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Original poster

Does having one DC make people assume 'never again!'?

212 replies

MidwifeyForLifey · 12/03/2019 16:20

I've been told twice now, by different people, that because I'm choosing to keep my son as an only child, it looks like I thought 'never again'.

What do you subconsciously think when you know/see someone with an only child?

I have thought about it some more, and before having my current DC, I remember sometimes thinking why there wasn't more than one when seeing an only child, and that child didn't have any siblings.

For me, it's because my DC is so bloody fantastic that I won't risk having another one because I know I won't get so lucky again Grin Not prepared to risk it. Love having kids 1. And I loved being a singleton for 11+ years.

OP posts:
Buddytheelf85 · 12/03/2019 17:34

I just don’t think about the reasons strangers might have.

I’m an only because my mum had a placental abruption at 34 weeks and was told she would need to spend any subsequent pregnancy on bed rest with her third trimester admitted to hospital. Unsurprisingly she was not up for that.

My best friend’s daughter is an only because she and her husband have decided the state of their finances means they could give one kid a really great life with lots of opportunities, whilst they’d be stretching themselves - and creating stress - with two.

My nephew is an only because they had him when they were 40 and they feel they don’t want to be 60+ when their kids go to uni. Plus his mum (my SIL) had a tough birth.

One of my colleagues has an only because she says she and her DH are happy with one and their daughter is happy as one. In other words they just don’t want another one.

Diverse range of reasons just among my friends and family. All entirely valid.

MeredithGrey1 · 12/03/2019 17:35

My mum is of the bizarre opinion that parents with only 2 children, only had the second one so that the first one didn’t look like an accident Hmm so I think however many you have there will be certain people who make any number of different judgements about it. Thankfully I think most people aren’t really interested enough in other people’s families to have any thoughts about it all.
(My mum also thinks that having just one child is the “closest thing to legal child abuse” so there really is no accounting for all the crazy things people may think.)

ColeHawlins · 12/03/2019 17:36

My mum is of the bizarre opinion that parents with only 2 children, only had the second one so that the first one didn’t look like an accident

GrinConfusedGrin

She needs to be locked in a room with my mum.

SparkiePolastri · 12/03/2019 17:37

Having one child is a personal calculated decision for most.

I don't think you can say it's a calculated decision for most, any more than people can make assumptions as to why people only have one.

We know for a fact that many people only have one for a specific reason, that is sometimes out of their hands, so saying it's a 'calculated decision for most' is just as much of a guess.

HeritageCarrot · 12/03/2019 17:37

I’d not think anythIng because there’s many reasons why people have one child. The important thing and the only one that matters is that you do what’s right for you. Whatever others choose to think is not your concern. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong in feeling ‘never again ‘. It’s a perfectly ok choice.

LuckyLou7 · 12/03/2019 17:38

It would never occur to me to ask someone why they only had one child, let alone speculate on the reason for not having any more children. What works for one person doesn't necessarily work for another.

I don't like the implication that those of us with more than one child have less than fantastic children though, or that our children lack attention because they have siblings.

RDMummy · 12/03/2019 17:41

We have an only by choice. We just feel complete. I have had people who tell me they don't agree with our choice, but what business it is of theirs I'm not sure and I don't give a monkeys about their opinions. I have friends who are onlies and hated it, and others who have had onlies themselves because they loved it and want the same for their child. Also friends who get on great with siblings and others who can't stand the sight of each other. There is no right and wrong here. My DD knows that all families are different, and that's ok.

HoldMyGirl · 12/03/2019 17:43

I try not to make assumptions, but privately I do. I can't help it. Obviously I'd never be rude enough to ask

I have 3 and the idea of not wanting more than 1 is or was just so alien to me. I was obsessed with giving mine siblings and for myself to be pregnant again.

Of course I understand that other mums feel differently, but I still wonder why that would be.

JamPasty · 12/03/2019 17:43

Why the bloody hell do people almost always assume people only have one child because something prevented them having more? Maybe they just decided that they preferred to have only one! As an only child who is quite happy being an only, some of the attitudes on this thread are insulting. It's not a shame to be an only.

WeeBean · 12/03/2019 17:44

Would never give it a thought to be honest!

I'm 25 weeks pregnant now and this will be our only one. I'd have loved 2/3 but this pregnancy has been horrible with HG and back/hip pain among other things and I've really struggled physically and mentally. I won't be putting myself through it again and if people ask why we've stopped at one I'll happily tell them exactly why!

That's not to say we may not adopt or foster in the future but I will 100% not be getting pregnant again.

WendyCope · 12/03/2019 17:48

JamPasty Bravo!

SuziQ10 · 12/03/2019 17:49

I (irrationally) assume they may be unable to have another, if the child is older.

My dd is 4.5 and it's taken us this long to decide if we want another / can afford another. We have been ttc for a few months now, very much hoping we'll be successful.

I'd never judge anyone for having only 1, why would I. But I feel sorry for the child, as I am an 'only child' and it's a bit shit in some ways, however many cousins and family friends were around growing up - it is not the same.

WendyCope · 12/03/2019 17:52

You feel sorry for the child?

Why? How odd.

icannotremember · 12/03/2019 17:52

I don't think anything. I know lots of people with one child, and those who have shared their reasons with me have all given different ones.

I have 3 boys. Quite a lot of people have said "oh, you kept trying for a girl then?" No, we didn't. I don't assume anything about people's family sizes and wish people didn't make assumptions about mine.

Thurmanmurman · 12/03/2019 17:52

I wouldn’t think anything because I couldn’t care less how many children other people have.

XiCi · 12/03/2019 17:52

God this thread is an eye opener. For a lot of reasons (none of them related to fertility) we only wanted one child and have a lovely dd. It never occurred to me that there would be a load of smug people looking at me thinking with faux pity that I had fertility problems. Find it really creepy actually, who the fuck thinks like that? One children families are pretty much the norm in my circle, have never pondered on why though, just like I don't give a shit if someone else has 2, 3, 4 or 10!

OneStepSideways · 12/03/2019 17:56

When the child gets to about 6 and is still an only child, I start to wonder if they decided not to have another or if they couldn't. I know lots of people who wait 3-4 years before TTC, either because the first is difficult/doesn't sleep well or because they wait until they get the 3-year funding or school. Many people can't afford to have 2 in nursery and don't want to give up on their career.

WorraLiberty · 12/03/2019 17:58

I really wouldn't think anything tbh.

But of the few people I know who have only one child, 3 had secondary fertility issues and 2 were massively career driven and didn't want any more due to that.

Interestingly, all 5 went on to have more than 1 child themselves.

JamPasty · 12/03/2019 18:06

But I feel sorry for the child - please don't as many onlys, like me, are quite happy to be onlys.

Treacletoots · 12/03/2019 18:08

I always assumed that I would have 2 or 3 but after having DD the reality of having children made me change my mind rather quickly!

She's quite honestly a very good child, but the sleepless first year, constant illness starting nursery, childcare costs, we couldn't afford a bigger house where we live, career compromise and so on added to the fact I didnt have the best pregnancy, got lucky with a trouble free elective section I don't think I want to risk it all again and I dont think we could improve upon DD, she's awesome.

Secretdebt · 12/03/2019 18:10

For those that want an only because they have bad relationships with their siblings I'd assume that was at least partly because of your parents poor parenting skills and so being an only wouldn't necessarily solve your family issues.

Funnily this is what I think when I see people had a bad time as an only. I often see them complaining that they had no-one to play with etc and in my opinion that is just bad parenting as a parent of an only should in the vast majority of cases be working hard to encourage their child's social life and ensure that they have plenty of opportunities for play with others.

newroundhere · 12/03/2019 18:12

My daughter is an only child and I get asked all the time if we're going to have another one.

So what though? People ask if you're having more if you have 2 kids aswell, it's just conversation. Why do people get so sensitive about this shit.

Because if you say no, people try to persuade you otherwise. Honestly - it's happened to me a few times and DS is only 2.5. And because I'm much too British to tell them to fuck off I have to justify myself and end up feeling guilty that I'm not going to give my DS a sibling, even though that's the right decision for me and my family.

Imustbemad00 · 12/03/2019 18:12

Why would it be a shame for the child? I’m an only child and I’ve never really thought of it as a negative. You don’t miss what you’ve never had.

I split up with my partner. So my child was an only child. That could be a reason. In my case I actually met someone else and had another child. I’m now a single parent again.

My children can’t stand each other and my eldest would genuinely of been happier staying an only child. I actually feel really guilty about it. Mainly feel guilty about my eldest resenting me for my decision. But also feel sorry for my youngest who is despised by his sister. There’s love there. But they definetly would both be better off without each other.

Secretdebt · 12/03/2019 18:12

I also find that if people had a rubbish childhood and were an only they often pin the reason for their childhood being rubbish on that but if you drill down it turns out that their parents were just a bit pants or there were factors that just couldn't be helped and would have been shit with or without siblings.

Haworthia · 12/03/2019 18:13

I might wonder if you decided “never again”, but it would come from a place of sympathy because I know how bloody hard some children can be.

DC1 was really difficult. I definitely had PND which didn’t help my resilience, but as she could start a fight in an empty room. At ten months we were housebound because she wouldn’t tolerate a trip in the buggy without screaming bloody murder. At two it was tantrum city. At three it wasn’t much better. At four she became a lot more reasonable Smile

We decided to try for a second, because “surely it couldn’t be as hard as DC1?”. He was worse.

So I can definitely understand why people stop at one!

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