To not want partner to take dd to in laws whilst I’m away?

[Firsttime27]

I go to a hen do in 4 weeks for 2 nights, which is the longest I will have left dd who will be 17 months old. My partner has told me he plans to take her to his parents 2 and a half hours away and I feel sick at the thought. The last time we stayed there dd hardly slept all weekend and MIL undermined me on every parenting decision. I just don’t feel comfortable dd being there without me as I know MIL will take over and dd just ends up getting so worked up. My partner doesn’t really get involved as he is MUCH more laid back than I am. May sound selfish but I will relax so much more knowing she is at home in her own bed and only have my partner to watch her (who is brilliant with her). He can’t see why I am so upset about this and is making out I am saying it out of spite. But I feel that even though I won’t be there I still have a right to say where I would like dd to be don’t I??

She’s visiting her grandparents, not complete strangers.

So what if "The little one' is a bit unsettled? Jeez - she'll get over it.

OP I understand what you meant! The thought of DD being upset or unsettled and you not being there. I felt the same when I went away for a night and DH took DD to his parents, when she was 11 months. At the time, it helped to talk through exactly what I was worried about with DH, in a calm way, and that discussion eased my concerns. Might help you?

Blooming heck OP, you're getting a tough ride here.

I get it. I was a wreck the first time my DH took my PFB to his parents'. Granted, my MIL has a history of turning a blind eye to child abuse, thinks teasing children until they cry is funny and left my 2 year old niece alone in a bar once, but even so, I get it. Anxiety sucks!

It'll get easier, once you've left your DC and they've been fine. Your DH will look after her, even if he is being waited on by his Mum.

It'll be fine, and after, it'll be much easier to control that anxiety for the next time. He's her Dad; he won't let harm come to her.

Ignore the pile on here; it's hard to imagine to irrationality of looming anxiety and worry unless you've experienced it.

I understand your anxiety op. This is your first baby and you are leaving her for the first time. However, she is with her father who loves her (and she him) and her grandparents. These could well be the grandparents who your daughter will adore as years go on and have fond memories of when she is an adult.

Maybe they don't agree with certain aspects of your parenting - but everyone has their own views on how it should be done. She obviously loves your dd - or otherwise she wouldn't give a monkeys what you do with her.

She's genetically 25% your mother in law. Children thrive in company of extended family (unless they are abusive) - please make sure she is allowed to have the opportunity to have one-to-one time with them.

As for you - have an amazing time away

Am I going to let my 1 yr old stay overnight somewhere for the first time, with another child that she has also never stayed overnoghy with before?

This is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever read in mumsnet (which is really saying something). It’s a 1 yr old staying (with her dad) at her grandparents’ house, at the same time as her older cousin. What on earth do you think is going to happen?!

Am I going to let my 1 yr old stay overnight somewhere for the first time, with another child that she has also never stayed overnoghy with before? No, I put my child’s personal well being and safety first. Above anything else. That’s was a good parent does

Sounds more like you are putting your own 'well being' first tbh.
It's more how it affects you.

op i completely understand.

It will probably make you anxious the entire trip and you won’t stop thinking about them now and what’s happening etc. I felt the exact same and completely understand.

However your husband may be nervous and feel like some back up and support.

Try to think that as long as your daughter is physically safe, she’s fine. Yes she may be doing things you wouldn’t and don’t like but if she’s safe and loved i wouldn’t worry and try as much as possible to have a fun trip (easier said then done i know).

Far too many people on Mumsnet can't get their heads around the fact that their mil is their child's grandparent, just like their own mother is and that their DH is an equal parent. Expecting dads or grandparents to do everything with your child exactly the way you do or dictate is ridiculous.

This.

My parents and PIL - even my husband/the kids' dad - did things differently to me when my DC were little but so what. Their lives were never in danger, they were well loved and, most amazingly of all, my DC survived these differences in parenting and lived to tell the tale.

OP you need to write a list of the things you are worrying about and then assess whether any of them actually put your DD in danger, and then decide if the problem here is them or you, because with the best will in the world, it’s you. DS has never been to my PILs’ house, because: they have a large, vicious and untrained dog that they don’t shut away (I’m a lifelong dog owner and dog lover, before anyone flames me), in the 8 years I’ve been with DH they’ve never cleaned their house once or thrown anything away, with the result that I worry about my and DH’s safety there let alone a child’s; FIL insists on doing all the driving and is a terrible, dangerous driver. He speeds whilst also driving halfway over the other side of the road, doesn’t stop at red lights etc. That’s definitely them - those are actual life endangering behaviours. Your PILs aren’t putting your DD in actual danger and your DH will be there so you have to trust him. You can’t let your anxiety control you, and it certainly isn’t fair to let your anxiety control your DH.

YABU. Do you have high anxiety? You sound very highly strung, anxious, a nightmare tbh. Why are you even going on a hen?

I have 2 DS so not a first time mum, and when my husband is away for a few days with work soon I'm heading to my parents (am on maternity leave) for the company, help and because my parents love the boys and the boys love them. Sure I COULD look after them on my own, I'm a capable parent, but its lovely to spend time with the family which is probably what your DH thinks? Understand the concerns, my MIL parents differently to me too, but I'd pick your battles OP - will be lovely as she grows up to have a close relationship with grandparents

Your DH is an equal parent and he gets to decide what he does when he is looking after your DD. You can’t tell him not to see his family.

What you can say is that her well being is solely his concern. So if the bath is too hot or she doesn’t have her coat, that’s on him as he is the parent.