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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want partner to take dd to in laws whilst I’m away?

213 replies

Firsttime27 · 14/03/2019 19:50

I go to a hen do in 4 weeks for 2 nights, which is the longest I will have left dd who will be 17 months old. My partner has told me he plans to take her to his parents 2 and a half hours away and I feel sick at the thought. The last time we stayed there dd hardly slept all weekend and MIL undermined me on every parenting decision. I just don’t feel comfortable dd being there without me as I know MIL will take over and dd just ends up getting so worked up. My partner doesn’t really get involved as he is MUCH more laid back than I am. May sound selfish but I will relax so much more knowing she is at home in her own bed and only have my partner to watch her (who is brilliant with her). He can’t see why I am so upset about this and is making out I am saying it out of spite. But I feel that even though I won’t be there I still have a right to say where I would like dd to be don’t I??

OP posts:
nellyitsme · 14/03/2019 20:05

Relax, stop faffing. You're trying to say he shouldn't go to his parents with DD - he could equally say that he doesn't want you to go on the Hen do as he is worried about what you might get up to - but he is putting his trust in you why don't you practice trusting him?

Original poster
Firsttime27 · 14/03/2019 20:06

That is a harsh statement to make from one post aquamarine. I never said I don’t trust my husband, but as I did say he takes a backseat because he doesn’t like to say anything to his mum and upset her.

So for example last time she ran a bath for dd it was too hot and made her cry. She gives her sweet drinks and food that I don’t like her to have. She takes her outside when it’s freezing cold with no coat. So not life and death but things like that I just find uncomfortable. And I will also be worrying about the journey there and back.
I guess I’m already not liking the thought of leaving her and this is heightening my anxieties even more.

OP posts:
Lazypuppy · 14/03/2019 20:06

@adaline

Your partner is brilliant but cant parent on his own for 2 days

Would you say the same if OP wanted to go visit her parents for the weekend?

Yes if she chose to go the same 2 days her dp was going away. I'd wonder why he doesn't want to stay at home with his dd, which is what they would be doing if OP was home

laraitopbanana · 14/03/2019 20:06

Yes you do have a say but how will you enforce it though?

I am also wondering why your partner wants to go to his parents... and by that i mean that he prefers to not be alone with DC and would rather like to have other hands on deck. Why not allowing him the help? Being very good at helping you is different than being very good alone for a long period of time.

I understand there is friction between MIL and yourself. If you don't feel comfortable not being around DC when she is around, it speaks loud on your thoughts on her and should be taken into account. But then you need to find a solution for your partner if he needs other hands and arrAnge this with him.

SwayingInTime · 14/03/2019 20:07

Yabu. In fact it will set up a really useful dynamic of you visiting your parents seperately. I never understand the traipsing about together to see people to whom your only connection is marriage (unless you like them obvs).

BitsaBobs · 14/03/2019 20:07

Wtf are you talking about @LazyPuppy? Of course he can look after his own child properly and for longer than 2 days if necessary! Just because he's got a cock instead of a fanny doesn't make him unable to care for his child correctly.

fullprice · 14/03/2019 20:07

I feel quite differently to the majority it seems!
If you have done the bulk of the care and are now at 17mths leaving her for the first time it is natural that you are anxious about it. I personally would want my partner to try and help with my anxiety rather than doing things he knows will just increase it.

I think an honest conversation - where instead of blaming MIL, you acknowledge that it’s more about your fears- could work.

cptartapp · 14/03/2019 20:08

Why do men always do this? Because let's be honest, childcare is largely boring and he can't be bothered. What do you mean he doesn't really get involved?

AnOwlCalledPlop · 14/03/2019 20:09

This reply has been deleted

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adaline · 14/03/2019 20:09

Yes if she chose to go the same 2 days her dp was going away. I'd wonder why he doesn't want to stay at home with his dd, which is what they would be doing if OP was home

You're being ridiculous. OP clearly doesn't like her MIL so maybe her partner is killing two birds with one stone?

Presumably they normally spend weekends together as a family so this is a good chance for him to see his parents? What exactly is the problem?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 14/03/2019 20:10

He’s probably going when his wife is away as she clearly doesn’t care for his mother!

BlueMerchant · 14/03/2019 20:10

I would feel exactly the same- but I'm a huge control freak and I am working on it! It's horrible to feel this way and equally it's horrible for your oh.
I'd try and think how you would feel if he was going away and told you that you must not go to your parents with DD.

Runkle · 14/03/2019 20:11

How would you feel if he didn't want you visiting your parents?
Honestly, they're his actual parents/your daughter's grandparents/your in-laws/family.
Don't be a martyr about this Hmm

MaryShelley1818 · 14/03/2019 20:12

YABVU
I can’t ever imagine telling my husband he ‘wasn’t allowed’ to visit his own parents with our son. That is a really strange relationship.
How would you react if he said the same to you?
Neither myself or my husband would dream of being so controlling toward each other. He’s either a capable parent or he’s not.

mrsmuddlepies · 14/03/2019 20:13

A man asks his wife not to take their grandchild to see her parents while he is away, MN would say he is being controlling and trying to isolate her. A woman insists he must not see his parents and there are ( just a few posts) that insists the mother can rule on whatever she wants.
You are being unreasonable and unkind. Go and enjoy yourself and allow your husband to parent in the way that he thinks is right.

mrsmuddlepies · 14/03/2019 20:15

Also, if you dislike your MIL so much, you may be grateful that he takes his daughter to see his parents without forcing you to come along.

AlwaysDancing1234 · 14/03/2019 20:15

I actually totally get where you’re coming from OP.
I had a similar situation when DS was a little and I was going away for weekend. I was much less anxious knowing he’d be happy at home with his usual routine (we weren’t strict on a routine by any means but just normal food and bedtimes etc) rather than at MILs with her winding him up at bed time and feeding him sugary crap which would send him hyper and give him upset tummy etc.
DH eventually admitted he was only going to MILs out of laziness as she’s cook for him. He then changed his mind when he realised it would actually make his weekend harder as DS wouldn’t sleep properly etc at MILs, they stayed at home!

Alsohuman · 14/03/2019 20:16

When did people become such control freaks? Your Mil managed to raise your partner, OP, she'll be fine with her granddaughter. Just go and let them crack on.

cstaff · 14/03/2019 20:17

You are being ridiculous. These are his parents, your child's gp. Seriously what do you think is going to happen. At least if he goes to his parents he will have some backup and you should be able to relax. Give him a break. You need to trust him.

Original poster
Firsttime27 · 14/03/2019 20:18

Woah ok! Didn’t expect such harsh responses. Maybe I have worded it wrong but this isn’t about controlling my husband or telling him what to do. Just more about anxieties over my dd. First time mum and all that... apologies if people find this an embarrassing thread. Please feel free to not comment on it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Firsttime27 · 14/03/2019 20:20

Thank you Alwaysdancing. That’s exactly it

OP posts:
OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 14/03/2019 20:20

When ds was a few months old and dh went away for a week with work, I packed up and de-camped to my parents' place.

Was I an inadequate mother?

Sure, I could have coped alone, but I fancied some company, a little bit of pampering from my mum, and it was a chance for my parents to spend some time with ds. Don't recall dh getting arsey about it.

I think you should try to relax a bit. Everyone will survive.

harrietpn · 14/03/2019 20:20

OP, I think if it's a case of giving her sweet food you should let them go. I wouldn't like that either, and her not being careful about the bath but I do think these are things you can live with. One day, in the not too distant future, you will find it easier to have them involved and may even be grateful for the help.

For what it's worth my ILs have never watched DS, but I have basic safety concerns about them - think hot oven doors left open with DS around, letting go of buggy by major road road.

PerfumeandOranges · 14/03/2019 20:21

From those examples, OP, I would put your foot down.

If they want to see your child, then it is only when you are there to supervise because too hot baths, unhealthy food and inappropriate outdoor wear sound pretty bad to me.

They may have got your DP to adulthood as other posters have said but that was in different times and anyway, all sorts of people-even murderers have children that reached adulthood.

Just say NO.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 14/03/2019 20:21

If you don't particularly like his MIL then surely your DP going there while you are away is the perfect solution!

You avoid spending a weekend with someone you aren't fond of and your DP and DD can tick a box spending a weekend with his family.

I often used to go to visit my parents when my DC were small and DH went away for exactly that reason, and it is also nice to have a bit of adult company too.

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