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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want partner to take dd to in laws whilst I’m away?

213 replies

Firsttime27 · 14/03/2019 19:50

I go to a hen do in 4 weeks for 2 nights, which is the longest I will have left dd who will be 17 months old. My partner has told me he plans to take her to his parents 2 and a half hours away and I feel sick at the thought. The last time we stayed there dd hardly slept all weekend and MIL undermined me on every parenting decision. I just don’t feel comfortable dd being there without me as I know MIL will take over and dd just ends up getting so worked up. My partner doesn’t really get involved as he is MUCH more laid back than I am. May sound selfish but I will relax so much more knowing she is at home in her own bed and only have my partner to watch her (who is brilliant with her). He can’t see why I am so upset about this and is making out I am saying it out of spite. But I feel that even though I won’t be there I still have a right to say where I would like dd to be don’t I??

OP posts:
WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 14/03/2019 21:19

YABVU and controlling whether you mean to be or not. Having anxieties does not mean you get to have control over situations that create them; you have to learn to deal with them effectively.

You don’t get a say in where your kid goes if you’re going away and leaving her with her other parent, who you have already stated is a brilliant dad.

When she is in his care, he has the right to take her wherever he wants, because you chose to leave him with her knowing he is competent.

If you don’t think he is competent and you don’t trust him, you shouldn’t be leaving your kid, and if this thread was reversed and a man came on and said he wanted to stop his partner going to her parents while he’s away they would rightfully be told they were controlling and potentially abusive.

XingMing · 14/03/2019 21:22

Do modern-day mums no longer get advised to dip an elbow into the bath water to check the temperature? Growing up in the 50s, most children were put outside in prams for fresh air for an hour or so daily in all but the foulest of weathers, obviously with blankets etc and with carer listening for crying. Most of child-rearing is common sense, which is why most of us reach adulthood. Your anxieties are normal, but unfounded.

mrsdavys · 14/03/2019 21:23

You’re not more of a parent than your DH.
If it was the other way round and he was getting funny about you taking your DD to your parents’ house, he’d be getting the same harsh criticism or even worse!

Singlenotsingle · 14/03/2019 21:23

Oh just GO, OP! Forget them. They're all going to have a lovely little family weekend. DD will have a great time with people who love her. Don't spoil it for them by trying to control it all from afar; just relax and come back refreshed and reinvigorated.

timeisnotaline · 14/03/2019 21:23

I would just remind your dh that he needs to supervise baths and make sure she is adequately dressed, and I would also tell him that if she isn’t sleeping and is clingy and miserable that you will be taking shifts overnight, not just he can hand her back and you deal with the fallout.
(My pil spoil my son rotten- apparently they ‘can’t bear to see him with a sad face’ and he returns a tired monster is where I’m coming from!)

Noteventhebirdsareupyet · 14/03/2019 21:24

OP not sure which bit you are asking about what I mean as I've typed quite a few comments!

The last comment was directed at a PP not you. I've probably confused you now!

One question I did ask is whether the A&E incident was directly linked to your MIL not putting a coat on her or was that separate? Tried to link it to your comment about A&E but I failed!

popsadaisy · 14/03/2019 21:25

I am shocked at the amount of unsympathetic, disrespectful and down right rude comments there are on this post! This is a FTM leaving her baby for the first time and having anxiety about it (totally normal!). Please take no notice OP. I'm pretty new to MN and really don't think this place is for me tbh! You're all a bunch of stuck up busy bodies looking to criticise anybody you can in order to make yourselves feel better. You don't know this girl from Adam and yet feel you have the right to so strongly judge her situation, sad really.

sukiandthekettle · 14/03/2019 21:27

I'm someone that also struggles with anxiety (sometimes can be all consuming) and also don't like the way my MIL is with my DCs. If it was my choice I would have wanted DH at home on the rare situations I'm away, but he often chooses to see MIL a 3 hour drive away (much more relaxing for him without me scowling away all weekend!)

The anxieties I feel (often more about the motorway journeys than anything else) ALWAYS get better once I'm away - it's the anticipation that is hardest. Trust that when you're away (and maybe after a few hen party shots Grin) the anxieties will lessen, especially when you get the text saying they've arrived safely.

XingMing · 14/03/2019 21:30

@Popsydaisy, all of us were probably anxious FTMs once, and experience has taught us that most of our initial anxieties were unfounded. We are trying to reassure the OP that all will be fine, and that she should go away for a fun weekend and stop worrying. No more than that.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 14/03/2019 21:30

This is a FTM leaving her baby for the first time and having anxiety about it (totally normal!).

popsadaisy Correct, her anxiety is normal, but her anxiety does not mean she gets to control her partner.

How about if she wanted to take the baby to her parents and her partner wanted to stop her? She is no more of a parent than him; they are equal. So while DD is solely in his care, he gets to call the shots.

llangennith · 14/03/2019 21:31

I quite understand your anxiety Firstime37 but even if your DD has a less than perfect weekend it is only two nights and she'll survive. You deserve a break and your DH is taking the opportunity to have time with his parents and DD. It's only two nights.
Please try not to worry so much and have a lovely time.

llangennith · 14/03/2019 21:32

Sorry, got your name wrong! Meant to put Firsttime27 🙄

rwalker · 14/03/2019 21:33

A difficult one but perhaps it could when you all visit his parent he feels on edge trying to please you and trying to please his mum . I had something similar really hard work because soon as we were in the car all I would get would be dw kicking off about things on the way home .

popsadaisy · 14/03/2019 21:33

@XingMing some comments are reassuring and constructive yes but the majority are just mean and uncalled for. There's a way of putting your views across without being rude (not saying you have been rude because I can't remember what your comment/advice said). I just feel like some people get off on being rude and really doubt that these people would speak like this to OP to her face.

Notonthestairs · 14/03/2019 21:34

Croup is caused by a virus. My eldest has had it repeatedly. It is scary. It will not have been caused by your PIL. If you are very worried print off the NHS advice about croup for your husband before you go. I used to leave out a book about childhood injuries and how to treat them (BMA book available from all good bookshops) and a list of our doctors contact details etc BlushBlushBlush

Then wave them off with a big smile and a reminder that your child doesn't need a daily bath but does need a coat in cold weather. Trust your husband.

And then switch off as much as you can. The weekend will zip by and you will all be back in routine before you know it.

Bibijayne · 14/03/2019 21:40

Some harsh and downright mean posts here!

OP I understand. You're anxious. You and your partner do things X was with your DC. Your MIL thinks it should be Y and whilst your DH would shut down anyone else who did things that you and he did not like, he's not good at shutting down his own mum.

That doesn't mean you hate your MIL. It doesn't mean you and your DH are not a team. It just means it's a difficult confrontation.

There are tons of threads about these scenarios where most posters are not so mean.

I think you need to explain that you're anxious about leaving her already. That you want her to have some stability whilst your away and be somewhere familiar.

As a compromise, why not suggest a visit with all of you to the ILs soon after? And have him prepped to deal with anything that upsets your DC and thus you.

toastonbean · 14/03/2019 21:40

How often do you visit MiL? Is DH taking this opportunity because you tend to put a spanner in the works when he suggests visiting when you're around?

XingMing · 14/03/2019 21:44

I do hope that my comments have been constructive and reassuring @popsadaisy, and OP. I am not aiming for confrontational, and I vividly recall leaving DS for the first time. I was as worried as the OP, but my DMIL was a fully qualified nurse (also very old to cope with a toddler) and we're all still here, except that DS is now 20 and DMIL has dementia, so needs the same sort of care as an infant.

Original poster
Firsttime27 · 14/03/2019 21:44

Noteventhebirdsareupyet oh sorry! I am getting confused haha think I’ve only posted once before about baby names! And yes popsadaisy...not sure I’ll be asking for advice again. Thank you for being kind! Some have been helpful and put things into perspective a bit for me. I will have a discussion about some boundaries without trying to come across controlling. I didn’t articulate myself very well in OP.

I know they didn’t give her croup I was just meaning it’s probably not helping how I am feeling as I felt like the worst mother ever for not being there that night.

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 14/03/2019 21:47

You said it yourself nothing your MIL will do in the course of two days is life and death so it really doesn't matter.
Yes she probably won't do things exactly the same as you or your DH but unless she is actually causing harm it's no big deal.
Children are really good at understanding that different houses have different rules and whatever happens at your MIL doesn't need to effect what you do at home.
Let your DH choose how to spend his weekend with DD and you go off and have fun and don't worry.

XingMing · 14/03/2019 21:47

Forgive yourself @Firsttime27. It happens to us all, sooner or later.

winsinbin · 14/03/2019 21:48

If I were you OP I would be comforted by the thought that last time you left DD with your DH there was a crisis (croup) and he coped perfectly well and did the right thing to keep her safe and well.

He sounds like a good dad so go away, enjoy your trip and let him parent his DD in the way he thinks is best - just like you do.

FlagranceDirect · 14/03/2019 21:48

If DD is there I will be worrying about all manner of things. Meant kindly, that's really your problem to deal with. You can't control others to ease your anxiety. Your child will come to no harm with her father and her grandparents. You need to get this in perspective. YABVU

Original poster
Firsttime27 · 14/03/2019 21:48

No we see them regularly. They usually come here though as my SIL also lives here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Firsttime27 · 14/03/2019 21:50

Yes maybe it is more my problem

OP posts:
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