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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP and I applying for same job

301 replies

MangoBananaSleep · 11/03/2019 07:07

I work with my DP. We have been together for about five years.

I have always made it clear that I would love to progress in our organisation. He has always maintained that he has had management experience and didn’t enjoy it.

There will be an opportunity in our company soon to apply for a manerial role. It is the perfect job for me and one (without sounding big headed, I think I could do well).

I was talking about it with DP and he firstly said that he would apply but if he got it would decline it so that they offered it to me. Then, when he found out the pay increase, he said he was definitely going to apply.

The thing is, I don’t have the direct management experience that he gained ten years ago. So, in all likelihood he will get the job ahead of me.

I can’t help feeling upset that, despite appearing to suppprt me when the job was theoretical and maintaining that it didn’t interest him, he is now willing to compete with me for it. I suppose this is one of the downsides of dating in the workplace.

Am I being over dramatic? I don’t think I would be so upset if he’d maintained all along that this was something he was interested in.

OP posts:

SapatSea · 11/03/2019 08:12

HIs management experience is from 10 years ago and he may face questions about why he hasn't progressed since or took a more subordinate role for so long, showing a lac of ambition and drive and if he admits he didn't enjoy the management experience then he certainly won't have the edge.

I would just crack on, don't tell him your answers and ideas about likely questions. I hope you get the job but if you don't you've shown management that you are ambitious. I would also start looking around for other opportunities outside the firm, might shake the management up to offer you something or get you away from the new manager

Good luck x

Loopytiles · 11/03/2019 08:15

He’s not your DP, he’s your boyfriend.

His comment assuming he would be offered it over you would really piss me off - disrespectful.

Apply, give the application/CV and interview your best shot - prepare examples of management skills drawing on what you HAVE done, eg “virtual” teams, working well with peers and people at all levels. don’t discuss the matter further with him. Decide what to do about the relationship later.

chocatoo · 11/03/2019 08:16

It's the down side of working in the same place. Unless it's a massive organisation, if you plan to make a future together, I would seriously look at one of you moving companies when you can.

Loopytiles · 11/03/2019 08:16

His experience ten years ago won’t be given much or any weight by the selecting managers.

justmyview · 11/03/2019 08:18

he firstly said that he would apply but if he got it would decline it so that they offered it to me

but surely it's up to the employers who to offer the role to?

I think both of you have the equal right to apply for the job

I agree with a PP that responses might be quite different if you told the story from the other perspective ie I heard of an opportunity, wasn't interested initially, now I am, but my DP thinks I shouldn't apply because he also wants it

HomoHeinekenensis · 11/03/2019 08:22

He's got you in a shitty position. If he got it and took the job it sounds like he would make a bodge of it because he isn't committed to it. If you were offered it he would resent you. If he got it and declined it and you got it he would always hold over you that he was preferred.
Shitty position. Go for the interview. Hope you get it but bin him off anyway. He sounds manipulative, abusive and juvenile quite frankly.

Original poster

MangoBananaSleep · 11/03/2019 08:23

Just to clarify, I have not and would never ask him not to apply.

He still maintains that he doesn’t really want the job but would apply for the salary only.

I appreciate all your views.

OP posts:

HK20 · 11/03/2019 08:25

@Loopytiles why do you get to decide what she refers to her OH as?

MeltingWax · 11/03/2019 08:26

In your position I would throw everything I had into this application. I would also be rethinking my relationship with this man - not because he wants to apply for the job (of course he has the right to do that). But for his smug comments about how if he would get it, he would decline so it could be offered to you. So many assumptions there - presumably there will be others in the field of applicants, not just him and you. What an arse.

Good luck OP.

Ruru8thestars · 11/03/2019 08:26

What a dick! Like hell will he turn it down if offered the job.

GeorgeTheBleeder · 11/03/2019 08:26

Blimmin' 'eck!

Forget what he wants! Or says he wants.

Concentrate on you.

JazzerMcJazzer · 11/03/2019 08:29

Tell him you don’t really want a boyfriend but will keep seeing him for the sex only then.

Talk us through the logic of him saying he would apply but turn it down so you would get it? I can see possibly that he might THINK about doing this without telling you his strategy, but why on earth would he think that this was something you would endorse or thank him for? Does he want you to be beholden to him so that every time you argue he can say “well you’re only in that job because I gave it to you!” Or some such thing. Why would he waste your employer’s time by applying for a job he doesn’t want? Would you really have been OK with him doing that?

Go for the job and dump the boyfriend.

MulticolourMophead · 11/03/2019 08:30

OP, do the best you can as if your DP wasn't involved anywhere, then evaluate your relationship afterwards. Hope you get it

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 11/03/2019 08:32

Some observations:

he sounds arrogant (assuming he is guaranteed the job) and patronising towards you
he doesn’t see you as a team (he wants the money for him (singular), rather than encouraging you, so you (plural) have more money - you are not in his team.
as management if I interviewed someone offered them a job and they then declined it I’d be very annoyed they had wasted my time.

I wouldn’t discuss the application with him at all and would seek out someone senior to get some mentoring/general guidance from.

What is he like generally?

Thecabbageassasin · 11/03/2019 08:32

I’d wait and see what happens. I doubt he’ll apply, he doesn’t sound hugely driven if he’s been waiting for years for an opportunity to earn a better salary to come along.

it’s all a bit pie in the sky at the moment, saying you’re gonna do something isn’t the same as actually doing it.

Good luck with the job op.

LuckyLuckyWoman · 11/03/2019 08:33

Good luck, I hope you get it. Just do your best, and don't give him any tips:)

Things have changed in ten years, his experience may not be that relevant.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 11/03/2019 08:33

Also he logic is terrible.
just because he turns it down it doesn’t mean it automatically goes to you - they could give it to an external candidate or Bob from accounting...)
First choice candidate doesn’t nominate second choice

Mrsmadevans · 11/03/2019 08:36

He sounds jealous of you OP . Good luck with the interview too, imho he won't be bothered to apply in the end and he is just winding you up. There must have been many opportunities in the past to apply for promotion yet he decides to apply for this one? Yeah right. Also him jacking in the promotion 10 years ago won't look good on his CV, it suggests someone unable to cope with the responsibility the job entails not impressive reading imho .

altiara · 11/03/2019 08:37

I think because you don’t live together then it makes sense to him for him to try and increase his salary. But if he’s no interest in management then he’ll be found out.
It is annoying that he’s going for a job that he’s said for as long as you’ve known him that he’s not interested in, so that would annoy me/throw me off balance to what else he’s saying that’s not true.
What I’d hate is 1) the fact he thinks he’ll get the job (ha!) 2) he’ll decline it (will he really?) and 3) they’ll then give it to you!
What I’d learn from this is it’s fine to share your career interest, but not to mention specifics like applying for jobs. Would he have even picked up that this job is on offer? And shown any interest without you being interested?
I think the only thing you can do is prepare brilliantly for the interview, show you’re capable of meeting all the requirements and make sure you stand out.

downcasteyes · 11/03/2019 08:40

I think you should go for it. Don't assume that management experience will be the clincher - I am sure you have other skills that are deeply relevant and valuable.

I would seriously advise against you both going for the job. I have some experience of being shafted by my partner at work and it is far more painful and confidence-destroying than it might at first appear. There is a personal quality to any rejection that makes it much harder to bear and more difficult to let go of than a normal job rejection (which is bad enough, right?). I think if one of you got it and tIn my case, I did quite a lot of work on a project bid for free, on the understanding that I would be allowed to apply for a junior job on the project when it came through. Note: this was about being able to apply, not being handed the job on a plate - I fully expected to have to compete, and to be rejected in favour of better candidates in the event that I wasn't first choice. When the funding came through, I was told that I couldn't actually apply because it would be 'awkward' for my DP if I did. It hurt unreasonably badly for a very long time.

DeaflySilence · 11/03/2019 08:40

"despite maintaining for years that he is not interested"

It may well be that there are senior management within the company who are already aware of this and that it stands against him.

Give your diminishing confidence a huge hitch up, apply, and prepare, prepare, prepare!

Look both internally and externally for things you could do to prepare, and/or personal development plans you could put before them. If you want this, fight for it. Go forward determined to get this job.

Don't discuss it any further, if he has already eroded your confidence a little, then further discussion will not only be unhelpful, it will give him an edge. I suspect he knows that.

OhHolyJesus · 11/03/2019 08:42

He is undermining you, just indirectly and he probably doesn't realise, but also your relationship. It's a pretty arrogant statement to say he would decline it if offered to him so you can have it, assuming you would be second choice and it would even be his decision!

Focus in the job application and then revisit this relationship issue afterwards.

Livingoncake · 11/03/2019 08:43

So what if he applies? You’re being defeatist, you’re assuming he’s guaranteed to get the position over you and allowing it to knock your confidence.

Focus on you. How are you going to show the powers that be that you are the right person for the job? How are your strengths going to shine through in that interview? Don’t compare yourself to him or any other candidate.

A job interview is on of the few situations in life where you get to big yourself up. This is where the arrogance of some men serves them well and it’s why they get promoted.

RosaPfirsich · 11/03/2019 08:47

This sounds like a recipe for disaster. I think I'd be looking for better roles outside of your current organisation as no matter how you play this it is going to end in tears!

The comment about him oh so graciously getting the job just so that he can reject it and let it go to you would seriously fuck me off. Condescending presumptuous twat! That alone would make me throw every last fibre of my being into getting the job. That approach probably wouldn't be indicative of a healthy relationship though.

Ellenborough · 11/03/2019 08:50

Why on earth would he apply for a job he knows he won’t like, just so he can magnanimously decline it as an act of charity to you? Fucksake, how big is this mans ego?

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