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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want partner to take dd to in laws whilst I’m away?

213 replies

Firsttime27 · 14/03/2019 19:50

I go to a hen do in 4 weeks for 2 nights, which is the longest I will have left dd who will be 17 months old. My partner has told me he plans to take her to his parents 2 and a half hours away and I feel sick at the thought. The last time we stayed there dd hardly slept all weekend and MIL undermined me on every parenting decision. I just don’t feel comfortable dd being there without me as I know MIL will take over and dd just ends up getting so worked up. My partner doesn’t really get involved as he is MUCH more laid back than I am. May sound selfish but I will relax so much more knowing she is at home in her own bed and only have my partner to watch her (who is brilliant with her). He can’t see why I am so upset about this and is making out I am saying it out of spite. But I feel that even though I won’t be there I still have a right to say where I would like dd to be don’t I??

OP posts:
Oly4 · 14/03/2019 20:23

You are being over-anxious and controlling. Sorry. I think you know you are.
Your DH is going to see his parents with his daughter. That’s it. Worrying about the journey there and back is ridiculous and suggests you have anxiety.
Relax OP, your DH would not let her come to harm. And your MIL just prob loves seeing her granddaughter!

Alsohuman · 14/03/2019 20:24

Times might have been different, babies weren't. They've been the same for millennia.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 14/03/2019 20:24

Sorry but I’m not buying the “anxious” line. Your first post comes across as very controlling OP. You want to go out and have fun but you need to know exactly where your DH and DD are - stuck at home.

If this were a man going off on a stag do posting about how he wanted his wife and baby not to visit her mum while he was away there’d be uproar on here.

Original poster
Firsttime27 · 14/03/2019 20:26

Thanks harrietpn. Maybe I do just need to relax.

Also just to point out my issue isn’t with him ‘getting help’ for the weekend, seems people have taken that assumption from my post. It’s more about knowing how unsettled she is going to be and stressing that I’m not going to be there to comfort her. She’s going through a particularly clingy phase at the moment which isn’t helping.

OP posts:
AnOwlCalledPlop · 14/03/2019 20:28

Don’t worry about the clingy phase. You’ll find she will be absolutely fine without you. They’re very adaptable.

BitsaBobs · 14/03/2019 20:29

If you suffered anxieties OP, then you wouldn't be leaving your child for a weekend away.

Original poster
Firsttime27 · 14/03/2019 20:31

You don’t need to buy it greatduckcookery. You don’t know me.

OP posts:
itstrue · 14/03/2019 20:31

Please take the opportunity to go away and enjoy yourself. Chances are it will be another 17 months until it happens again.

While they are things I would worry about too - this isn't a normal weekend. It's a weekend that you get to enjoy yourself without your normal responsibilities.

crazycatlady5 · 14/03/2019 20:32

I am with you on this tbh as parenting styles differ. I’ve never left my daughter to cry but suspect my MIL would have (in the past) been encouraging of this. The idea of that makes me sick.

Original poster
Firsttime27 · 14/03/2019 20:33

How so Bitsabobs?

OP posts:
Chloemol · 14/03/2019 20:33

Grow up. You’re partner has just as much right as you to look after his child and if he wants to take her to his mothers then so be it. And if she does get worked up he will have to sort it

popsadaisy · 14/03/2019 20:35

@Oly4 FYI telling somebody with anxiety to 'relax' doesn't work and is actually pretty patronising!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 14/03/2019 20:36

OP if you’re DH is a good dad like you say he is then he will look after DD. If it makes you feel a bit easier mention the hot bath and sweet drinks etc, explain you’re nervous but you want them to have a good time too. Then go and enjoy yourself. It will be fine.

Vulpine · 14/03/2019 20:39

Its only 2 days. The kid will be fine.

popsadaisy · 14/03/2019 20:40

@BitsaBobs what a load of crap!!! So people with anxiety can't ever leave their child?! In order to overcome anxiety you have to challenge yourself and do things that make you feel uncomfortable. OP is clearly doing this. Just because you have anxiety about things doesn't mean you have to lock yourself away!

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 14/03/2019 20:40

You don't know she will be unhappy or unsettled. I think you are feeling guilty about your weekend away and projecting unnecessarily.

YABU. He can make decisions about what your DD does, so long as she is safe and cared for. Let them get on with it. And enjoy your trip!

Original poster
Firsttime27 · 14/03/2019 20:41

Probably should have mentioned that last time I went out dd ended up in A&E with croup and struggling to breathe..!

OP posts:
Noteventhebirdsareupyet · 14/03/2019 20:41

Hmmm, this is a horrible situation for you OP. I would feel exactly the same as you, I don't trust my MIL as far as I could throw her (she's pretty large!) and the thought of her looking after my child while I was so far away would ruin my weekend frankly.

Having said that, I am a control freak in many ways and I do see why people think that we are massively in the wrong. Maybe the people posting mostly have good relationships with their in laws. My ex from years ago had amazing parents whom I loved as I love my own parents and I know that I would have trusted them with my child.... current MIL though, I think I'd rather cancel my trip tbh!

You can't help how you feel but as others have said, there's not a great deal you can do about it really. I don't envy you, sorry to hear you are feeling sad and stressed.

crazycatlady5 · 14/03/2019 20:42

Don’t worry @Firsttime27 I understand where you’re coming from Flowers

LovingLola · 14/03/2019 20:42

Why drip feed all this info ?

mrsmuddlepies · 14/03/2019 20:42

It just seems so unfair that on the one hand a lot of mothers want equal parenting from the father but on the other hand insist that the father has to do it their way. Your daughter will be fine and she and your husband and your in laws will have a ball. It is an opportunity for his parents to see him as a Dad and a Dad not constantly being told how to do it by Mum.
Sadly, I get the impression you are a lady who will insist on her own way at all costs.

anniehm · 14/03/2019 20:43

Yabvu he's going to his parents and sparing the need for you to go, be grateful. Without the tension between you and your mil dd will be fine

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 14/03/2019 20:44

That’s unfortunate OP but has no bearing on your DH taking his child to his parents when you’re away.

If you’re that worried maybe don’t go?

AlwaysDancing1234 · 14/03/2019 20:44

Some harsh replies here OP, as I said, I get where you are coming from. Try and be honest with your DH, you obviously can’t stop him going though.

Being told to “chill” and “calm down” I find always has the opposite effect on me funnily enough!

And also I don’t agree with “if you were anxious you’d stay home yourself” as I’m sure you didn’t make the decision lightly and guess you’d probably be a lot less anxious knowing DC Was at hone, no travel, normal routine etc.

SnuggyBuggy · 14/03/2019 20:44

I think you need to separate your anxiety from the issues with DD. Could you agree some ground rules like the use of a bath thermometer and your DP doing the meals and saying no to inappropriate food?

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