeans and a t-shirt. Would just appreciate him being there

OP posts:
BeanBag7 · 29/03/2019 13:29

Maybe he's just had a big unexpected expense and now can't afford to come. Maybe you could offer to help him or suggest ways he could reduce the price (e.g. does your fiance have an old suit he could borrow)

sweeneytoddsrazor · 29/03/2019 13:29

Depends why he doesn't have the money and how expensive it will be. Does he have to travel, pay for a hotel ?

MirandaWest · 29/03/2019 13:29

Could there be some other reason? Would You be able to offer to help him with costs?

Halloumimuffin · 29/03/2019 13:29

Also, have you sent off final numbers so you will be paying for him?

Original poster
mozzarellasticks · 29/03/2019 13:29

@GunpowderGelatine My other brother has offered to let him stay the night before at his house

OP posts:
BlueSkiesLies · 29/03/2019 13:30

Can a friend loan him something to wear and your parents help with his transport costs?

BlueMerchant · 29/03/2019 13:30

C ould a family member not help him out? Seems sad he can't attend due to finances.

Original poster
mozzarellasticks · 29/03/2019 13:30

@Halloumimuffin Invites only went out beginning of January but we have been engaged since last June

OP posts:
GPatz · 29/03/2019 13:31

Sounds like he originally said he was coming and part of accepting suggests he knew cost implications. Not very nice for you, as I am sure you have already included him in the wedding costs, there being only two weeks to go.

Original poster
mozzarellasticks · 29/03/2019 13:32

@BlueMerchant @BlueSkiesLies He only needs to pay for travel. No one is willing to lend him any money as they know they will not get it back

OP posts:
ScreamScreamIceCream · 29/03/2019 13:32

If your brother generally has money issues e.g. poorly paid then worth asking the rest of your family to help him out.

Mouikey · 29/03/2019 13:33

If you want him there tell him it doesn’t need matter what he wears (because surely that’s a non issue!). In terms of cost, if he doesn’t buy a present (his presence should be enough), the cost would be travel only... can he grab a lift with someone else near him? If he needs somewhere to stay can he stay at yours? Or a friends?

If there is no backstory and you really want him there, then both of the issues are overcomeable!

maggiecate · 29/03/2019 13:33

He might have had an unexpected expense or something going on that you don't know about. If you'd be happy to have him there in jeans tell him that. What he wears doesn't matter, you just want him there - in his PJs if needs be! Just repeat and repeat and make sure he knows you mean it. Have a wonderful day!

Drum2018 · 29/03/2019 13:33

How far away is he from the venue? Would he need to stay in a hotel? Maybe he's had unforeseen financial problems and is genuinely unable to spend money on travel/hotel etc. I'd respect his decision.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 29/03/2019 13:34

If you have a great relationship, can you ask him what's really going on? It sounds like he feels unable to come for a different reason.

Mouikey · 29/03/2019 13:34

Given your update, I guess it comes down to how much you want him there & if you want to gift him the cash for travel

Original poster
mozzarellasticks · 29/03/2019 13:35

@maggiecate thank you. I'm trying my best to persuade him to come, it won't be the same without him there. It's only a small wedding but he's one of the most important people in my life and I'd like him to be there

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 29/03/2019 13:36

OP quite a few people have asked you this - how far does he have to travel?

Invites went out in January, tbh I don't think I'd be able to save enough money to go to one of my siblings birthdays by then.

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