My brother isn't coming to my wedding

[mozzarellasticks]

2 weeks to go until my wedding and I've just received a message from my brother saying he's not coming.

We have a great relationship but he's said he can't come due to lack of money and nothing to wear.

AIBU to think he should've had some money put aside to go to his dearest sister's wedding?

Taking a different tack, could you livestream/Skype your wedding? I didn’t go to my DB’s wedding ad I was 37 weeks pregnant and it was 7 hours/300 miles away, but my geeky nephew set up a webcams for me to “join in”.

Putting money aside to attend someone else's wedding really isn't one of my priorities and I'd be surprised if it was anyone elses. You should be more understanding, he must be in a bad situation if he can't even afford a shirt or something. I think his quality of life should be more important than your wedding

Why is it such a big deal to you if he comes if it is not a big deal to him.
My philosophy these days is to be bothered about other people as they are about you. That includes family.

This ^^

If he's so important to you why isn't he in the bridal party and wearing a suit you've hired for him?

Because it's just a small, cheap, registry office and spoons job? In which case maybe he doesn't want to travel for that many hours to attend such an event??

Basically he doesn't want come if it leaves him out of pocket.

His excuses are a load of rubbish.

For whatever reasons he just doesn't want to spend his money coming to your wedding. He might have valid reasons, maybe he's sick of being treated as a flake or a failure by some family members? Maybe he's just not that bothered about family events in general?

Long and short of it, if he wanted to be there, he would be. He would find the money.

You're effectively forcing someone to come to your wedding that doesn't want to be there. Do you think that's a good idea? .

I suspect he will come, but this is emotional blackmail to get others to pay his way.

One of my sister's was like this. Terrible with money, spent her own money on frivolous selfish materialistic things, but everyone else had to bail her out constantly with things like rent, bills and paying for her to attend family events, putting her name on gifts she never contributed financially to.

Eventually I grew cold to the emotional guilt trips and refused to fund her any more.

And she didn't come to my wedding after doing the exact same thing as your DB because yet again she was too skint as she was apparently saving up to have her driveway resurfaced. We had a row as I wouldn't pay for her to attend and we haven't spoken since. She thinks I'm the selfish one.

It's entitled. Your DB us an arse and an adult that should be able to independently manage to go to his sister's wedding.

Personally I'd call his bluff and say "Im upset and sorry you won't be there, but I understand if you can't afford it and won't pressure you to come"

I'm sorry but you both don't seem to be as close as you want to believe. Even if he's terrible with money, surely his sister that he is close to would be a big priority? He doesn't seem to be arsed at all. He may be a lovely person but its clear you are not as important to him as he is to you, sadly. I don't know what to suggest, really. Maybe just accept that he chose not to come. I know it's not fair to expect this of you, I know, but maybe if you knew how he was like you could have kept money aside and planned to pay for his tickets to be there. Although that is in hindsight I guess.

For most people I know who get paid monthly this would be only 2 months of wages to save up. Weddings cost a lot of money, even to attend and maybe he just doesn’t have the money? Some people have the money and some just don’t. I would buy him the ticket, tell him to just wear anything he wanted and then afterwards when emotions went running high tell him that was the last time you’ll be doing it.

If he moved out and doesn’t seem too keen to come to your wedding i.e. meet up with the family - given his history with money, maybe he’s too embarassed or uncomfortable to face all the people he basically owes money to?

Maybe not going to the wedding rather than openly asking family to help him out once again is, in his mind, reasonable and responsible behaviour?

I think unless anyone is prepared to happily gift him the ticket and cover other costs, your brother should be allowed to stick to his decision not to go.

I can’t imagine my brother not coming to my wedding. Come hell or high water he would get there, and I to his.

He clearly can’t be bothered with the effort or expense. I’m sorry but you’re clearly not as close as you think you are.

I adored my elder half-brother growing up. Until he stole from my parents and left them nearly destitute. We haven’t seen him in twenty years and he clearly doesn’t give a fuck. Family aren’t always what you’d like them to be.

Maybe he's not broke , but perhaps he can't cope with large groups of people , he thought he could cope ,but now doesn't think he can . If you really want him there , ask if there's another reason , maybe he'll come to see you before the wedding , or you can visit him just after the wedding , just both of you and him ,no pressure, but maybe a momento photo with him ,as wedding keepsakes for you both .
I hope you can work this out , and have a lovely day

I feel for you op. My dsister won’t come to my wedding as she doesn’t want to see our mum, who is a frail 80 year old.

elfies reading the thread I do wonder if like you there is something other than money that is the real reason.

If he really wanted to come he’d find a way.

If I were you I’d offer to cover his expenses just to remove that as an excuse. If he finds another reason not to go then you’ll have to accept that he just doesn’t want to.

ForalltheSaints I get anxious in company ,and am usually positioned very close to the door ,ready to escape ,and on occasion have chickened out because I simply can't face a crowd of people , even folks I love . I do hope its something like this causing him to cancel ,and that gentle questioning sorts out the problem

I would have thought that if he was anxious about being in crowds, OP and her family would know about it.

OP said her parents warned her that he would do this, they all know what he's like, that he's selfish, and bad with money. It's got nothing to do with anxiety.

mozzarellasticks. I'm not surprised to hear about the ADHD and when you said he's not always nice, I get the feeling he has something to cope with possibly a bit AS. Obviously impossible to know here but from the thread you make him sound like he can't quite fit in. I'd try and treat him a bit like a teenager and if possible send him his ticket and have someone pick him up from the station and look after him. It would be nice for you if he were there. So sorry you've got this worrying you.

Whatever he does, have a lovely day! It's for you and your Husband-to-be! Wishing you both every happiness.

It's a dick move. My sister didn't come to mine (we eloped to Vegas but I offered to pay for her), or my 30th birthday, or my 10th wedding anniversary party, or my daughter's birth, or in fact any major milestone in my life. Yet I know she doesn't think we've got a bad relationship, she just takes me for granted and thinks nothing in my life is as important as what's going on in hers. We don't have any drama about it because I can't be bothered. Family eh? I haven't got any advice really, other than unreliable and selfish people do have a tendency to turn out to be unreliable and selfish!

Travel shouldn't be a problem. He's made the effort to visit the area almost weekly since he left a few months ago

Really? Then take it from me, he won't be there no matter what you offer to do, because he does not want to be there.

Could be that he doesn't want to see the rest of the family and be at a big gathering for his own reasons such as owing money, could be that he's simply so selfish he can't be arsed/thinks it will be boring.

But, he won't be there. Cut your emotional losses at least and start accepting him for what he is.

mozzarellasticks
Sorry I was out yesterday so just seen:
Travel shouldn't be a problem. He's made the effort to visit the area almost weekly since he left a few months ago
Well if he visits weekly (almost), he can afford the fare when he wants to...
Are you sure that the fare and clothes are really why he doesn't want to/says he can't come?
I've gone off him! Sorry OP. That's mean of me. It might be just as well if you simply get on with your life and don't try too hard with your brother. I don't think he will ever think the way you do and the more you try the more he might hurt you. You are about to begin the next wonderful stage of your life! You are getting married to the man you love! Be really happy about that! I am so glad you have met your husband-to-be. Make sure you have a lovely day and don't worry about your brother. He's just odd.

Btw, I love your simple wedding arrangements! My daughter had a registry wedding then fish and chips!

FizzyGreenWater Sorry! I really did not know you had just written that too! I agree entirely with you. Your last sentence is perfect!

@Ellyess Thank you! Your daughter's wedding sounds great! Just wanted to keep it simple but still enjoyable and we definitely don't have the money to go over the top

Megabus is cheap.

The OP's brother could buy a suit from a charity shop for a tenner and stay with her other DB the night before.

You are drip feeding a bit here OP! I'm sure it's not intensional but knowing he has come back to you area so much since he moved away but can't manage it for your wedding is very relevant info. It suggests there is more to him not being able to come than simply not being able to afford it.

Regardless I'd just give him the cash and tell him it was his cans and birthday present for the following year.

Some people don't see weddings as a big deal. Especially if the couples have been together years and years and already have kids etc. TBH I'm probably in that camp too although I would always attend any wedding I was asked to.