Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want partner to take dd to in laws whilst I’m away?

213 replies

Firsttime27 · 14/03/2019 19:50

I go to a hen do in 4 weeks for 2 nights, which is the longest I will have left dd who will be 17 months old. My partner has told me he plans to take her to his parents 2 and a half hours away and I feel sick at the thought. The last time we stayed there dd hardly slept all weekend and MIL undermined me on every parenting decision. I just don’t feel comfortable dd being there without me as I know MIL will take over and dd just ends up getting so worked up. My partner doesn’t really get involved as he is MUCH more laid back than I am. May sound selfish but I will relax so much more knowing she is at home in her own bed and only have my partner to watch her (who is brilliant with her). He can’t see why I am so upset about this and is making out I am saying it out of spite. But I feel that even though I won’t be there I still have a right to say where I would like dd to be don’t I??

OP posts:
Noteventhebirdsareupyet · 14/03/2019 20:45

Sorry, was this comment linked to your MIL taking her out without a coat or is it a totally separate issue unrelated to in laws? Just for clarity.

AlwaysDancing1234 · 14/03/2019 20:45

Popsadaisy said it better than me

LittlePaintBox · 14/03/2019 20:46

I'd wonder why he doesn't want to stay at home with his dd, which is what they would be doing if OP was home

But the OP isn't going to be at home, is she? Maybe her dad thinks the novelty of staying with her grandparents will take her mind off her mum being away?

Or maybe he just wants his dd to get a chance to get to know his parents better?

Honestly, OP, go on your hen do and enjoy it, your dd will have a whale of a time.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 14/03/2019 20:46

Yabu

Purplecatshopaholic · 14/03/2019 20:47

I mean this kindly, but you need to chill - please relax and have a good time away. Your OH is there, ie HER DAD, and he is great with her, and its only for a short time. No some things will not done as you would do them - is this an issue - no.

Original poster
Firsttime27 · 14/03/2019 20:47

Thanks ladies. I wish I could be laid back about it.

OP posts:
Mumofaprinny · 14/03/2019 20:47

Yanbu! I would cancel the weekend if I was in your situation but I have aired some of my thoughts to DH and he does see where I am coming from so I know he would bring our DC there if I was uncomfortable!

Original poster
Firsttime27 · 14/03/2019 20:48

Working on it!

OP posts:
DNAshelicase · 14/03/2019 20:49

Sounds like you’re going through the clingy phase hun x

XingMing · 14/03/2019 20:50

Relax, take a deep breath and go away for a lovely time. Your MIL will remember, without you micro-managing, to dip her elbow into the bath water to check the temperature. And never forget, she did well enough with raising her DS that you married him happily. All will be fine. Your DD may be a bit scratchy for 24 hours after coming home, but she'll be safe and adored, and your MIL will feel so trusted that it may alter your relationship for the better.

Oysterbabe · 14/03/2019 20:50

Yabu. Let your husband spend some time with his family and them with their grandchild without you there to disapprove of their every move. It'll be good for all of them.

Vulpine · 14/03/2019 20:57

The husband you chose to raise a family with, along with all his great attributes, raised by the very woman you are vilifying - do you not think she maybe knows what she's doing

Brummiegirl15 · 14/03/2019 20:58

Some replies that are a bit harsh - but I do think you partly don’t want your DD to go to your in-laws simply because you don’t want her to. You don’t want MIL doing stuff you don’t like.

I’m travelling for work soon, and I’ve suggested my husband takes our DD’s to see his Mum (she does wind me up to be fair but she loves our DD’s and that’s all that matters) and my parents.

Not because I don’t think he’ll cope, far from it, he’s a great Dad. But simply because looking after young children on your own is hard work and sometimes you just need a hand - if only just to have a wee in peace. There’s nothing wrong with a bit of help

I’m afraid you do come across as a bit controlling

Noteventhebirdsareupyet · 14/03/2019 21:00

@ Vulpine you are assuming that his mother brought him up. My hubby was largely brought up by foster carers and extended family members. Sometimes it's not that straightforward.

BlackPrism · 14/03/2019 21:01

Why can some blokes not look after their kid alone ffs 🙄🙄🙄

XingMing · 14/03/2019 21:02

For complete disclosure, we did this and went away for a weekend when DS was 18 months. To another country (both of us, for four days) and guess what, nothing serious happened, apart from an epic power failure but PIL found a great electrician and yes, I get your trepidation, as I was in the same state of anxiety. Children are really more adaptable than we think. And your child won't remember it.

RLOU30 · 14/03/2019 21:06

YABVVU let him take yours and HIS child to his parents !

iolaus · 14/03/2019 21:06

'I am also wondering why your partner wants to go to his parents... '

Could possibly my partner doesn't like spending time with my parents so I'll do the visit when she has an reason not to come, so she doesn't have to put up with spending time with people she doesn't like

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 14/03/2019 21:08

I used to let exdp take dc to his mums every weekend alone. Gave me a chance to disinfect the floors properly, have a nice long bath and read whilst in there, and bonus would be having a cooked dinner brought home to me. (I should say I loved, actually still do so love my ex in-laws 😊)

Original poster
Firsttime27 · 14/03/2019 21:11

Noteventhebirdsareupyet what do you mean? I thought it was a discussion or am I doing Mumsnet wrong? The issue is I feel panicked at the thought of her being there without me, for the reasons I have mentioned. I just want to enjoy the weekend as I never go out and had a really rubbish time lately. If dd is there I will be worrying about all manner of things. Not that I don’t trust my husband. Is it controlling when it comes to your child?? Or just being a caring parent?

OP posts:
XingMing · 14/03/2019 21:12

Now I feel very inadequate @SnowyPeaks. I have never, in almost 62 years, disinfected floors. And I haven't been in the bath for 15 though I shower daily. Slattern Blush Grin

Original poster
Firsttime27 · 14/03/2019 21:13

Snowyalps that sounds like heaven

OP posts:
HeritageCarrot · 14/03/2019 21:13

I’d be fretting about the too hot bath water and taking DD out without a coat if it’s cold. These aren’t ok. The food maybe you could try resign yourself to as it’s only a few days and won’t harm her.

What does your DP think about his DD being put into a too hot bath? When u leave your child you want to know they’re not being needlessly made uncomfortable. When I put my DGC’s into a bath I err on the side Of a bit cool rather than too hot. If they said it was chilly I’d whizz them out and add a bit more hot. It feels horrible to be in an overly hot bath at best and at worst they could be burned.

MrsTeaspoon · 14/03/2019 21:17

Yabvu. If anybody tried to tell me I couldn’t take my own child to visit my own parents I’d give them short shrift. You do not overrule him as a parent, you both have equal rights and responsibilities; unless you aren’t married and haveyautjorised him to have equal parenting rights? It is unclear from your OP if you are married/both equal as you mention partner and also MIL. You need to do some honest thinking about why you feel so threatened by the woman who brought up the man who you say is a brilliant Dad if he would actually be there too. I know fine well my parenting style isn’t followed to the letter my in-laws when I’m not there but I trust them implicitly to love and care for the children and keep them safe.

lalafafa · 14/03/2019 21:18

you're daughter gets unsettled because of your anxiety. she feeds off you. Probably do her good to have a few days away too.