To not want partner to take dd to in laws whilst I’m away?

[Firsttime27]

I go to a hen do in 4 weeks for 2 nights, which is the longest I will have left dd who will be 17 months old. My partner has told me he plans to take her to his parents 2 and a half hours away and I feel sick at the thought. The last time we stayed there dd hardly slept all weekend and MIL undermined me on every parenting decision. I just don’t feel comfortable dd being there without me as I know MIL will take over and dd just ends up getting so worked up. My partner doesn’t really get involved as he is MUCH more laid back than I am. May sound selfish but I will relax so much more knowing she is at home in her own bed and only have my partner to watch her (who is brilliant with her). He can’t see why I am so upset about this and is making out I am saying it out of spite. But I feel that even though I won’t be there I still have a right to say where I would like dd to be don’t I??

YABU but I feel the same way about my MiL so I understand exactly why you're anxious. I bet once you're on holiday you won't even think about all this. Go and have a great time

My MIL has done some horrible things to me and dangerous things to the baby so I understand your worry. BUT I let my husband see them when I am not around. He is actually more forceful with them than me, when I am around they all make fun of him becuase he tells them what to do with the baby so much and what they have done wrong. Trust that your husband is only taking a back seat becuase you are there. He will be so worried his mum would do something wrong and you will be angry that he will be watching her more than ever before! I started to let go of the stress at 12 months when I knew baby could eat food and drink and would survive with my husband! It isn't fair to have a weekend away and stipulate where he can go (although I do understand).

you're daughter gets unsettled because of your anxiety. she feeds off you. Probably do her good to have a few days away too.

There is an element of truth in this.
Try to relax op and not meet your problems half way.

I fully understand (my PIL's are PIA) especially with your first child, first time leaving the child.

BUT...

It's one weekend. He is taking the child to visit his grandparents and you don't have to go! Whoop!

Everything will be ok, you can't control everything and they managed to raise your DP to adulthood. Just because they do things differently to you doesn't mean that everything will fall apart.

Go and enjoy your weekend.

I'd be more annoyed that he was copping out of having her himself for a couple of days.

So PIL live a distance away, you clearly don't like them, your OH wants to spend time with the, and let them enjoy their GDD. You are having a weekend away.

What's to be unhappy about?

If your that worried , don’t go

@Charlou19 fair point, OP you're trying to PA control your DH. You'd relax more if DD was at home,,,,,stay home with her then.

Not good behaviour I'm afraid, also MIL can't undermine your parenting if you're not there.

I’m sorry but your being very weird. Why can’t be take your daughter to visit his parents while your away? He probably knows that you aren’t keen on them so thought it was a good time to go, as you don’t have go as well.

I'm with you OP if she undermines you I wouldn't be happy.

Buy a bath thermometer for their house, it’ll make them feel good as it implies you’ll be bathing her their more often and DH then has a reason to show them how it works when bathing DD.

I know how you feel. I used to be terribly anxious about mine as well. It wasn’t just that I was a control freak, it was real. I’d cry, feel faint, sick, I’d shake, struggle to breathe. I remember going to the school. I’d always get there early in case someone else tried to collect them. I was constantly worried and stressed. It doesn’t sound like you’re this bad. I was anxious from the start - I remember learning cpr in case my son stopped breathing in the night.

But

I always let them do everything because I knew that it was in their best interests to be loved and have freedom and choices. My mil did things I didn’t like but I accepted that whatever she was doing that I didn’t like was only going to piss me off, no one else...... both of my two have lovely relationships with all of the in laws and I couldn’t ask for more than that for my two.

Your daughter will be fine when you’re not there....... I don’t mean that nasilty but it will be more chilled with her dad and nan if you’re not there feeling stressed.

I’m a different person now. I just decided one day that I can’t keep being ill and feeling rubbish all the time. I had to let go. I can’t control everything so if I’m trusting someone to have my child/ren then that’s it. Their decisions / their weekend. I’m enjoying mine. My son is 12 now and goes out with friends and on buses. The thought of that used to make me feel sick. I can track his phone but I forgive myself that because I’m only human and I had to try so hard. There’s no point in people telling you not to worry........ I would look at letting go though. That’s what helped me. Have a great weekend! X

Not wanting your husband to visit his parents with his child while you’re not there is a whole other level of control. How anyone can’t see this is baffling.

Yes, don’t allow PILs access to your child on their own if something doesn’t feel right but not when their father is with them.

DH would quite rightly tell me I was being very unreasonable (to put it nicely) if I’d ever pulled this shit on him.

I'm really sorry you are feeling so anxious about leaving your little one. It wouldn't be unreasonable to cancel going on the hen do.

But if you do go, you have to let your partner look after her in his own way. That includes going to his parents.

Weird controlling behaviour OP

YANBU

You have said that

your MIL put your daughter in a bath that was too hot for her and she cried
your MIL doesn't realise that your daughter needs a coat when it is cold (is she stupid?)
she undermines your parenting
last time you were there your daughter barely slept all weekend.
She feeds your daughter sugary crap.

I think all these things could be addressed when you next go to the ILs together. I am not surprised you are worried about your dh taking her there on his own. It's not about control it's about realistic worries about your daughter coming to harm!

Regarding your daughter being clingy etc I actually would advise you not to worry about this aspect - it would be a great opportunity for your dh and her to bond even more.

I would sit down and have a calm conversation with your dh about this and set out your fears. If he can admit that he is unable to challenge his mum and that it is likely that dd won't be looked after properly - I mean how can he argue against all that - then maybe he will understand that you will worry about dd's wellbeing.

As another poster said, maybe the thought of less sleep for him will persuade him to stay home!

He could have some friends over on the Saturday and Sunday afternoon to break things up a bit but not be too overwhelming for them.

I completely understand where you are coming from and really hope you can get this sorted. If he does go, talk throiugh it very thoroughly about the things you would like him to be firm about.

You're talking to the wrong people. You need to express your concerns to your partner. Tell him you want him to go and enjoy his time but you're worried about the following. Admit it's you being a bit crazy but you love DD and this is hard for you. Hopefully he can reassure you. Then go. She will be fine. This will get easier as she gets older.

It honestly will be fine, you need to let your husband do things his way, he may be a bit more laid back than you, but I am sure he will keep your daughter safe. A few sweet treats one weekend in a blue moon is really not going to do any harm and even if her routine is disrupted, it will all be back to normal in a few days. Any upsets will be brief and soon forgotten.

I think that you need to take a step back and work on reducing your anxiety by telling yourself it will be OK (because it will) rather than playing over small things in your mind until they become more significant than they ought to be. Look for all the good things about the trip to see her grandparents - there will definitely be some - and practice reminding yourself about those when you feel your worries creeping in.

Enjoy yourself on the hen do, you deserve to have done fun.

The thing is OP none of this is really about your DD - not when you really think about it logically. However it is all about your anxieties. None of which is good (or enjoyable) to be around. As she gets older DD will pick up on this. You have to face the fact that you aren't the only person who loves your DD .
So whilst the way you do things is fine and great for you. (Majority of the time you are with her) there is another person with the exact same rights and responsibilities. - your partner.

I imagine he is really looking forward to sharing his baby with his parents without adjudicating world war 2 - should his mother cross your parenting boundaries. Can't imagine how horrible it must be to know your mother is being judged every time she goes near his child !
Having successfully raised your DH to be a person so lovely that you chose to have children with him - she can't be too bad.

Don't forget that one persons interference is another person grateful help. !

Unclench . Accept you cannot control your dds every moment from now until eternity. Accept that she is adored by all who will be caring for her - and go and enjoy yourself.. (and please don't ring them every 5 minutes !) ..

Teddybear Baby thank you for being understanding. I couldn’t actually sleep with worry the night I wrote the post. People are seeing this as me controlling my husband rather than the worries I have, that chamomiletea has put better than me.
I know it is something I need to work on. I’m not stopping them from going.
I’m upset by being called ‘weird’. Why do people think it’s ok to say these things to people without any consideration. I hope you teach kindness to your children.
Thanks those that have offered helpful insights.

Your partner is brilliant but cant parent on his own for 2 days hmm

• Who said he can't? Quite a judgemental leap there. "hmm" . 🙄

They are two and a half hours away, plus OP gives the impression she isn't thrilled with them.
I'm guessing they probably meet up every few months, and at that time the DH may (or may not) not feel easy about the situation knowing OP (again, assuming) isn't comfortable and happy.

He's probably seeing this as the best of all worlds.

OP gets a nice break, he gets to spend time with his parents, who get to spend time with their DGC all without worrying about stepping on each others toes.

So OP, politely, I think you are being very unreasonable unless they've gave you reason to be seriously concerned, not just annoyed.

Enjoy your break, I'm sure you deserve it and let him take his kids to spend time with his side of the family.

Not wanting your husband to visit his parents with his child while you’re not there is a whole other level of control. How anyone can’t see this is baffling.

To me, visiting implies a few hours. This is staying. MiL tries to take over when OP and DP visit, but DP doesn't like to say anything to her in case it upsets her. That all suggests that MiL will be in charge. She has already put DD in a bath where the water was too hot.

You can't say that the OP is being unreasonable to have some worries. Whether or not you think she should overcome those worries is a another thing and down to personal perspective.

But when you put those worries with a first time mum, leaving the baby for the first time, a baby who needs her mum to settle her at night, I think it's understandable that the OP is anxious. Wanting to minimise the anxiety is also understandable, so thinking that she's rather the DD was at home in her own bed is a logical conclusion to that. I don't think she needs to be slated to this extent for thinking it.

However, OP try to let it go. DP takes DD to his parents for the weekend. Trust him, and go away and enjoy yourself as much as you can. The probability of anything serious happening to her is vanishingly small, even if things aren't done exactly your way. Then when you're back you can talk through with him how it actually went, rather than basing your conversation on what ifs, to decide together whether it worked or not.

I would be the same. I wouldn’t want my DH taking our DS to my MIL’s without me.

He probably sees it as a great chance for them to see DD with you being there getting stressed. He sounds very considerate to me.

Kids adapt really easily. I’ll bet whilst you’re not there she will have a great time