Does having one DC make people assume 'never again!'?

[MidwifeyForLifey]

I've been told twice now, by different people, that because I'm choosing to keep my son as an only child, it looks like I thought 'never again'.

What do you subconsciously think when you know/see someone with an only child?

I have thought about it some more, and before having my current DC, I remember sometimes thinking why there wasn't more than one when seeing an only child, and that child didn't have any siblings.

For me, it's because my DC is so bloody fantastic that I won't risk having another one because I know I won't get so lucky again Not prepared to risk it. Love having kids 1. And I loved being a singleton for 11+ years.

I have one DC precisely because I thought 'never again!'

I don't think anything of it.

This thread is distressing ( for me at least) . We'd settled for one not because of never again, but rather because I have horrendous hyperemesis in pregnancy that is resistant to all known anti emetics. I had a termination for a subsequent pregnancy because I couldn't carry on with normal life.

I've only 1 child, I had such a bad time having him that I don't think my body would let me get pregnant again.

I think some people say some version of "never again" (or, more tactfully, "I wouldn't be good at coping with more than one child") because they are being tactful--they basically prefer life with one child (and why not? It's fine to have a preference for an only child!), but don't want to come across as acting as though they feel their choice is better or that they pity those with more than one child.

user1489792710 that's what never again means isn't it? That for your own fully legitimate reasons you never want to go through pregnancy (and/ or for some people childbirth or unusually difficult babyhood) again.

What else could it mean?

I know a few people who have stopped at 1. One of my very close friends the reason was partly to do with the birth, she had a 3rd degree, very nearly 4th degree tear and struggled to recover. She wasn't very maternal to start with though and I doubt she'd have had children had she not got accidentally pregnant with her husband. Another person I know is an only child herself, when I got pregnant with our second quite soon after our first she told us she didn't think they'd have another, they love having 1 and she had a very happy childhood as an only. Then there are a couple of other people who I know who struggled to conceive and have just 1, they'd love another, but don't want ivf. Another friend had ivf and would have to pay to have more ivf, they can't afford it.

I'd never assume the reason for 1 was "never again", it might be partly to do with my age as I creep into my late 30s you realise having 1 isn't always a choice the person has made for themselves.

I think some people say some version of "never again" (or, more tactfully, "I wouldn't be good at coping with more than one child") because they are being tactful--they basically prefer life with one child (and why not? It's fine to have a preference for an only child!), but don't want to come across as acting as though they feel their choice is better or that they pity those with more than one child.

Yep. Motherhood has been a piece of piss so far. Breastfed perfectly, slept through (literally) from birth, happy child, good looking child, extended breastfeeding too.

I don't mention babies/ when are they coming/ planned etc. To anyone. I think it is beyond rude to bring up unless someone chooses to talk about it. Who knows what a persons situation is. They could have taken years and all savings to have that one child. Maybe they have had 6 miscarriage or are infertile.

My mother is forever speculating on who what where and when about other people's reproductive habits and i hate it. Both me and my sister have had issues around this and still she dosent get it. 🙄

If in all truth some folk make the decision to stick at one to “quit while they’re ahead” for the reasons the OP gives above they TOO are completely legit.

As I said above, I don’t get why in this day and age anyone would look at a one child family and make any assumption - i literally don’t get it any more than I’d get anyone making an assumption about a two child family.

With respect OP; ignore anyone who questions your choices as basically it’s quite frankly nobody’s business plus the world is full of presumptuous knobs you can never escape.

Rise above.

I have only 1 child because having had one I didn't feel the urge to have another. I love my daughter (she is 8 now) and adore being a mum. Having more was financially possible, wouldn't have done my career any real harm and we had both the space and the time. I just didn't want another. We sat down when she was 2 and discussed TTC for the next one and even started tryiing but after a couple of months it dawned on us both that we weren't very enthusiastic and were only doing this because it was "normal" and "what people do". When we were honest we both agreed that we'd rather enjoy the fun of DD and not disrupt our happy balance by throwing a baby into the mix.

DD seems a very happy, sociable and well balanced young lady who has never asked for siblings (and was not at all a fan of her youngest cousin until he could talk and engage on her level). She spends a lot of her free time, holiday time etc.. with her 2 similar aged cousins and we now live next door to them.

I still get people who assume I had no choice and that my DD is somehow disadvantaged by being an only. It used to upset me but these days it washes over me. I made the right choice for me and I believe for DD.

I never think that if I see an only child. If I stopped to wonder about the amount of children someone had I would just think that either all of their kids were unplanned, or they had the amount that they wanted to and that was that. Or maybe fertility issues? I don't know really. Either way I don't judge someone or their kids for it. As long as someone is looking after their children then who really cares how many they have.

My ds is an only for a couple of reasons, main one being we couldn’t afford to have two in childcare, afford holidays etc, he currently can go to after school clubs etc and we can afford It. Secondly I was a bit never again he was a terrible sleeper, cried a lot and was ill a lot with breathing issues, frankly the first year was hellish and I couldn’t do it again. I love our little family, he gets lots of attention is thriving at school, has lots of friends and is a good sharer. We definitely made the right decision

Well the few I know that have 1 were older first time mums both in 40's with several miscarriages/still birth. I'd assume they don't want to put themselves through that again or feel too old to be having another.

Other than that might assume they are happy with one or have struggled and don't want to go through the baby/toddler stage again. Struggled to conceive again. There could be many reasons so I wldnt think about it too much.

I would assume that your family was happy, healthy and complete unless you told me otherwise

People judge no matter what you do. And some of those people are daft enough to share their thoughts.

We only have one child, and are not planning anymore. I couldn’t give a flying fuck what anyone thinks about that (either their thoughts as to why we are only having one, or their opinion on that decision)
Through experience I know that you don’t know the intricacies of anyone else’s life; and it’s no one else’s business

I don't tend to think anything you can't always tell the are an only child, depending on their age, they could have an older sibling at school, or at home sick, there could be a big age gap between them, there could be a younger sibling at home with a dad or grandparents.
If someone said to me they were only having one, I would feel a little bit sorry for the child, but that is because even though I had a sibling they were quite a bit older, disabled and went to a specialist school, so I was brought up an only child and hated it, although I know some people who loved being an only child and some who hated having siblings, so it would only be a fleeting feeling, but it would be there none the less.

XiCi It never occurred to me that there would be a load of smug people looking at me thinking with faux pity that I had fertility problems
This level of defensiveness is exactly why a lot of people think that plenty of others don’t actively choose to only have one child. If you were content with your choices, it would be water off a duck’s back, and you could bask in your own smugness at having exactly what you want. It just doesn’t sound like you are content though.

I don't think anything. Nearly half the children in my DD's class are only children, so it's not exactly a rare phenomenon.

Personally, I only ever imagined having one child and I haven't changed my mind.

I really think many people plan their families as a reaction to their own childhood experience. If you were lonely being an only child, you might plan to have three. If you hated being one of four and never felt anyone listened to you, you might have one. I am the first, my husband the second. I’d have had four if I could, I really wanted them to have the noisy busy childhood I so envied in my calm, quiet, house. My husband can’t rhink of anything nicer than being an only child and having the full attention of the parents. We compromised.

I am the same as MarthasGinYard but with dreadful (couldn’t work or care for myself) hyperemesis all the way through pregnancy.

I can’t say I ever think about others child bearing decisions and find it hard to believe that others spend a lot of time doing that.

I had the decision taken away from me - xh said one and one only, there would be no such thing as a ‘happy’ accident and I would ‘expected to do the correct thing’. When people commented ‘when are you going to have another?’ It ground and grated on me as I wasn’t allowed to say why - he would answer.
After he left (and went on to have another child) I did worry about her being an only and other people’s commenting on my situation I found rude and unhelpful.
Dd is now a happy, balanced young lady who has (she maintains!) great memories of her childhood as I had time to spend with her and we did loads of things together (mainly cheap as money was tight!).
It also meant that she values good friendships and has a close group of people around her. She also finds it easy to mix with people of all ages as that has been her normal whereas those with siblings have found it a life skill that has been developed later on as they were expected to go off and play with the sibling(s).
It’s swings and roundabouts though - by growing up with one ‘normal ‘ she has missed out on another, but she maintains that she is happy with the way her life has been (and on having a sibling later on has decided she will not be having children until later on in life!)

The only people I know who only have 1 struggled with a difficult baby and / or postnatal depression.

I used to think it was fertility issues. Now after having a baby I see how nice it is to have one and like you, how lucky I have been. Much more manageable, no constant sibling squabbles.

In the politest way possible, I really don’t care. Your life, your body, your babies and so on. If you were my friend I would want to know you were well, and you were happy!
Your uterus ain’t my business