Does having one DC make people assume 'never again!'?

[MidwifeyForLifey]

I've been told twice now, by different people, that because I'm choosing to keep my son as an only child, it looks like I thought 'never again'.

What do you subconsciously think when you know/see someone with an only child?

I have thought about it some more, and before having my current DC, I remember sometimes thinking why there wasn't more than one when seeing an only child, and that child didn't have any siblings.

For me, it's because my DC is so bloody fantastic that I won't risk having another one because I know I won't get so lucky again Not prepared to risk it. Love having kids 1. And I loved being a singleton for 11+ years.

*love having just 1

I dont assume anything. I certainly dont comment. I might ponder, fleetingly if you had fertility problems or it was an age related decision.

I think of my sister who said "never again" and also my best friend who wanted a huge family and had 8 miscarriages and one baby.

Plain Thank you, pondering is what I meant really as I know polite people don't ask! Unless they're close friends etc, which is fine.

I've noticed people seem to be talk very 'freely' when it comes to opinions on only children. A bit like pregnant women, but worse, since pregnant women seem to be speaking up about this more and more now.

I try not make assumptions but....I usually think there's a reason they stopped at 1 whether that be infertility, miscarriage, finances, relationship, prioritising career etc...

It’s never occurred to me that someone has thought “never again” if they just have one child.

Even if they did, what does it matter to you? What would be wrong with someone deciding “never again” after their first?

I do think it’s a shame for the child, but there are so many reasons it may be an only that I would t make any judgement on it

I might assume you may have had a horrific birth, as I know a few people who had one for that reason, or fertility problems. I certainly don’t think only children are worse off in anyway.

I agree with you, parenthood is one of those things you’re always getting judged on!

'I do think it’s a shame for the child,'

Why?

FWIW I said “never again” after both my children (not twins) and I genuinely meant it both times. But I’d love a third now.

I assume that there are fertility issues that are preventing them from having another.

Why is one child seen as a bad thing?

'I assume that there are fertility issues that are preventing them from having another.'

Wow, really?

I assume that there are fertility issues that are preventing them from having another.

Why?? that’s ridiculous.

Even if they did, what does it matter to you? What would be wrong with someone deciding “never again” after their first?

It sort of matters to me, because they'd be in the same boat as me I don't want to go again. Ever.

I do sometimes look at DS playing and feel somewhat sad, then I see him play with cousins and he seems the most confident and charming. Yet gets to go home to peace and quiet!

People will always judge your parenting choices. I have posted a few threads about having an only child and the comments I get and now I just think I couldn't care less what people think they are not in my day to day life so they can think whatever they want. And for the poster saying they think its a shame for the child, what a stupid comment!

Not really. I think most women probably think 'never again' and then go on to have another anyway. I'd assume that people with an only child either planned to only have one or found after the first that they couldn't have another.

I can think of plenty of reasons to stop at one. In no particular order: fertility, finance, PND, hideous pregnancy, hideous childbirth, marital difficulties, first one was accidental, career.

I intended to stop at one, but contraceptive failure had other ideas. Luckily he is awesome even if his brother doesn’t agree most of the time

It sort of matters to me, because they'd be in the same boat as me

No I meant why does it matter to you that other people look at you and your one child and think “oh she must have decided never again”?

Another interesting question is, at what age of their DC would you start to think these thoughts?

Obviously nobody would think it if they see a couple with a small baby. So when do you think the wondering of why they're an only child starts?

Never thought much tbh, just that having one is really easy

I don’t think anything. Because it’s not some assumed default to have multiple kids, or kids at all. When I meet someone who doesn’t have kids I don’t ponder to myself why that might be, just as when I meet someone with kids I don’t ponder why they didn’t decide to remain childfree.

Having kids, one kid, no kids, bio kid, adopting, fostering, stepkids, there’s no default in the wide range of human behaviour so there’s no reason I’d look at someone’s circumstances and have any opinion on why they didn’t do something different.

You seem obsessed with this OP. You’re obviously insecure about your decision. Don’t be. It’s a perfectly valid choice. Others choose differently for different reasons but having one child is certainly not rare.

"I do think it’s a shame for the child, but there are so many reasons it may be an only that I would t make any judgement on it"

but you did make a judgment by thinking its a shame?

Another interesting question is, at what age of their DC would you start to think these thoughts?

I don't think most people do think these thoughts tbh. It's not particularly unusual to have an only child, after all.