Does having one DC make people assume 'never again!'?

[MidwifeyForLifey]

I've been told twice now, by different people, that because I'm choosing to keep my son as an only child, it looks like I thought 'never again'.

What do you subconsciously think when you know/see someone with an only child?

I have thought about it some more, and before having my current DC, I remember sometimes thinking why there wasn't more than one when seeing an only child, and that child didn't have any siblings.

For me, it's because my DC is so bloody fantastic that I won't risk having another one because I know I won't get so lucky again Not prepared to risk it. Love having kids 1. And I loved being a singleton for 11+ years.

No I meant why does it matter to you that other people look at you and your one child and think “oh she must have decided never again”?

A good question. I'm not sure really. It doesn't 'piss me off' by any means. In fact, they're very right. Those are my exact thoughts and reasoning, and I'm the first to say never again to anyone.

I don't particularly like being a parent to be honest, it's nice but slots in perfectly with husband, house, work and fun. Any more DC would disrupt that balance. Something I can't think of as a positive. I'd rather stab pins in my knees

Ignore those two ppl in your OP. I know so many ppl with just one kid and those I know the "reasons" for are so varied I would never assume one reason or another! And the reason can be you just feel your family is complete with one child!

I'm a little like you Op

Baby Dd was such a dream

Lovely planned CS, perfect recovery
Slept like a dream.

Terrified a #2 might be hideous

People who think it’s a shame have clearly not had to go through the emotional turmoil of growing up with dangerous, damaging siblings. I’d kill to have been an only child and not had my brother ever exist.

My childminder was surprised when I announced I was pregnant with DC2. She said she had thought we had decided only to have one. She was 3.4 when he was born!

No assumptions, too many possibilities to ponder , so I don’t .

'I assume that there are fertility issues that are preventing them from having another.'

Wow, really?

Yes..... that would just be my first thought. My second one would probably be that they knew life would be easier if they stuck with one

Me and DH often daydream about how much simpler life would be if we had stopped after DS1

I'd assume the opposite actually. That they were so happily complete with 1, they didn't feel the need to have anymore. This is probably because it's how I felt after having an only child for 5 years. I did have 2, but would have been happy with 1. 2nd wasn't planned.

My daughter is an only child and I get asked all the time if we're going to have another one. It's crazy, I don't know why there is an assumption that people should have more than one child.
Many factors go into deciding if you would like another child and none of those are anyone's business but your own.
My DD benefits from our full attention and can have the best of what we can offer without diluting this with siblings and conflicting demands.
She is in no way spoilt, lonely or a devil child!

Jenniferyellowcat that’s surprisingly stupid and a bit insensitive for someone whose job is working with families. I don’t honestly think there’s any other appropriate response than ‘congrats!’ when you have no idea whether the other person has been feeling awful trying to and unable to conceive the whole time, miscarrying, unable to afford another child etc. How ridiculous to assume a three year age gap means you’ve definitely completed your family :/

I was an only child and hated it....I remember asking for a sibling alot! Anyways we have it the other way, 'so was 3 a suprise?' and people seem genuinely shocked we planned 3 under 5

I have one 20month old DD and I’m a firm “never again”, (so is DH) but it doesn’t make me think at all that that is why another person stopped at 1dc. I wish I didn’t feel like this, I’d have loved 2 but absolutely not now.

It depends for me. If I know the people and I know they wanted more than one than I tend to think fertility issues. Otherwise I tend to just assume people are happy with having 'just the one' and think no more of it.

I never said never again. It just didnt happen. Medical problems stemming back to when i was 11, i was damn lucky to have ds. He is my everything and i thank the gods every day I have him. I still get the simpathetic head turn when people ask if he's my only one. But I dont care. One is fun. Less expensive and we have a close bond noone can break. Dont get me wrong, i ached for other children, but seeing as i was unlikely to even have one I learnt that life deals you what your meant to deal with. I had plenty of time to come to terms with never having any. So never again is such a general assumption that People who say this obviously never had problems conceiving in the first place.

I have one. I didn't have another because when I had the first I realized that I didn't want to have any more with my DH

My first thought would be perhaps fertility problems which is why I would never ask, then, knowing the people I know, that they were very happy with one child and wanted to be able to give that child as much as they could (attention, education etc).

Actually the single children I know are so lovely that the 'never again' thought absolutely wouldn't have crossed my mind.

I tend to wonder if they had problems conceiving another- but that's from my own baggage as I'm an older mother, have conceived one and had a couple of miscarriages and would love another.

i wouldnt think anything to be honest but, if forced to guess why i would assume you could only have one. I wouldnt assume it was a choice.

I know people who were forced to stop at 2 or 3 children due to fertility issues so it's stupid thinking those stopping at 1 are always doing it for that reason.

Wow this threads depressing.

I had one because I wanted one.
No sinister reasons or underlying causes.
After having one I was set.
Why is an only child such an issue for some people. Children are just children and it’s irrelevant if they have no siblings or 5.

I wouldn’t automatically assume anything.

Out of the people I know with only children who’ve spoken about their reasons for stopping at one, there’s a wide variety of reasons.

I do know a few people who’ve said “never again” because they feel their child is very demanding.
But among other reasons people have mentioned there’s fertility problems. Other health problems. Financial reasons. Being so happy with their PFB that they can’t imagine wanting another child. They’d never meant to have any at all and the only child was an accident. Relationship problems.

Too many reasons to really make an assumption about which one applies, and only children aren’t exactly uncommon. About a third of the kids in DC1’s class are only children.

I don't particularly like being a parent to be honest, it's nice but slots in perfectly with husband, house, work and fun. Any more DC would disrupt that balance. Something I can't think of as a positive. I'd rather stab pins in my knees

There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. Quite frankly, women are judged regardless of how many DC they have.

No DC - Child-hater. Immature.
1 DC - Why isn't she having any more?
2 DC - Do you think you'll have another?
3+DC - Were they planned? Who's paying for all these children?

Whatever a woman does in life, someone will have an opinion on it.

I was/am a young mum so I always people forget fertility and assume 'ohh never again!' Even more so when it's a younger couple.

Although young people can have fertility issues too.

Of the people with only children I know, who have discussed having an only, reasons include; finances, fertility struggles, being widowed, and - yes - several cases of bad births or traumatic first years.

So, it does seem as though parents often have a definite "reason" to stick with one, but the reasons vary so much, that I don't think anyone could reasonably assume anything.

Not my business but if I had to think about it I'd assume the mother had had a tough time at the birth and wasn't up for a repeat, mentally or physically, or that economics were at play. Either way, I've never thought anyone really judged that sort of thing. I'd be more likely to raise an eyebrow over more than four DCs.