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Original poster

Does having one DC make people assume 'never again!'?

212 replies

MidwifeyForLifey · 12/03/2019 16:20

I've been told twice now, by different people, that because I'm choosing to keep my son as an only child, it looks like I thought 'never again'.

What do you subconsciously think when you know/see someone with an only child?

I have thought about it some more, and before having my current DC, I remember sometimes thinking why there wasn't more than one when seeing an only child, and that child didn't have any siblings.

For me, it's because my DC is so bloody fantastic that I won't risk having another one because I know I won't get so lucky again Grin Not prepared to risk it. Love having kids 1. And I loved being a singleton for 11+ years.

OP posts:
JamPasty · 12/03/2019 19:33

coco123456789 - the bad sibling relations I know about are nothing to do with parenting. I'm an only who is quite happy thanks. And I won't be alone in dealing with my parents in their old age, as I have friends who will be there for me. I'm bloody glad my parents didn't have another child just for that reason!

Windingstreams · 12/03/2019 19:35

I genuinely think that bad sibling relationships are the result of parenting. We constantly work to encourage nurturing between our kids, never let anyone be left out, always point out to them that a sibling is your closest friend in life - the person you will know for longer than you ever know anybody

My parents did all this. As adults my sister and I are not close, we never talk or see each other outside of family gatherings. It breaks my mum and dad’s heart, there’s no bad feelings but we’re just extremely different people. Things don’t always work out how you’d like them to

Celebelly · 12/03/2019 19:36

We decided before we started TTC we only wanted one. No fertility problems, pregnancy was fine, so far (DD is a month) a very easy baby, we just don't want more than one. I'd be quite offended if someone assumed we had fertility problems or thought it was a shame for our daughter. We will be able to give her so many opportunities and all of our love and time. She certainly doesn't need anyone's pity.

When I see someone with an only child it doesn't even cross my mind as to why they wouldn't want another. It's not unusual or weird in any way!

SparklesAndUnicorns · 12/03/2019 19:39

I don't see any issue with having one/none/50 kids! It's all down to personal choice and tbh I have never even wondered why someone has decided to have one child as I have never thought that it's strange at all.

Celebelly · 12/03/2019 19:41

Also I was an only and bloody loved it. I used to come home from my friends' houses and tell my mum how glad I was I didn't have any brothers and sisters! As for no support when parents get older etc., I have a partner and close friends. My mum ended up having to care for my grandad solo, despite having two brothers. She's now estranged from one as he nicked a bunch of money from my grandad. Having another child just because you think they'll look after you when old or support your other child is bonkers IMO.

pinkgloves · 12/03/2019 19:47

Lonely child may struggle to share. Spoilt brat. Thats more based on a friends child.

Annnnnnd the asshole of the week award goes toooooo.....

Beaniebaby4 · 12/03/2019 19:47

I find it so odd that people ask, never mind assumed things in their own minds! I literally don’t think or care about how many children people have.
Lots of people ask me when we’re having another one, LOTS, I just reply with oh we can’t have anymore but we really wanted 2. You could cut the tension with a knife. Ask a personal question and you get a personal answer!
Truth is I could have more but would most likely end up in a wheelchair so in my mind it’s not worth it. I also had a really difficult pregnancy that would definitely be catagorised under “never again!” That’s a bit complicated to explain when you just want people to stop asking such a personal question.

WendyCope · 12/03/2019 19:47

Well me and my sister are NC from the age of 40. I am 48.

My daughter is not a 'spoilt brat' who 'doesn't share' she is far, far from it. A lovely and humble little girl.

hammeringinmyhead · 12/03/2019 19:50

I am an only child and it is complete and utter bollocks that we don't share. In fact our only option for having anyone to play with means being nice, sharing and a generally good playmate. You learn this quickly.

I have one baby and he's not getting any siblings. I can't juggle a toddler or primary kid and a pregnancy/baby!

katelily2017 · 12/03/2019 19:52

I wouldn't assume anything at all. Complete personal choice and could be absolutely any reason. Don't worry about it at all x

Secretdebt · 12/03/2019 19:53

My 3yo DS who is an only is the best sharer I know, much better than most adults! The other week the train conductor asked jokingly for his chocolate buttons and DS handed them over without a moment's hesitation.

WendyCope · 12/03/2019 19:56

I would like to add, siblings in middle age, seeing inheritance looming, change a lot, from the 5 year olds you see 'happily' playing together.

Don't be naïve!

My DD has no after school 'clubs'. She has me. Finishes school at 5pm. Then has homework.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 12/03/2019 19:58

So much shite on this thread. People must keep very small circles to have such limited experience of only children or to make such assumptions about why people have however many children they have.

MinnieMountain · 12/03/2019 20:06

We're very happy with one and saw no reason to change it. Cemented by the fact that I am now on medication which causes birth defects.

So I never wonder. I have friends who wouldn't have tried again if DC2 had ended in miscarriage. There are all sorts of reasons.

MarthasGinYard · 12/03/2019 20:09

"I'd assume there were Fertility issues"

'What an odd ball comment.'

It really is

RoseGoldEagle · 12/03/2019 20:10

Being completely honest, if it’s someone I don’t know very well I do wonder if fertility problems stopped them having more. Of course rationally I know there are loads of other reasons, and often will be because they didn’t want any more, and I wouldn’t dream of asking someone, it’s just a fleeting thing that I wonder. I don’t know if that’s just because I was so desperate for a second and we struggled, so it’s probably skewed my perspective.

AuntMarch · 12/03/2019 20:17

I'm expecting my first. I fell pregnant at the end of my relationship (I didn't know it at the time. We tried to make it work, not meant to be.)
I'm confident we will coparent well but we certainly won't be making any more and I won't be in a hurry to meet anyone else and settle down - I actually don't think I am cut out for it!
Given that I'm already 33 I see it as highly unlikely there'll be more than one DC in my life and that's fine by me.

Weirdwonders · 12/03/2019 20:25

Who cares? Please don’t tell me people have kids based on other people’s expectations or of the social ‘stigma’ of having an only child.

Mummyshark2018 · 12/03/2019 20:29

Some strange comments on here about only children. Only children families are increasing alongside overall decrease in family sizes. I have one who is sociable, happy and we have the closest relationship. I love spending 1:1 time with her. I have never made assumptions about why others only have one, in the same way I wouldn't make assumptions about why people have 2,3,4 etc! When I have been asked , usually by (nosy) acquaintances when I'm going to have another I say something like " I don't feel the need to have another as I hit the jackpot with dc. She is everything I ever wanted and more". Usually they don't say anything (cos it's true imo!).

keepforgettingmyusername · 12/03/2019 20:29

You usually revert to what's familiar to you as that's how the brain works. I've had several miscarriages following DC1 so my brain will think along the lines of the strongest pathway it has created, which is that other families with only children have had fertility problems. Someone else who doesn't want another for say financial reasons will probably make that assumption about other families, subconsciously. It doesn't really matter at the end of the day as long as you're happy as a family.

Mummabear2212 · 12/03/2019 20:40

I didn't realise so many people felt sorry for me and what a shame my whole life must be, as an only child. For what it's worth, I'm a well balanced woman who is perfectly capable of sharing. There are some very odd perceptions of only children on this thread. I don't wish to speak for other only children, but for me certainly I don't need anyone feeling sorry for me or my childhood and how sad and lonely you imagine it must have been.

Absurditi · 12/03/2019 20:50

I grew up as an only child most of the time, spending alternate weekends with my younger siblings, plus some holidays. Alternate Christmases. When I was my Nan and Grampa, Christmas would be just us, very quiet. Having siblings is overrated. We don't speak now, we just grew apart and stopped speaking.

MarthasGinYard · 12/03/2019 21:15

'Lonely child may struggle to share. Spoilt brat. Thats more based on a friends child.'

What a complete load of bollox

My only child is rather privileged I guess.

But

a 'spoilt brat' who 'struggles to share' and is a 'lonely child'

Nah

I think this is your 'friends' parenting.

JustTwoMoreSecs · 12/03/2019 21:19

I would never say anything. But yes being honest I think either fertility issues or the parents wanted an easy life.
No judgment though, I really don’t care, but it is human nature to wonder.

WendyCope · 12/03/2019 21:22

IMO DC'S with siblings are the ones that struggle to share!

Just my personal experience.

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