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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want partner to take dd to in laws whilst I’m away?

213 replies

Firsttime27 · 14/03/2019 19:50

I go to a hen do in 4 weeks for 2 nights, which is the longest I will have left dd who will be 17 months old. My partner has told me he plans to take her to his parents 2 and a half hours away and I feel sick at the thought. The last time we stayed there dd hardly slept all weekend and MIL undermined me on every parenting decision. I just don’t feel comfortable dd being there without me as I know MIL will take over and dd just ends up getting so worked up. My partner doesn’t really get involved as he is MUCH more laid back than I am. May sound selfish but I will relax so much more knowing she is at home in her own bed and only have my partner to watch her (who is brilliant with her). He can’t see why I am so upset about this and is making out I am saying it out of spite. But I feel that even though I won’t be there I still have a right to say where I would like dd to be don’t I??

OP posts:
oh4forkssake · 14/03/2019 21:54

This is definitely more your problem.

Remind DH about the bath thing and make sure he runs it, and you've just got to suck up the food and clothes bit. It sounds like she loves her very much and I don't think she's going to do her any harm.

If she comes back shattered, make sure DH deals with her for a couple of nights - he makes this mess, he can clean it up!

Noteventhebirdsareupyet · 14/03/2019 21:55

Ask him nicely to stay at home and in routine while you are away and then all go to PIL's the following weekend as a PP said.

If that is not something your hubby is happy to do then you have to cancel your trip or as you say, discuss boundaries and hope for the best. I agree that time will fly when you are away and the build up will probably be worse than the reality.

It's not easy being a first time Mama is it! Good luck with whatever you choose to do, hope you can get away and enjoy yourself. X

AnneOfCleanTables · 14/03/2019 21:59

There comes a point where you have to realise other people will treat your DC differently from you and your DC will be fine. This might be a good time to embrace that truth.
One weekend being spoiled by GPs isn't going to negatively impact your DD's life. She will be fine. And if she is grumpy and tired, your DH will deal with it and possibly think twice about taking her there the next time you go away

Mishappening · 14/03/2019 22:03

Don't go to the hen??? - just a thought. Maybe you are not ready for this - it is clearly making you anxious. I would be concerned at the idea of putting her in a bath that was too hot.

OhTheRoses · 14/03/2019 22:08

OP

You tell your dp to monitprnthe bathwater and make sure the baby has a hat and fleece on. Sweet stuff - It's what grandma's do, just give her teeth a good brush when you get home. If the thought of your MIL looking after her is so bad and if you have genuine concerns then don't go.

If MIL is an ordinary indulgent MIL then I think you need to give yourself a talking to. If she isn't perhaps you need to give dh a talking to.

Your dd is 17 months. If MIL is what would be regarded as functional and loving then you need to deal with your anxiety. If there are underlying issues (you said your dh gre up in foster care) then you neednto tackle them headbon and set boundaries.

Shoxfordian · 14/03/2019 22:12

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SpareASquare · 14/03/2019 22:16

I'd wonder why he doesn't want to stay at home with his dd, which is what they would be doing if OP was home

I'm sure he's looking forward to a more relaxed visit with his parents. Something that clearly doesn't happen with OP hovering over everyone and everything.
OP, your DD will be fine, honestly. She'll probably have a wonderful time if anything. It is hard to imagine that, I know, but she will and you should really not make YOUR issue hers. Or your partners.

LovingLola · 14/03/2019 22:18

you have to cancel your trip or as you say, discuss boundaries

What boundaries exactly ??

Pippa12 · 14/03/2019 22:19

I think if you trust your DH enough to leave your baby for a hen party, you have to trust in his parenting skills.

YANBU discussing your concerns with him, and pointing out past scenarios that you don’t want repeating. YABU suggesting he can’t visit his parents.

Have you considered that your DH maybe nervous at the prospect of a full weekend of childcare and would like the support of his parent?

Or

That he feels uneasy about you going away and will feel better with company to pass the time quicker and take his mind off the hen party?

I’d cut him some slack.

endofthelinefinally · 14/03/2019 22:23

The too hot bath would worry me tbh. Little children can get scalded at lower temperatures than adults.

Pippa12 · 14/03/2019 22:24

FWIW I went home to my parents when my DH went away with my first child... is it not the same? And can you imagine if I came on here and said DH said I can’t go? Hmm

Noteventhebirdsareupyet · 14/03/2019 22:35

@LovingLola

you have to cancel your trip or as you say, discuss boundaries

What boundaries exactly ??

Err how about dh bathing his own child or overseeing bath time to ensure that a baby isn't in an overly hot bath, hot enough to make her cry. I'd probably start with that one personally!

mrsmuddlepies · 14/03/2019 22:37

I think you believe that you have more rights because you are the mother. If your husband walks away because of your controlling behaviour, you have no rights to dictate who your daughter can see on his access time. There are laws that stop one parent deliberately turning your child against the other parent.
You are trying to sabotage your daughters relationship with your husband's family. Try to see things from his point of view. Be kind and trust him.
www.theguardian.com/society/2017/nov/17/parental-alienation-divorce-custody-crackdown-cafcass

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 14/03/2019 22:38

I'm pretty new to MN and really don't think this place is for me tbh! You're all a bunch of stuck up busy bodies looking to criticise anybody you can in order to make yourselves feel better

Got a hunch you’d be better suited over on Nethuns.

OP sometimes it’s good to get things off your chest on MN and thrash out your thoughts, listen to what other people think about your situation. FWIW you sound like you have listened to posters views in the main and will work on hopefully feeling better about leaving DD with your DH.

Talking is paramount, hopefully he will understand where you’re coming from and reassure you that he’s perfectly capable of looking after DD.

drogon1 · 14/03/2019 22:38

Jesus there are some proper wankers on MN. Sorry they've all jumped on your thread OP.

YANBU to have your anxieties. I'd let DH take your DD to MIL but be very firm about your boundaries.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 14/03/2019 22:40

I'd let DH take your DD to MIL but be very firm about your boundaries

Her husband doesn’t need permission to visit his own parents fgs.

FrozenMargarita17 · 14/03/2019 22:41

Ah op I'm so sorry you've had such a hard time on this post :( people have been really, really awful to you.

I understand it's hard to leave your dd for the first time. It's hard when you're the person who looks after them all the time and you know the ins and outs of their likes/dislikes/things that wind them up/calm them down. But I'm sure your dd will be fine, you'll be back in no time. You'll love the freedom of a weekend away - no baby bag! No sick or food on your clothes! No one pulling your hair!

Enjoy it, op x

drogon1 · 14/03/2019 22:45

@GreatDuckCookery

No but when their dd is involved and OP is concerned over HER dds welfare then yes, there does need to be a discussion about it. Fgs.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 14/03/2019 22:47

If your MIL has form for doing things that hurt your child of course you'd be anxious.

Have a frank talk with your DH about your worries. He just needs to keep an eye on things and be confident about stepping in if your MIL does anything that goes against what you, as parents, are happy with. But there's nothing intrinsically wrong with him wanting to take her to his parents while you are away.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 14/03/2019 22:49

Yes but he still doesn’t need his wife’s permission to see his parents. As I just said. It’s his child also.

FlagranceDirect · 14/03/2019 22:50

When my dh used to go away working for more than a couple of days and my children were both babies, I'd drive a couple of hours to stay with family. It wasn't because I couldn't cope on my own, just nice to have adult company. Also meant I could spend more time with my family than husband could tolerate in one go.

He's taken them to his parents without me as well - I just stayed home alone having a lovely bath and wine and chocolate time.
It gives everyone a break, one way or another.
It really does pay to have some flexibility, and get babies used to being with one parent and wider family.

The only one thing that might worry me is the hot bath, if indeed the bath was dangerously hot. In that case I would absolutely forbid a bath time alone with mil. Either Dad does it or they don't have a bath.
If he can promise you that, you have to trust him.

fargo123 · 16/03/2019 01:31

It's his child too. I hate all the ' my child, my rules ' shit that mother's come out with. Why shouldn't he take HIS child to visit his parents?

Agreed.

If my husband tried to pull a stunt like this on me, we'd be having a very serious discussion about how he is never, ever, to try and control me, and that if I wanted to take my child/ren to see my parents then that's what would be happening.

PregnantSea · 16/03/2019 02:47

Unless your MIL does something really bad, IE something which may be dangerous, then I say just let up.

My parents and my ILs live on a different continent to me so I appreciate that my view is probably different, but when I take my DC back to the UK to visit I will just let them get on with it. They can give them too many sweeties and let them stay up late and eat tea in front of the telly. I don't care because they're not parents, they're grandparents, and it's ok for them to break some of the rules. I have very fond memories of my Nana giving me sickly sweet porridge, laden with sugar and cream, and letting me stay up late watching scary films. In fairness the films sometimes gave me nightmares lol, but it did me no real harm. I think grandparents are allowed to be a bit "naughty" when mum's not looking.

I know on Mumsnet that's not a popular viewpoint so I will probably get flamed for saying that... And I would say an exception would be if the grandparent live very close and see your DC most days. Then their choices do become more of an issue because it's a bigger part of the child's life and not just an occasional treat.

swingofthings · 16/03/2019 05:55

First time, I totally get your anxiety. I had to live my then 12momtbs and 3y old kids suddenly following a death in my family. I didn't even get th le chance to say good bye, it was terrible and ilI cried the entire trip getting there. I had never left them before and both were poor sleepers who relied on me fully to comfort the. I was supposed to stay there for 3 days but I was so miserable, imagining them crying for me, unsettled, after two days, I made up a lie to come back early. I will always remember running from the train station home as could wait to cuddle them. I imagined opening the door hearing them shouting for me, hugging me etc... As it was, it was nothing like it. The house was nicely quiet, both of them engaged in an activity which they didn't stop when they saw me, instead just gave me a big smile and said hell mummy.

I realised after speaking to them that they had been absolutely fine without me, no trauma, no distress, no crying for me at night and tsht it had actually did them a lot of good that I'd been away for 2 days. After that, I was absolutely fine leaving them with family for a few days and made the most of it. Relax and don't worry. Your OH will be fine with them at his pare ts and your DD will enjoy spending time with her grandparents.

Ouchmytoe · 16/03/2019 06:07

YABU. It's a couple of days. I'd be furious if DH told me I couldn't go to my parents house while he was away on a stag!!! If you feel so strongly about it you shouldn't go on the hen night