Does having one DC make people assume 'never again!'?

[MidwifeyForLifey]

I've been told twice now, by different people, that because I'm choosing to keep my son as an only child, it looks like I thought 'never again'.

What do you subconsciously think when you know/see someone with an only child?

I have thought about it some more, and before having my current DC, I remember sometimes thinking why there wasn't more than one when seeing an only child, and that child didn't have any siblings.

For me, it's because my DC is so bloody fantastic that I won't risk having another one because I know I won't get so lucky again Not prepared to risk it. Love having kids 1. And I loved being a singleton for 11+ years.

I don't think 'never again' I think 'fuck no, no no.....birth shit, child so bloody lively and gobby i'm not sure I'd cope with 2 like him'

You’re surprised by someone wanting more than one child? Do you mean that you can’t think of any reason why a couple would want any more than one?

I have enough imagination to grasp that Different People Do Things Differently, if that's what you mean, but in the spirit of the odd, slightly Gothic speculation that underpins some posts on this thread which see only children as an odd decision (assumptions about only children being the result of horrible childhoods, dysfunctional sibling relationships, secondary infertility, awful birth experiences etc etc) I could easily say that yes, I find the decision to have subsequent children equally 'strange'.

BeGood

Great post

If I assumed anything it might be that you want an easy life!

Funnily this is what I think when I see people had a bad time as an only. I often see them complaining that they had no-one to play with etc and in my opinion that is just bad parenting as a parent of an only should in the vast majority of cases be working hard to encourage their child's social life and ensure that they have plenty of opportunities for play with others.

This was not an issue most of the time for my Mum (she was at boarding school) but she said Christmas was always very quiet, her parents probably wanted a quiet Christmas with just their own nuclear family though since she was at school most of the time. It was as an adult that she really felt the responsibility of making the right decisions for her parents once they could no longer look after themselves, she had no-one to share that responsibility with. And then no-one to mourn with her as well when they died.

My best friend’s daughter is an only because she and her husband have decided the state of their finances means they could give one kid a really great life with lots of opportunities, whilst they’d be stretching themselves - and creating stress - with two.

^ this is us, we could technically afford a 2nd but we’d likely have to claim tax credits for the next 16 years, limit our days out and holidays and it doesn’t seem fair to our existing child to do that, we’ve gone to great effort to make sure she has lots of friends and isn’t lonely.

I would assume it wasn't through choice. My Mum hated being an only (as a child and still as an adult) so much that she had a big family herself. Having seen how she struggled with being an only I can't imagine anyone choosing that option for their own child.

What a ridiculous statement. You could say that about people who hate having siblings. One anecdotal observation doesn’t make an insight.

A quarter of families now have only one child and it’s growing substantially so it’s hardly an abnormal state!

I did say never again!
I had a mc, lap and dye for endometriosis, clomid, tfmr, ICSI, pelvic girdle pain, bleeding from 6 weeks to term, placenta praevia, a valsalva retinopathy from 3rd trimester vomiting and an EMCS (this was the nicest bit).
Once born DS has been utterly delightful, he sleeps (and did from birth), he’s loving, imaginative and clever.
I said never again about getting, staying and being pregnant which was all utterly hideous. I would do it all over again to get him but now I have him I’m done.

I wouldn’t ask anyone about their decisions re number of children because it varies so much and for some can be a forced choice: E.g if due to fertility, horrific birth or PND I wouldn’t want to bring it up. I do have some friends who have been open about making an active choice to have one so they can give them more. That is quite a different conversation.

Also to put a halt to some of the stupid comments on here there is an extensive body of research and literature that debunks the ‘lonely’ only child theory. As both children and grown adults, onlies demonstrate absolutely no significant difference in how lonely they feel. These results are from meta studies - so those that examine hundreds of individual studies.

These studies also however show that they are more likely to be successful and confident than those with siblings!

If I assumed anything it might be that you want an easy life! Well in my case you'd be right, 1 is so easy compared to 2+ and I didn't want to give up my entire life to motherhood. Plus the one I've got is a particularly easy child to parent, doubt I'd have got 2 like that . Also much more affordable than numerous children, he just wouldn't have the opportunities he has if he had siblings, not just because of financials but logistics, his best friend is 1 of 3 and gets dragged all over because of his older sibling's sport, neither him nor his younger sibling get to have their own interests as there's no time. Well he does get to have one but that's because I take him.

Seriously. Some of the perceptions about only children are so strange!

I know I can only speak from my own experience, but growing up as an only was not lonely in the slightest! I had loads of friends and activities, but I also found (and still have) enormous joy in being on my own. I didn't have anyone to entertain me constantly, so I had to find my own stuff to do sometimes, and as a result, I can honestly say I don't really know what 'bored' feels like...I have always been able to entertain myself.

The only negative effect it's had on me is that I don't share chocolate Never had to, never want to lol!

I'm an only and loved it.

My ds is an only because we found it hard work with no family support and he seems very happy. I was never lonely so I know he won't be. He has loads of friends and I make extra effort with play dates.

He is 6 now and we are very happy all round

No fertility issues as far as I'm aware but guess I'll never know!

Lonely child may struggle to share. Spoilt brat. Thats more based on a friends child.

"I do think it’s a shame for the child"

Not according to DS1, who would have been more than happy as an only. As would DS2 lol

"I'd assume there were Fertility issues"

What an odd ball comment.

Not every women wants 10 kids. Plenty are more than happy with the one.
I said more or less from the moment dd was born. I don't want anymore kids. I thought i might have changed my mind, but I never did. DD is 19 so FX I'll have GCs to look farward to in the not so distant future. Plus I have 2 nephews who keep me on my toes.

I don’t understand people saying that having more money and resources is better for an only child - I don’t agree. Do you really think having clubs every day after school, lots of activities is better for a child then having the benefit of a loving sibling relationship?

Lonely child may struggle to share. Spoilt brat. Thats more based on a friends child.

So your sample size for this hoary old truism is a grand total of -- one?

What if they have a horrible sibling relationship?

By the way, it’s easy for you to have one, harder for your child as they have so much responsibility for you when they get older!

I genuinely think that bad sibling relationships are the result of parenting. We constantly work to encourage nurturing between our kids, never let anyone be left out, always point out to them that a sibling is your closest friend in life - the person you will know for longer than you ever know anybody.

For me I will be sticking with one because 'never again', but that's in relation to a horrible pregnancy and traumatic labour.

Oh and I didn't have a child so they can care for me in my old age, that's what savings and care facilities are for.

We constantly work to encourage nurturing between our kids, never let anyone be left out, always point out to them that a sibling is your closest friend in life - the person you will know for longer than you ever know anybody.

Lovely, only you aren't living inside a Hallmark card. Your friends are people you choose, not the people your parents tell you you're supposed to be friends with.

By the way, it’s easy for you to have one, harder for your child as they have so much responsibility for you when they get older!

I have a sibling, he couldn't give a shit about our parents and will not be involved in their care in any way, a sibling doesn't guarantee shared responsibility.