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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP and I applying for same job

301 replies

MangoBananaSleep · 11/03/2019 07:07

I work with my DP. We have been together for about five years.

I have always made it clear that I would love to progress in our organisation. He has always maintained that he has had management experience and didn’t enjoy it.

There will be an opportunity in our company soon to apply for a manerial role. It is the perfect job for me and one (without sounding big headed, I think I could do well).

I was talking about it with DP and he firstly said that he would apply but if he got it would decline it so that they offered it to me. Then, when he found out the pay increase, he said he was definitely going to apply.

The thing is, I don’t have the direct management experience that he gained ten years ago. So, in all likelihood he will get the job ahead of me.

I can’t help feeling upset that, despite appearing to suppprt me when the job was theoretical and maintaining that it didn’t interest him, he is now willing to compete with me for it. I suppose this is one of the downsides of dating in the workplace.

Am I being over dramatic? I don’t think I would be so upset if he’d maintained all along that this was something he was interested in.

OP posts:
RickOShay · 11/03/2019 07:09

I really really hope you get it Grin
Yanbu.

TheoriginalLEM · 11/03/2019 07:10

Bin him off. Get the job then sack him!

Decormad38 · 11/03/2019 07:11

What kind of dh competes for the same job? This would really wind me up.

Coulddowithanap · 11/03/2019 07:11

He might not get offered the job anyway!

IceRebel · 11/03/2019 07:13

if he got it would decline it so that they offered it to me.

That's all well and good, but what if they offer it to someone else? I can't see why anyone would go for apply for a job, when they never intend to actually take it.

If he is now determined to apply and take the job, then unfortunately there's nothing you can do. However, I wouldn't be able to forget that he thinks the money is more important than his partner.

HK20 · 11/03/2019 07:14

Surely you'd both benefit from the pay increase anyway so good luck to you both and I'm sure the best person for the job will get it.

Experience isn't always everything, by the way. It may be that you'd be a better fit for the team, have other knowledge he doesn't have etc!

EjectorCrab · 11/03/2019 07:15

You can’t really expect him not to go for it because you want to. There may be other applicants and neither of you get it. Don’t be afraid to go against other people for a position, focus on you and your skills and experience, and not the other applicants.

But... I hope you get it! Best of luck.

MiniCooperLover · 11/03/2019 07:16

Management experience gained 10 years ago does not give him an advantage to you. But also his attitude that he'd get offered it before you is really annoying. You have to go for it but accept this may damage your relationship.

Original poster
MangoBananaSleep · 11/03/2019 07:17

I guess to me it just feels like he doesn’t support my aspirations. We don’t live together or have shared finances so I wouldn’t benefit.

It’s actually shaken my confidence a little bit.

I know there’s nothing I can do and I won’t ask him not to apply, as I don’t want him to resent me for a missed opportunity.

I guess it’s everyone for themselves! May the best person win.

OP posts:
FlibbertigibbetArmadillo · 11/03/2019 07:17

Do you share finances? If it's all family money I can see the benefit in you both applying as you double your chances of more money coming into the house.

EjectorCrab · 11/03/2019 07:17

@Decormad38 you could argue that’s what the OP is doing. The only fair approach is if they both apply surely.
He may not get it. Equally OP may not get it. Ultimately neither of them might get it.

FlibbertigibbetArmadillo · 11/03/2019 07:19

Sorry cross post. As you don't share money, then I think it's a bit mean of him.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 11/03/2019 07:19

I think you should fight it out between you and then only one of you apply. How awkward for the interviewer having to choose between you! Not sure it looks very professional.

Unless you can both maintain your professional mien and tell co-workers that you absolutely don’t care who gets it, and you’ll both work well whichever way it goes.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 11/03/2019 07:19

Presumably though, it’s not just the two of you eligible to apply? I think it’s reasonable for him to apply for it.

starryeyed19 · 11/03/2019 07:19

It sounds like he only got interested when he heard about the pay increase. Whether that's because he wants more money or more money than YOU, I have no idea.

Whatsername7 · 11/03/2019 07:23

Id be annoyed to. It is like a toddler with a toy - they only want it if someone else is playing with it.

Original poster
MangoBananaSleep · 11/03/2019 07:23

@Ejectorcrab (great name!) I get that, I really do. I think it’s just a bit of a shock that he now wants to apply despite maintaining for years that he is not interested.

OP posts:
user1471426142 · 11/03/2019 07:27

Would one of you be managing the other? If so, that is likely to be a major problem anyway.

The only thing you can do is hold your head high and try and your best. I’ve seen some horrid promotion exercises (large organisation) where close friends and partners were competing against each other. Having gone through it myself, it is very dificult even with friends. With a partner, it will be even harder to maintain a sense of composure and for the ‘loser’ to not be bitter.

crisscrosscranky · 11/03/2019 07:30

It's fair he's applying just as it's fair you're applying. I don't think management experience that long ago will give him an advantage.

Prepare well, give it your best and if you don't get it look at jobs elsewhere (working with a long term partner is rarely a good idea!)

GeorgeTheBleeder · 11/03/2019 07:31

And this is one reason why convention abhors workplace relationships.

Surely, if you are both working at the same level/grade it was always inevitable that at some stage one of you would be promoted above the other?

And it was rather unwise to discuss your job aspirations with another employee. Lesson learnt? In future it might be better to maintain a complete separation between your personal and working life. Because it's quite distressing to read that you're already mentally hobbling your own chances because of a man.

EjectorCrab · 11/03/2019 07:31

I know OP. The key thing is, focus on yourself. You can do this. You deserve this job. You’d be better at this job than him because... Prepare for the application and interview by focusing entirely on you. Do not let his attitude, or your feelings on his skills and experience knock your confidence. You can get this job. You deserve this job.

He may even be trying to knock your confidence on purpose (in which case he’s an arse). Don’t let him. Focus on you.

adaline · 11/03/2019 07:32

How is it going to work if one of you gets it? Will you be the other ones "boss" or is it a managerial role in a different department meaning you won't really interact?

Just something worth thinking about in the long run. Managing your partner at work can't be a particularly fun or easy thing to have to do!

But if you want the job, go for it. There's no guarantee he'll get it over you, or that either of you will get it at all!

PineapplePower · 11/03/2019 07:32

This is unfortunate, and I feel for you. But in the workplace, it should be the best person for the job, and you’ll need to compete with him to get it. Prepare accordingly.

I expect that if you get it over him, he’ll likely be an arse about it (I know I would Blush)

NopeNi · 11/03/2019 07:32

He sounds like an arse.

Frouby · 11/03/2019 07:35

I don't understand why you are upset about it tbh. It's irrelevant why he wants to apply, or that you are in a relationship. Just apply, don't discuss your application or interview and be gracious if you get it and gracious if you don't.

If either of you gets it then the other should congratulate and support the other. It's a non issue really.

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