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AIBU?

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Original poster

My brother isn't coming to my wedding

224 replies

mozzarellasticks · 29/03/2019 13:25

2 weeks to go until my wedding and I've just received a message from my brother saying he's not coming.

We have a great relationship but he's said he can't come due to lack of money and nothing to wear.

AIBU to think he should've had some money put aside to go to his dearest sister's wedding?

OP posts:
MaMisled · 29/03/2019 14:45

Maybe he just can't face it or? For any number of reasons? Is he a drinker? Have anxiety? Suffering a break up? Low self esteem?Just a thought but the thought of such a special occasion is just too much for him.

Original poster
mozzarellasticks · 29/03/2019 14:48

For those asking I have just looked at coaches. About £35 for a 6.5hr journey

OP posts:
notacooldad · 29/03/2019 14:52

Why is it such a big deal to you if he comes if it is not a big deal to him.
My philosophy these days is to be bothered about other people as they are about you. That includes family.

DMdrivingmecrazy · 29/03/2019 14:52

If you want him there, just pay for the ticket. You may or may not get the money back but tbh that wouldn't be important to me, I would just want my brother there.

Widowodiw · 29/03/2019 14:57

Well if you really want him
There you need to get him
There (literally) and you need to get him an outfit. He’s your brother, you want him there this is what you do for family. Yes despite whether you think he should have sorted himself out.
Remember it’s ykur wedding the most important day but you
Brother won’t think quite like that. Won’t your parents help to get him an outfit ?

AcrossthePond55 · 29/03/2019 15:00

I suppose there could be other reasons than money why he isn't coming. Recent breakup or perhaps not having a 'special someone' in his life so attending would be depressing? (Yes, yes, he should 'get over it' but it's not always that easy) Perhaps he doesn't like your fiancé? Not suggesting your fiancé isn't lovely, just that people (and brothers) can and do often dislike perfectly lovely people for their own reasons.

At any rate, the decision to attend is up to him. And if he feels he has a good reason not to, that's his decision too.

caffeineplease · 29/03/2019 15:02

@mozzarellasticks
It's extremely taxing to have a sibling that you adore but is feckless with money etc .
At my wedding many moons ago , it was my highlight that my brother came after being given a hotel room and cash for expenses. In fact it made me happier seeing him than the actual groom which explains a lot 🙄
My brother would need cajoling into family events that he hated but as a small family we all desperately wanted to see him . Especially if he was looking well and was on form.
Not long after my wedding he died. Suddenly and totally out of the blue. Looking back it was the best money I could of spent having him there. Even though my H at the time wanted me to save £ by letting my darling brother make his own plans.
To summarise OP if someone being there makes you happy then do it. Life's too short for regrets.

Springwalk · 29/03/2019 15:06

I’d offer the coach ticket (and hold off paying for it until the last minute) and leave it with him.
If he comes up with another reason then you know he doesn’t want to come, you will also know you did your best.
Whatever his reasons you need to focus not on him, but on all the people that could make it, all the people that love you dearly and are prepared to put in the effort.
This is your wedding, he doesn’t need to be there. The only person that needs to be there is your groom.

Enjoy your day op Flowers

Sooverthemill · 29/03/2019 15:06

mozzerella
" I'm trying my best to persuade him to come, it won't be the same without him there. It's only a small wedding but he's one of the most important people in my life and I'd like him to be there"

Just tell him that

Original poster
mozzarellasticks · 29/03/2019 15:14

@caffeineplease I'm sorry for your loss. Life is definitely too short

OP posts:
caffeineplease · 29/03/2019 15:19

@mozzarellasticks
Thank you, I realise that I've come across a bit hey look this happened to me Hmm I'm sorry it wasn't supposed to be that . But life is short and as I've gotten older I certainly try to do things that make me happy 😃
Whatever you decide, have an amazing day Smile

Original poster
mozzarellasticks · 29/03/2019 15:23

@caffeineplease we lost my fiancé's mother this time last year so we wanted to enjoy our wedding day with the remaining family members. I'm glad you got to enjoy your special day with those important to you

OP posts:
BloodsportForAll · 29/03/2019 15:26

I would gush at him; tell him he's one of the most important people in your life and you'll accept him in scruffy jeans, and pay for his transport, and please will he reconsider - and then if he's still not accepting then I guess he's too anxious. Perhaps he knows exactly what everyone thinks of him. Does he have any diagnoses of anything, was he DX adhd as a kid? Or dyspraxia? Anything which could explain why he makes such a mess of things? Sounds like he's reluctant to be around people who think so little of him, see. When there could be a genuine excuse for his being scatty and bad with money etc.

Original poster
mozzarellasticks · 29/03/2019 15:36

@BloodsportForAll he was diagnosed with ADHD quite late in his teens and whilst this does make sense for a lot of his actions it didn't excuse some of his behaviour. He is not the nicest of people but I love him dearly

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 29/03/2019 15:36

How much does your brother earn? What are his outgoings? Is your wedding in a.venue that charges a fortune for drinks?
I know my brother has no spare money, and to spend money in a wedding would be very stressful for him. It's ok saying he can wear what he wants, but he might not want to stand out from the oter guests.

Original poster
mozzarellasticks · 29/03/2019 15:39

@Soontobe60 I don't know about his earnings or outgoings but he wouldn't have to pay for food or drinks, and my other brother was happy to transport him between the wedding and reception and to and from the train station. It's a very small wedding only close family, less than 20 guests

OP posts:
anniehm · 29/03/2019 15:48

Surely he has a suit or can borrow one (my brother borrowed one off dh for ours) and you could help him with a coach ticket - no gift required and he could stay on someone's sofa. Weddings should not cost attendees much money

Prequelle · 29/03/2019 15:52

If he has only known since January that's absolutely not a lot of time for saving especially for low income. It's only 2-3 pay packets.

And trains can be more expensive than people realise.

cees · 29/03/2019 16:00

If he wanted to be there he would make the effort, save a few quid and just bloody turn up. Wtf is he trying pull with the £80 ticket when you found the cost to be £35. He is a massive pri k to try to shaft you like that. Life is to short so don't waste your head space on people who try to trick and deceive you, f that

Bringbackthestripes · 29/03/2019 16:15

. I have nothing spare to give him as I've put my own money towards the wedding and just bought my first house

If you can’t afford the money to give him then surely you can understand how he may not have the money-regardless of what he wears?
It sounds as though he struggles with money if no one else will help either because they know they won’t get it back. If a coach is only £35 could you not all club together £10 each if it is important that he be there?

DemelzaPoldarksshinerrefiner · 29/03/2019 16:24

If his presence would make you happier consider it a wedding gift to yourself rather than a donation to a lost cause. If the train is significantly faster than the coach I’d pay the higher amount ( 53 quid ) I do hope you manage to enjoy your day either way. Congratulations on your upcoming Wedding.

ittakes2 · 29/03/2019 16:31

Ok so he messaged you? Sorry it does not sound like your relationship is in an ideal place from his point of view that he gave you such an important message via text rather than called you? And why are you not calling him to talk to him about things? This whole message this is part of the problem relationships break down.

BloodsportForAll · 29/03/2019 16:34

Adhd doesn't excuse but does explain.

I have it. My entire life has been a chronic mess and I avoid a lot of people including most of my family. Because they're very judgmental and prejudiced and don't understand.

People with adhd don't usually look it, but we feel shame very deeply.

I'm sure he does love you very much. I'm sorry he also seems to be a bit of an arse. I don't know how else to remedy the situation. Maybe he just isn't going to be there.

Tavannach · 29/03/2019 16:42

If it was me I'd pay for the ticket, and ask your mum or.your other brother to have a word after the wedding. They could calmly and without blame explain how important it was to you that he came to your special day and find out what's blocking him from being able to do it himself. He sounds like he needs support.
I hope you have a lovely day.

labazsisgoingmad · 29/03/2019 16:46

if its for transport does he live near someone else who is attending the wedding? could you 'lend' him the petrol money/train or bus fare? if its merely for a bar tab then im sure youd stand him a drink!

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