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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want partner to take dd to in laws whilst I’m away?

213 replies

Firsttime27 · 14/03/2019 19:50

I go to a hen do in 4 weeks for 2 nights, which is the longest I will have left dd who will be 17 months old. My partner has told me he plans to take her to his parents 2 and a half hours away and I feel sick at the thought. The last time we stayed there dd hardly slept all weekend and MIL undermined me on every parenting decision. I just don’t feel comfortable dd being there without me as I know MIL will take over and dd just ends up getting so worked up. My partner doesn’t really get involved as he is MUCH more laid back than I am. May sound selfish but I will relax so much more knowing she is at home in her own bed and only have my partner to watch her (who is brilliant with her). He can’t see why I am so upset about this and is making out I am saying it out of spite. But I feel that even though I won’t be there I still have a right to say where I would like dd to be don’t I??

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 16/03/2019 15:37

I can understand your worries however it is more your anxiety. One line really jumped out at me and that was when you said that you were even worried about the journey there and back.

I've been there, was constantly worried about my DP even his journeys to and from work and it ended up with me having a massive breakdown.

What you want is your DP and child at home, you know where they are and that they are safe however that's your anxiety which you need to get control of. It's very unreasonable to not allow your partner to go to his parents.

The other times you've been to your PIL, your child could possibly have been picking up on your tension which is why she was unsettled. It sounds like you don't like them, don't agree with them and don't want to be there. Children pick up on a lot more than we realise.

mrsmuddlepies · 16/03/2019 15:52

I agree with WhenISnapped, you admit to worrying about the journey there and back. You sound so anxious about leaving your daughter and you perhaps think only you can look after her. It is an enormous relief when you do leave them and you realise that they have survived and enjoyed themselves (hopefully). It will be liberating and your homecoming will be wonderful.
Go and have fun, enjoy yourself and feel good that your husband and his daughter are able to survive without you. All will be well.

Sorrywhat · 17/03/2019 14:49

Seems to me that a lot of parents care more about themselves than their children. Telling you it’s a winning situation because you don’t have to be there blah blah blah. Some parents (like myself and likely you too) care more about our children being comfortable above all else, including our own comfort.
I’m with you on this! No one can care for your child like you can and you are the mummy because you know what your child needs; not what people might think they need.
Don’t feel like you are controlling. I’d rather be seen as controlling than a selfish parent.

happierever · 17/03/2019 15:02

YAB totally U

LIZS · 17/03/2019 15:19

Yabu. I suspect without you there your dp may well take more active interest and be protective of dd. Unless he tends to revert to child role himself and let his mother entirely take over when staying there. It is coming across as more about your anxieties than a real risk to dd wellbeing. Your dp has the right to learn to parent too, which mean the odd misjudgement or change to her routine. Does he spend much one to one time with her, if not is there time to do so? She may be out of sorts next day and they not do things in the same way but that is normal whether you are there or not, and the odd coatless outdoor play is unlikely to cause a longer term issue.

FizzyGreenWater · 17/03/2019 15:23

No, I agree with you.

I really don't like the sound of too hot baths and no coat. I would expect DH to be able to remain in charge and it sounds as if he would not.

Your points are fair.

It would also be a very good idea for him to use this time to truly get experience in having sole responsibility. There's an undercurrent of 'hapless Dad heads back to mummy with his DD as he can't actually parent solo' which I don't like.

I would be asking him to not go.

FinallyHere · 17/03/2019 15:53

And I will also be worrying about the journey there and back.

Thats a lot of worry right there...

iolaus · 17/03/2019 16:06

BTW with 'bath water too hot' do you mean 'too hot could have hurt her' or 'perfectly acceptable but warmer than she likes'

My youngest likes his bath water far colder than I would have done it, the temp that is recommended he would dislike and likely would cry it wouldn't hurt him - seriously weird kid would probably accept it if I just ran the cold tap, if it's into luke warm he says its too hot

If it's the same for your daughter I would just 'warn' them (or dh to tell them) that she likes it colder than most babies/children - of course if she's coming out of the bath with a scald line round her body I'd reply differently and she wouldn't ever be bathed there again

blackcat86 · 17/03/2019 16:27

I really dont get this obsession with pretending that both parents are equal because in my experience that is rarely the case. Often one is more capable as a parent, the primary caregiver and the one who knows the child best. It doesn't matter if they are male or female, in a same sex or heterosexual relationship. Apparently were just meant to pretend though that parenting is so super easy that someone can just pick up and pop down the child, and that if the routine is messed up, the child is cold or in a too hot bath well fuck it who cares as long as mummy is having a good time! OP I totally understand. If I was you I would cancel the hen do. If your DH doesn't see why those examples with your MIL are unacceptable and harmful then no you shouldnt be leaving your DC with him over the weekend regardless of whether he sees MIL or not. You know he wont intervene which is why you're worrying so rather than trying to pretend he suddenly downloaded a parenting manual and common sense when his baby was born, get in the real world and listen to your gut instinct. Maybe its not what you want because hey who doesn't need a weekend off but like fuck would I be putting my DC in that situation so I could go off on a jolly.

onthenaughtystepagain · 17/03/2019 16:38

He has as much right to make decisions regarding your shared child as you are, you're not more special. You maybe make decisions that he doesn't agree with, it's what being a family is about.

Limensoda · 17/03/2019 16:51

Far too many people on Mumsnet can't get their heads around the fact that their mil is their child's grandparent, just like their own mother is and that their DH is an equal parent.
Expecting dads or grandparents to do everything with your child exactly the way you do or dictate is ridiculous.

Loopeylou92 · 17/03/2019 16:58

Omg op you are literally me!! I'd cringe at the thought of my partner taking the kids to MIL on his own. Only because of the way MIL and they rest of the family are.. letting them eat loads of sweets, fizzy, takeaways ect, going out without coat on just like you said, changing nappy and not putting sudocream on and the worst putting fingers in youngest childs mouth.. especially without washing hands!!! Why do people do this its so f*ing strange!! And those are just the few i can think of. Yes we may be being a bit unreasonable but who cares they're our children at the end of the day.

FizzyGreenWater · 17/03/2019 17:09

that their DH is an equal parent.

um, that's what she wants him to be, instead of haring back to his parents' house for the first time he is left in sole charge for a significant amount of time and letting MIL pretend to be mummy while he reverts to child mode himself (code: 'is very laid back')

If I had been the one mainly in sole charge up til now I would really not like my DH making it clear to his parents that his default setting would be to hand the baby over to them if I were away. Just no. Sounds like MIL is a bit overenthusiastic and the BEST way to start setting the tone there would be for her son to use this moment to make it 100% clear that he's a parent, he's independent, it's not a given that he will spend his solo parenting time basically letting her carry him.

Alsohuman · 17/03/2019 17:10

You think putting a knuckle in a teething baby’s mouth is strange? Perhaps you’d better tell my Dil who doesn’t think it in the least strange.

MillyMollyMandy2018 · 17/03/2019 17:12

Another one who feels the same as OP. The first time I wanted a weekend away my DH wanted to take DD to his parents overnight. I wasn’t comfortable with it for same reasons. Right before I was due to leave I found out MIL had also invited other GD to turn it into a ‘sleepover’. DD was one and her cousin was 8 or 9. I felt like she had kept it secret because I wouldn’t be comfortable with that arrangement. I called MIL and said sleepover was cancelled, she should have checked with me first. She said it’s her house and she can do what she likes. OK fine but DD isn’t staying over.
I’m her Mum, I’m not comfortable, it’s my first weekend away, I don’t want to spend it worrying.
Had a feeling DH just wanted to outsource the responsibility for the weekend. In laws live 10 min drive, no need to stay over in my eyes.
If you are not comfortable ask him to make alternative plans. I don’t think that’s unreasonable at all.

BrieAndChilli · 17/03/2019 17:14

He’s just thought what shall we do all weekend and decided to go to his parents. I’d do the same (NC with parents but would go visit my sister) and have when DH is away.

I agree that if it was your DH saying you couldn’t visit your family while he was away elsewhere everyone would tell you to leave him and he was being controlling etc.

bringincrazyback · 17/03/2019 17:21

Why drip feed all this info ?

In my experience 'drip feeding' is quite a Mumsnettish concept. If the OP hasn't been here very long she might not have been aware of how much this gets jumped on around MN (although then again, so do long opening posts, so it's hard to know what is considered acceptable!)

Can't believe the aggression and unpleasantness on this thread.

Limensoda · 17/03/2019 17:37

I called MIL and said sleepover was cancelled, she should have checked with me first. She said it’s her house and she can do what she likes. OK fine but DD isn’t staying over

You object to your mil having 2. GDs staying over in her own house?
FFS, I feel sorry for some mils and children of such controlling mothers.

KarmaStar · 17/03/2019 17:40

Op,just go and enjoy the weekend and leave your dc with your dh.
Or stay at home.
You cannot dictate to your dh what he does and where he goes. it is your issue,not his,and you should make a decision and stick to it.
If you go,tell yourself you are confident dc will be very well cared for and you are not going to ruin your(and the other's)weekend by fretting about your dc.
You can always Skype if you really have to .
But it's 48 hours.that's no time at all.
Go have some fun and have a great time😀

Limensoda · 17/03/2019 17:41

um, that's what she wants him to be, instead of haring back to his parents' house for the first time he is left in sole charge for a significant amount of time and letting MIL pretend to be mummy

Taking the opportunity to visit his parents for a relaxed visit without an over anxious wife there?
He's not letting her mil play 'mummy' It's probably a rare chance to let her be a grandmother, which is what she is.
Your comment demonstrates that some mums see their mil as a threat to their role as mother. Paranoia.

adaline · 17/03/2019 18:39

To me, visiting implies a few hours. This is staying.

His parents live 2.5 hours away, though. So with a small child, it makes sense to spend a night or two, surely? Otherwise the child is spending 5 hours in a car in one day - not much fun for them or the driver, I would imagine!

Too many people dress controlling behaviour up as anxiety/worry these days (I've done it myself in the past, I admit) and I worry about the implications this has on their relationships and their children.

MillyMollyMandy2018 · 17/03/2019 20:05

Limensoda - yes funnily enough I object to someone changing the arrangements last minute and almost certainly so I don’t have a chance to make alternatives whether I’m comfortable with it or not. Am I going to let my 1 yr old stay overnight somewhere for the first time, with another child that she has also never stayed overnoghy with before? No, I put my child’s personal well being and safety first. Above anything else. That’s was a good parent does.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/03/2019 20:13

um, that's what she wants him to be, instead of haring back to his parents' house for the first time he is left in sole charge for a significant amount of time and letting MIL pretend to be mummy while he reverts to child mode himself (code: 'is very laid back')

Or maybe he thought he’d kill some, break things up a bit while the OP was away, get out and visit his parents with DD.

AuchAyeTheNo · 17/03/2019 20:29

OP if your still reading I think you’ve been given a rough ride by some posters on here!!

Your baby’s still so small so naturally your bound to feel nervous. I felt the same leaving my wee one for a hen weekend.

Cheby · 17/03/2019 20:49

I’d be really unhappy with this OP; simply because your DH isNT of the best interests of DD here.

Her mum is away for the first time. She is clingy and has separation anxiety anyway (pretty typical of that age). She will be unsettled. Best thing to do is to keep her in whatever her normal routine is. Give her some stability so even though Mummy is away she has some structure and she knows her surroundings etc.

Taking them to a different environment can be unsettling enough for little ones. Add that to being separated from her mother for the first time and she is going to find it very challenging and possibly stressful.