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Original poster

DP and I applying for same job

301 replies

MangoBananaSleep · 11/03/2019 07:07

I work with my DP. We have been together for about five years.

I have always made it clear that I would love to progress in our organisation. He has always maintained that he has had management experience and didn’t enjoy it.

There will be an opportunity in our company soon to apply for a manerial role. It is the perfect job for me and one (without sounding big headed, I think I could do well).

I was talking about it with DP and he firstly said that he would apply but if he got it would decline it so that they offered it to me. Then, when he found out the pay increase, he said he was definitely going to apply.

The thing is, I don’t have the direct management experience that he gained ten years ago. So, in all likelihood he will get the job ahead of me.

I can’t help feeling upset that, despite appearing to suppprt me when the job was theoretical and maintaining that it didn’t interest him, he is now willing to compete with me for it. I suppose this is one of the downsides of dating in the workplace.

Am I being over dramatic? I don’t think I would be so upset if he’d maintained all along that this was something he was interested in.

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 11/03/2019 20:34

He doesn't like the idea of you being more senior than him.

At the moment he's been nominally more senior than you because he 'used to be management'. He's saying 'he'd turn the job down if he got offered it' because he doesn't really want to do it, but wants to be able to say that he was better qualified for the post and it's his choice that you're now at a higher level than him. But of course he could be in that job if he'd wanted to be...

Bellendejour · 11/03/2019 23:49

The thing is, with the pay increase, you both stand to benefit whoever gets it (assuming it’s one of you). I understand that this is frustrating for you but if he didn’t go for it and you didn’t get it either, isn’t that a worse outcome? If he does get it, could you use the extra income in a way that enhances your career? Equally, I bloody hope you get it. Managerial experience isn’t everything, if you’ve got good ideas about how to manage/make change to improve the company.

Bellendejour · 11/03/2019 23:51

I do think it’s quite wankerish of him to say he’d ‘turn it down’ so you could have it. I mean it’s so presumptuous and patronising. Can you harness that to motivate yourself to blow him out of the water? Would be so satisfying Smile

Reallyevilmuffin · 11/03/2019 23:54

From a male perspective, to me it sounds like he does really want the job and always had. The impression he is trying to put over is that it is no big deal in case he fails, as he doesn't want to appear to not managed something he really wants. I don't think this is anything to do with you at all OP

Reallyevilmuffin · 11/03/2019 23:54

As in the reason why applying, not that you should be miffed

Bellendejour · 11/03/2019 23:59

Oh wait do you not live together? How committed is your rship?

This is less of a good either way thing in that case.

So you must get it! Can we stop talking about your Dick Partner (DP) and start strategising/sharing tactics? Grin

Fr3d · 12/03/2019 00:03

Ermm...so weird. Even if he was offered the job and declined it, he would have NO say in who they offered it to next!

Shut him out, go for it yourself and ignore him. Attitude is so important, along with preparation etc. Good luck Wink

Tweety1981 · 12/03/2019 00:03

Go for it . May the best person win . It could be neither of you ,, or they could offer you both a job share !

k1233 · 12/03/2019 00:06

I wouldn't mention the position again. If he asks if you applied for it just be meh, I'll see if I get the time.

Do not limit your career for him just to keep him happy. If you are keen on the role, apply and do your best. If he applies it's no different to other people applying. Applications should be assessed on merit and there's always going to be people with different experience to you who recruiters may feel are better suited to the role.

All said by me who is currently extremely upset I didn't get a role I would be extremely good in. My upset is compounded because I don't believe I have received genuine feedback. I've asked for examples of what the one thing I apparently didn't demonstrate would be and no one can tell me. I'm recognised as extremely competent where I work, so a lot of people are shocked by the decision (including some senior people who I don't work for). Anyway, I've got to suck it up and get over it.

Workingmum34 · 12/03/2019 17:31

My husband and I went for the same role in a different bank in a managerial role. At the time we both worked together, I was part time though as the kids were small, but had different experience. But was looking for full time in that type of post. He the decided to go for it as well. Both got invited for interview but chatted about how it was who was best suited for the post before hand in the car.

I got it in the end and he was really supportive. MIL was less so!

whodidapoopoointhebath · 12/03/2019 17:36

I think you should definitely go for it, I can see why you are a bit upset, will make it even more satisfying when you get it.

My fiancé and I met at work and were in a similar position when we met although I was confirmed in my role and he was acting up. I’m now two grades higher and he is super supportive.

Grumpelstilskin · 12/03/2019 17:42

He sounds like a total shitgibbon! Fingers crossed you get the job.

WarpedGalaxy · 12/03/2019 17:46

He comes across as an arrogant and condescending dick tbh. Saying he'd apply and then decline the role and graciously open the way for you? WTF? He'd have got the 'it's not me it's you' speech, oh, about 30 seconds after saying something like that to me.

OP, fuck him, you do what's best for you. Just apply, if his last managerial experience was 10 years ago it may no longer be relevant or applicable and he mght be in for a shock if they're looking for someone with fresh, unpreconceived ideas about the role. Don't let him play mindgames with your confidence either. You believe you can do this role - go for it.

7Pip · 12/03/2019 17:49

Any reason why you don't live together after 5 years?

MiddleClassProblem · 12/03/2019 17:54

Where does it say they’ve been together 5years? I must have missed it...

UnspiritualHome · 12/03/2019 17:56

First line of the OP, MiddleClass

user1474894224 · 12/03/2019 17:59

He doesn't meant the job. However, he will feel emasculated if you get it and are more important than him and earn more than him. Just do your best - apply and perform at interview. Someone who loves you more than anything will be pleased for you if you get offered it. Good luck.

Fabulousinmyforties · 12/03/2019 17:59

Don't let him play mindgames with your confidence either

^Yes!

He sounds like a bit of a shit for doing this to you; if he is/was not that bothered to begin with he should be rooting for you instead.

He doesn't come out of this looking like a loving supportive DP, I would definitely be wary.

needsahouseboy · 12/03/2019 18:00

He had management experience 10 years ago and hasn't progressed in his career since, this will be something that they will look at.

Don't let him dent your confidence, prep like a mad one, look at youtube videos about management and interviewing.
Google questions likely to be asked for your job role.
By the way I think he's being a typical male prick that can't stand the thought of you being better than him. Fucking hate men like that!

Missingstreetlife · 12/03/2019 18:01

Just go for it, you're obvs well qualified. Treat him like other competitors, don't discuss it or help him, get yourself another mentor (your boss perhaps should encourage you)
Don't worry about his aspirations, or attitudeI predict he'll be an arse if you get it, but perhaps he won't, or won't apply, don't let him put you off. Gd luck!.

HappyLife21 · 12/03/2019 18:03

Good luck!

Pickleup · 12/03/2019 18:16

You should go for it of course, but I do worry that if he insists on applying too it might reduce the chances of either of you getting it.

The appointing managers will know that you are together outside work and may well take the view (rightly or wrongly) that it will cause strife if they pick one of you ahead of the other, and decide to play it safe by appointing someone else.

AtrociousCircumstance · 12/03/2019 18:19

Are there any other elements to your relationship that relate to this sense of superiority he seems to have?

As so many PPs have said, he hates the idea you might have seniority over him. Hence the ‘I’d turn it down for you if I got it’ - which translates as ‘if I don’t get it I’m going to pretend I declined it so I can continue to feel superior to you’.

OP stop discussing it with him, and prepare like crazy for this role, and do your utmost to get it. Good luck!

ThreeBagsFullofWool · 12/03/2019 18:22

I dunno about you OP but this would make me not in the mood for any type of sexual activity with him at all. So unsexy. 🤔

BIWI · 12/03/2019 18:23
  1. He's only applying for the salary
  2. His management experience is 10 years old
  3. He's chosen not to take management role since then

If I were interviewing him for this role, numbers 2 & 3 would really count against him. And it would probably be pretty obvious from his attitude and the way he answers the question that he's only applying because of number 1!