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AIBU?

My brother isn't coming to my wedding

224 replies

mozzarellasticks · 29/03/2019 13:25

2 weeks to go until my wedding and I've just received a message from my brother saying he's not coming.

We have a great relationship but he's said he can't come due to lack of money and nothing to wear.

AIBU to think he should've had some money put aside to go to his dearest sister's wedding?

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ILoveAllRainbowsx · 30/03/2019 19:11

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ILoveAllRainbowsx · 30/03/2019 19:11

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mozzarellasticks · 30/03/2019 19:12

@ILoveAllRainbowsx we are doing our wedding completely on the cheap. The most expensive thing was my dress £180. We're having a registry office wedding for £95 and my FIL will be paying food and drinks at our local Wetherspoons

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mozzarellasticks · 30/03/2019 19:13

@ILoveAllRainbowsx never said I have thousands! Confused

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Yougotdis · 30/03/2019 19:18

Oh bore off rainbows. She shouldn’t be in a position where she may have to pay

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CarryOnPaul · 30/03/2019 19:18

That’s OK. I’m sure he wishes you every happiness for your wedding day and life with your new partner. Relax about it and don’t let it spoil your relationship with him.

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MissKittyFantastico0 · 30/03/2019 19:22

As someone who's currently going through a similar situation, it's tough, I know. Money is tight everywhere and frankly he should've thought in advance. But he's not and you're now in this quandary. If you can, pay for him to be there (travel fare), sod the fancy clothes and as you said he has free accomodation up for grabs. Believe me, it's worth him being there, even if he doesn't realise it yet. If coming from you/family is an issue for him then perhaps your G can suggest it. If he is still against it then frankly your entire family needs to back you. There is a difference between unavailability and laziness. People can be unbearably selfish and not realise they're doing so. Don't let this get in the way of your wedding and marriage, you do you ❤️
Good luck xxx

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cakeandchampagne · 30/03/2019 19:30

Caffeineplease made the extra effort- and it turned out to be very important. It seems you should too, so no matter what the future brings, you will have no regrets.

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GPatz · 30/03/2019 19:35

Make up your mind @rainbows. Emergency savings are just for that ; emergencies, such as boiler repairs. You think she should be dipping into those funds to pay for anything else? Wouldn't that also be the wrong thing to do in your book? Give over.

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whyamievenamazeddotcom · 30/03/2019 19:36

Then of course tell him you’d love to have him there in jeans and a t shirt why won’t he he give the money back is he just really skint or is there a pattern to him not paying back

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katseyes7 · 30/03/2019 19:37

lf this had happened to me last year when l was on benefits, l'd have had to do the same. There were times when l didn't have enough to buy a loaf of bread. Please ask him if he's struggling. Even if he can't come, you'll know why.

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mummmy2017 · 30/03/2019 19:39

Can someone go and fetch him?
Then send him back on a bus?
He may be finding the thought of travel difficult...

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mozzarellasticks · 30/03/2019 19:39

@whyamievenamazeddotcom He has a terrible history with money. My parents have helped him out time and time again and never see any money in return

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mozzarellasticks · 30/03/2019 19:41

@mummmy2017 Travel shouldn't be a problem. He's made the effort to visit the area almost weekly since he left a few months ago

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poppy54321 · 30/03/2019 19:41

Tell him you really really really want him to be there, that he is important to you and this will be the most important day of your life so far. Tell him he might not understand now but when he is married he most likely will. Just plead with him until he gives in. He can hire or borrow a suit or you or someone else can hire him a suit.

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spingiscomming · 30/03/2019 19:41

Reminds me of my sisters wedding - my little brother called 48h before to say he hadn’t booked his flights and couldn’t afford them - I paid last minute flights in the middle of August for him to come - I could barley afford it - and even though it hurt me financially - and also knowing that the week after he went on holiday with mates - I’m glad I did. Maybe someone else will offer - but you shouldn’t I don’t think. Take care- and have a wonderful wedding - those who care come - well wishers welcome- just remember that!

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Worriedwart18 · 30/03/2019 19:44

£20 from you
£20 from other brother
£20 from him

Sorted.

If you want him there that badly.

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Worriedwart18 · 30/03/2019 19:45

And meant to say another £20 from parents.

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Namenic · 30/03/2019 19:56

Easiest way is to buy the coach tickets. £35 (if he agrees to come). Maybe skip a couple of meals?

Some people are alcoholic, gambling addicts etc... in that they find it hard to control spending/behaviour even if it means they get made homeless or endanger their life. I think you just have to accept that this is what he’s like And make an exception for a special event.

I have a relative just like this (worse - as people have to contribute to his rent). The way I cope is to see him as having the decision making ability and maturity of a child ( though he has a normal IQ). He has no impulse control and does not think of others BUT I try to remember he is NOT malicious and can be thoughtful in different ways. Don’t let this spoil your day or relationship with him.

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CarryOnPaul · 30/03/2019 20:09

I can’t get over why it matters so much if he attends? He can’t afford it. Why isn’t that enough? This doesn’t feel to me like a problem that needs solving. You can’t force someone to go to your wedding, and forcing charity on them won’t help. It’s possibly a good idea to not make him feel worse than he does or your relationship will suffer. Relax and enjoy the guests who could make it.

Fwiw, my brother didn’t come to my wedding either because he was working, my wife and I spent approximately five seconds thinking about it.

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canadianbanana · 30/03/2019 20:16

As to why he didn’t save enough money in spite of knowing since last year, you’ve kind of answered that question by saying no one will lend him money as they won’t get it back. Clearly your brother is terrible with money. Which is why he can’t afford to attend. Sounds to me like he’s playing the pity party card hoping someone will give him the money he needs. Sorry for your sake, though.

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OohYeBelter47 · 30/03/2019 21:01

It's really hard living close to the bone, £80 or £53 is a lot, in which case I'd say you should pay. However you then drip feed that he has been paying to come and visit the area almost weekly! that puts it in a completely different context...

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ZippyBungleandGeorge · 30/03/2019 21:10

OP that's so sad, I know people are saying you should pay or he's not had long to save, but he's your brother, he works and it's £50 if he'd saved twenty pounds out of each pay check this year he could come. My DB flew long haul with SIL and my two year old (at the time) niece to come to my wedding. He's a grown up and if he wanted to be there he would.

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GeeksCanBeMumsToo · 30/03/2019 23:32

Is money an excuse? Is he married? If not, does he want to be? Could he be jealous or embarrassed not to have someone to bring? How’s his mental health? I just keep reading about male suiside being so high—could he be depressed? Hope you sort it out x

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BowStreetStunner · 30/03/2019 23:35

Let him know you do not care what he wears you just want him there be really honest tell him how much it means to you and it would not be the same without him.

You can buy suits in places like Primark or Asda now not Gucci I know but surely someone can lend him £20 or so to get one if he really feels he needs a suit and crash at someone's place there has to be a way around it!

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