Does having one DC make people assume 'never again!'?

[MidwifeyForLifey]

I've been told twice now, by different people, that because I'm choosing to keep my son as an only child, it looks like I thought 'never again'.

What do you subconsciously think when you know/see someone with an only child?

I have thought about it some more, and before having my current DC, I remember sometimes thinking why there wasn't more than one when seeing an only child, and that child didn't have any siblings.

For me, it's because my DC is so bloody fantastic that I won't risk having another one because I know I won't get so lucky again Not prepared to risk it. Love having kids 1. And I loved being a singleton for 11+ years.

To be honest this is not something iv ever wondered why. People have a child and i just take it on face value that is their family.

Dont worry about what people think...also they probably are not thinking it, they are probably thinking other things, like whats on telly later

My SIL did exactly that. Had one child, said ‘never again’ and she meant it. That young man is now at University.

I wouldn't assume anything. Some of DD's close friends are onlys. Reasons range from secondary infertility, single parent etc. I personally don't want another because a) she's perfect and b) never again

I usually think (because from the people I know, it’s true) that one of the couple never wanted children in the first place and the one child has been a compromise.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat - that might be true in one case, but are you aware how incredibly unpleasant that assumption is when you don't know the people involved?! You're assuming that only children are not wanted by at least one of their parents!

Unpleasant to who? I’ve never said it to their faces, how can they possibly know I think this?

It's an unpleasant assumption to make about people if you don't know them. It says a lot about you frankly

I wouldn't think anything of it. It's hardly unusual. If pressed I'd just think it was their choice all along, or just that they are perfectly happy as they are and don't want anything to change.

If anything, it seems like the people with.. errr... let's say a high needs child, are the ones to say "life can't get any crazier - let's just have more as it won't make any difference". Whereas the ones with the perfect easy child want to quit while they are ahead.

I’m an only child as my mum divorced and never remarried.

Maybe it’s because of this I just don’t blink when I see only children; it’s also really common to have one child only where I am (London) and as my oldest is 3 it doesn’t “factor as a thing” yet.

It’s just not something a give any thought to, but likely that’s because I’m an only.

It wouldn't be one of my first thoughts. I do often wonder why people choose to have only children (because I had an only child for a long time, and I felt my choice was unusual in my area, most other mums had 2-3 dc). But usually I would think it was because because of secondary infertility, or other medical issues. In my case it was because of my relationship breaking down, and dc1 has SN which was very demanding. Yet a lot of single mums around me would find new relationships and have more children, and many other mums of disabled dc also had subsequent children, so I don't think those reasons are common. I think in most 'Never again' cases I've known, the women have ended up getting broody and having another child again actually.

I always said I was happy to have an only child, but then I went and had dc2 when dc1 was 18 . They are both effectively parented as 'onlies' though - no issues with sharing or sibling rivalry etc!

I wouldn't think that, there are so many reasons to only have one. In my case, it is most likely a 'never again', not because there's anything at all wrong with DD but because I suffered from PND so badly I had a breakdown within two weeks of her birth.

I wouldn't want to inflict that on myself again, and more importantly on DD as she needs me to be her 'normal', dependable mummy. She was a very good baby (slept through from 8 weeks), so it was not her fault at all, but I personally know that the sleep deprivation and hormonal fuck-up of the first few weeks sends me down a very bleak hole. So, 'never again'.

I don’t assume anything because whilst I have 2 half siblings, I’m my mums only child. She desperately wanted more but my dad didn’t, she was also 42 when I was born, finances were an issue, etc etc. I have friends who have an only child for a variety of reasons... choice, bad pregnancy/birth, fertility issues. So i know it is a hugely personal thing. I’d never ask anyone why they “only” had one child.

Is it that you don’t want people to think you “couldn’t hack it” OP? (Motherhood that is) or that your decision to stop at one is in some way connected to your ability to be a good mum?

I’m not explaining this well and it’s certainly not what I’d think! but you said you didn’t know why this bothers you and if I put myself in your shoes that’s what I’d be afraid of people thinking. Purely because, like you, I don’t particularly enjoy being a mother and I’d be afraid having just one child would expose that and people might question if I loved my existing child enough.

Anywho I can’t quite articulate what I’m trying to say but I hope you get the gist.

Personally I would ponder why people stop at one, mostly because I’m from a catholic country and huge families are the norm (at least they were while I was growing up) so it’s unusual for people to stop at one.

As for what age - I’d start to wonder if their DC was over 3 and there was no sign of a subsequent pregnancy... a two/three year age gap is very standard among my family/friends.

I've only ever wanted one child, and I now have just that. We're continually asked when we're having another, and get the same look and response of 'we will see.'
We want to continue to give DS a good life rather than struggle, mainly financially, with two. I also have MH problems which got much worse whilst on maternity leave, and would never wish to be in that place again!

It's never occurred to me to think anything about it.

I was a never again though. Half changed my mind a little bit in that I was considering the possibility of maybe trying for a second, but health problems cropped up, and the moment passed.

I used to privately think that it was a "shame" for the child to be growing up without siblings, as I have a close relationship with my own sister and I have 2 DDs who are the best of friends (99% of the time!)

My best friend had always wanted children, but didn't meet her DH until she was 35, then had her first DS at the age of 40. Her much longed for second DS died during the 30th week of her pregnancy, just before her 44th birthday.

These days I try not to think anything when I hear of 'only children'. Quite honestly, it's none of my business how many children other people have - it's an incredibly personal decision - and sometimes one which isn't even within their control.

OP, stop worrying what other people think and just continue to enjoy your own family.

My almost 2yr dd will be an only child via me

Tho has 3 older siblings 25/30yrs older then her from
Her dads previous relationships

Dd took 10yrs ttc and 5 private ivf

I am much older then I wanted to be but overjoyed to be a KIMMY

Df and I can give her a good life as an only child /much younger then other 3

I think even if I hadn’t had infertility issues and was younger - almostb44 giving birth

Dd would still be my only child

We have a good life - she is very sociable as always taken her out to groups and seen friends

There is nothing wrong with having one child

Ffs a mummy. Not a KIMMY

Why is a shame for the child?

My dd is a only child and 19 nearly and has thrived through her childhood going into adulthood. I asked dd if she would of ever liked a sibling and she said no. She hasn't missed out on anything and has many friends and the start of a good career. I also don't regret having anymore children.
I can't afford anymore and don't want such a big age gap.

Midwifey, my DW and I had to deal with what your going through only many years ago. We were married young, me 23 and her 20, took 5 years to conceive our 1st child as DW was diagnosed with endometriosis. We never specifically tried to conceive, but when DS was 4, DW became pregnant with child number 2. At about 24 weeks DW had a horrendous miscarriage, which put her off the idea of a second child for awhile. During DW yearly's at 32 and 34 she was told they found pre cancer cells and at 36 she said enough is enough and had a hysterectomy.

People have different reasons so hard to make a blanket assumption.

Friends with one I can think of:

• financial reasons
• age
• won’t have another until DP marries her
• secondary infertility (failed IUI so far)

I normally assume fertility, but that's only because it took us over 12yrs to get our son. And at almost 2yrs after him we seem to be back to infertility trying for #2 😥

Pernickity, I’m also from a Catholic country where contraception laws were draconian into my undergraduate days, and where I was one of four, DH is one of six, and many of my schoolmates had six or or more siblings — my MIL is one of thirteen. That callous legal and religious disregard for women’s ability to control their own reproduction has absolutely influenced my decision to have one child only.

I never found when I just had one DC that people assumed “never again”! Far from it - they often lectured me on how I should get on home and provide him with a sibling! I didn’t bring it up, yet when I finally got fed up and told them it’s not that easy, when suffering recurrent miscarriage - they got embarrassed and walked off!