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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want partner to take dd to in laws whilst I’m away?

213 replies

Firsttime27 · 14/03/2019 19:50

I go to a hen do in 4 weeks for 2 nights, which is the longest I will have left dd who will be 17 months old. My partner has told me he plans to take her to his parents 2 and a half hours away and I feel sick at the thought. The last time we stayed there dd hardly slept all weekend and MIL undermined me on every parenting decision. I just don’t feel comfortable dd being there without me as I know MIL will take over and dd just ends up getting so worked up. My partner doesn’t really get involved as he is MUCH more laid back than I am. May sound selfish but I will relax so much more knowing she is at home in her own bed and only have my partner to watch her (who is brilliant with her). He can’t see why I am so upset about this and is making out I am saying it out of spite. But I feel that even though I won’t be there I still have a right to say where I would like dd to be don’t I??

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/03/2019 19:54

What exactly are you so afraid of? Do you think your MIL will put your child in danger or is it that she just does things differently? I think it's alarming you don't trust your husband enough to care for his own child. You seem very, very controlling.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 14/03/2019 19:54

What does your mil do that is so bad?

You say your DP is brilliant with DD yet I suspect he is going to his mum's so he doesn't have to be the parent all weekend.

Soubriquet · 14/03/2019 19:56

Yep. Sounds like he resents you having a parenting pass all weekend and wants the same for himself

StereophonicallyChallenged · 14/03/2019 19:56

I think YABVU.

I mean this kindly, but unclench a bit. You've said yourself he's brilliant with her, so let him crack on and parent her as he wants to while you're away.
I thinking it's absurd to insist (how can you, really?) that your family stay at home whilst you are away Confused

Drum2018 · 14/03/2019 19:57

You won't be there. Your mil won't be undermining your parenting as you won't be there. Your dd might not sleep but it won't be your problem as you won't be there. So why on earth does it worry you? Go and enjoy your weekend away and let Dh deal with his mother. I bet she won't say a bad word against his parenting. I really don't think you can ban him from going. That would be unreasonable.

WallisFrizz · 14/03/2019 19:58

Your DP is taking her there so he has 3 adults watching her not one therefore making life easier for him and seeing his parents without you around (which will probably be more relaxing given that you are not keen). Enjoy the hen night, trust him to do things his way and enjoy the break.

LovingLola · 14/03/2019 19:59

The in-laws are his parents.
He is absolutely entitled to take his daughter to see his parents for a weekend if he wants to.
If you posted here saying that he was going away for a weekend and didn’t want you going to your family while he was away you would be told he was controlling and red flags would be waving !

adaline · 14/03/2019 19:59

Would you be happy if he banned you from going to your parents without him?

You trusted him enough to have a baby with him and to live with him - don't try and control him.

Lazypuppy · 14/03/2019 19:59

Your partner is brilliant but cant parent on his own for 2 days Hmm

pyramidbutterflyfish · 14/03/2019 20:00

YABU. Relax. Kids learn quick that different adults have different rules.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 14/03/2019 20:00

That’s very controlling OP. Honestly have a word with yourself.

Tattletale · 14/03/2019 20:00

Your MIL has managed to get your DP to adulthood. Seriously enjoy your weekend and let your DD be spoiled by her gran. You can't dictate whether your DP goes out or not!

Farmerswifey12 · 14/03/2019 20:01

Hi OP, I think if you husband is brilliant with her and you know she will be safe there then I'd relax

bridgetreilly · 14/03/2019 20:02

Seems more likely to me that your partner knows how you feel about his parents and thinks this will be a good chance for him to spend time with his family without you and MIL being at loggerheads. Just let him go. They'll be fine.

LovingLola · 14/03/2019 20:02

Your partner is brilliant but cant parent on his own for 2 days

What makes you think that ? Is it because he’s a man ?? Why can’t he visit his parents?

PinkHeart5914 · 14/03/2019 20:02

I’m not really seeing the issue, he wants to take his dd to see her grandparents I mean what a bastard!

You won’t be at home anyway so 🤷🏻‍♀️

Of course your being unreasonable

AnOwlCalledPlop · 14/03/2019 20:02

Wow. The man hating is strong on this one.

Just because he’s choosing to take her to his parents does not mean he’s looking for a parenting pass. Or that he’s incapable of parenting himself for two days etc etc. Not that it needs to be said.

Let’s all martyr ourselves instead of taking steps to make things easier. Yay.

daisypond · 14/03/2019 20:02

YABU.

popsadaisy · 14/03/2019 20:02

I don't think your being unreasonable. I think you'll be anxious enough leaving her for the first time and you don't need added worry with her being in an unfamiliar place. I would feel the exact same and it doesn't mean you don't trust your partner with your DD and it does matter if your DD doesn't sleep whether your there to deal with it or not you obviously love your DD and want her to feel happy and settled when she's away from you. Annoys me that other people don't get this!

Samind · 14/03/2019 20:02

In what way was she undermining you OP? Course you're gonna be anxious being away from baby! That's normal! You need some well deserved me time and you trust your partner to care for your daughter when you're away so leave them to it. If there's things you have set for her routine that others aren't aware of then let them know and don't ruin your time away worrying about it.

BitsaBobs · 14/03/2019 20:03

It's his child too. I hate all the ' my child, my rules ' shit that mother's come out with.
Why shouldn't he take HIS child to visit his parents?

capaciousbladder · 14/03/2019 20:03

You won't be there. Things won't be done your way, wherever they are. You may take a couple of days to return to your routine, but that's inevitable. Enjoy your hen do, but you need to accept that when he's in charge, he will do it his way. As long as everyone is safe, c'est la vie.
Are you cross that he will be having help instead of struggling through and missing you?

7salmonswimming · 14/03/2019 20:03

YABU.

If there’s a risk DD might come to actual harm, then I would cancel the hen weekend to ensure she stays at home.

If there’s no such risk, you’re being ridiculous. It’ll probably be good for DD to get away from her normal home and normal routine, to get used to something else.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 14/03/2019 20:04

He can’t see why I am so upset about this and is making out I am saying it out of spite

I agree with him. You want to go and have a nice couple of nights away but safe in the knowledge DH and DD are stuck at home away from MIL. Really unfair OP.

adaline · 14/03/2019 20:04

Your partner is brilliant but cant parent on his own for 2 days Hmm

Would you say the same if OP wanted to go visit her parents for the weekend?