My brother isn't coming to my wedding

[mozzarellasticks]

2 weeks to go until my wedding and I've just received a message from my brother saying he's not coming.

We have a great relationship but he's said he can't come due to lack of money and nothing to wear.

AIBU to think he should've had some money put aside to go to his dearest sister's wedding?

£80? If I wanted to, I could put a message on our local Facebook page right now saying 'hi, I'm available for work at the weekend. Can help with anything; lifting, shopping, gardening, skip runs, you name it. I charge ten pounds per hour.' It would have several yes pleases within ten minutes. Maybe different areas are different.

It's hard to judge this without the backstory really. In principle I think YABU to be angry at someone for not being able to afford to come - many people are living very close to the bone and it's not for you to judge - but it seems like your brother is irresponsible and profligate rather than poorly paid/has a lot of expenses. If so, no one could blame you for being irritated but after all, you know who he is and have known for a long time - do you want him there anyway or only if he manages to be different?

Do you want him there because he has good qualities and you love him despite his faults, or for the sake of "family"?

dont send him the money- send him the train ticket itself

It sounds like he is the sort who doesn't care about disappointing people. I bet if it wasn't money it would be another crappy excuse.

@arethereanyleftatall I agree with you but I don't see him as the type to put in any extra effort

Let him live with the consequences of his poor money skills. Sounds like everyone is fed up bailing him out so tell him straight he's brought this upon himself and while you'll be devastated he can't join you, no-one is prepared to send him cash - again.

Bet he finds a way to be there.

£80 is a lot of money to someone who has none.

It doesn’t sound like he ever intended to go, tbh! It’s a shame but what can you do?

Try not to let it ruin your day. I would just reiterate that it’s important, you don’t care what he wears, you don’t want a gift. You just want him there.

He was perhaps expecting one or all of you to foot the bill!

@TeuchterTraveller you've hit the nail on its head!

Maybe he doesn't like weddings much?

If I really wanted him there I’d buy him a train ticket.

He doesn't want to be there. If he did he would have made more of an effort.
I wouldn't beg or bend over backwards for him to come.

To be honest, I'm surprised that knowing what he's like with money, and that your parents thought this would happen, and you still really want him there, you hadn't either bought him his train tickets (would a coach be cheaper than a train) or arranged for some other way to get him there.

Your relationship can't be that great if he's done this, otherwise he'd have done everything he can to come.

My mum has just looked up the journey he'd need to take and found tickets for £53. So if we are going to pay for his travel I'd be better off buying the tickets myself rather than him making me pay more

Would he use them? If you can afford to waste £53 then I’d buy the tickets not being 100% he would use them!

Could he be suffering with anxiety and all the fuss and flounce of a wedding is just too much for him to cope with?

Yeah, my brother is the same. Can he take a coach? I think you can buy the ticket for him.

Don't buy tickets without checking first that he'll use them, it'll make it worse. Are you sure he really wants to come? He can not want to come but still love you, you know?

How much is a coach?

I get the impression he’s always expected you to bail him out in mig and that your wedding is no different,

He couldn’t be bothered to save and is now purposefully trying to guilt you to get you to pay for it. My guess is that this was his plan all along.

To be fair to him, people saying he should have saved - They booked the wedding in January. Not like he has had 12 months to plan it!

How much is the coach?

I could be wrong but I would guess that in his mind you have a lot of money since you're having a wedding and just bought a house, so you owe him and he wants to use you. I've known people like that. I would not give him any cash but I would offer to buy him the things he needs (tickets/borrow an outfit for him from your fiance or other brother) and if he declines then you know he's just trying to get some cash out of you. You can then decide what kind of relationship you want with that.

This does seem like a diversionary tactic to put the emphasis back on him tbh, OP. Would it be possible to speak to the rest of the family and come up with a consistent 'shame, you'll be missed' message and see what happens? I wouldn't be too surprised if he can suddenly magic up a suit and a train ticket if he thought he was going to be ignored/miss out?

Have a lovely wedding whatever happens!

How long has the date been set for?