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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP and I applying for same job

301 replies

MangoBananaSleep · 11/03/2019 07:07

I work with my DP. We have been together for about five years.

I have always made it clear that I would love to progress in our organisation. He has always maintained that he has had management experience and didn’t enjoy it.

There will be an opportunity in our company soon to apply for a manerial role. It is the perfect job for me and one (without sounding big headed, I think I could do well).

I was talking about it with DP and he firstly said that he would apply but if he got it would decline it so that they offered it to me. Then, when he found out the pay increase, he said he was definitely going to apply.

The thing is, I don’t have the direct management experience that he gained ten years ago. So, in all likelihood he will get the job ahead of me.

I can’t help feeling upset that, despite appearing to suppprt me when the job was theoretical and maintaining that it didn’t interest him, he is now willing to compete with me for it. I suppose this is one of the downsides of dating in the workplace.

Am I being over dramatic? I don’t think I would be so upset if he’d maintained all along that this was something he was interested in.

OP posts:

JazzerMcJazzer · 11/03/2019 08:51

Or better boyfriends outside her current relationship Rosa!

Trills · 11/03/2019 08:51

I think it's fair enough for someone to say "I don't want this job with extra responsibility" and then see the salary and reassess and think "this extra money is worth doing some things I'd rather not do".

I think (hope?) it's unlikely that a person who feels that way will be chosen for the job, above someone who genuinely wants to take on those responsibilities and is enthusiastic about it.

Tavannach · 11/03/2019 08:55

The weirdest bit is that he says if he got offered it, he would turn it down to let you have it. Why? To teach you a lesson? So you are beholden to him?

°This.

oldmum22 · 11/03/2019 08:55

The job is not his .

Apply in your own right, prep as much as you can and make sure you research interview technique, more so if you are familiar with any of the team doing the interviews. In your situation, I would also be checking out vacancies in your field elsewhere as I don't believe (from personal experience )working together and having a relationship is good . If you get the job, you will need to develop a coping mechanism to deal with him (I suspect arrogance ) in a professional manner.

My gut tells me ,he probably wont even fill out the application form .

GeorgeTheBleeder · 11/03/2019 09:00

I'm not sure OP that you have fully comprehended the connection between his not applying for similar posts over years and suddenly wanting to apply for the post you are interested in.

He has said this purely to undermine you! He doesn't want you promoted above him so he's trying to stop you even applying. And letting you know your only route to that job is through him.

It's utterly monstrous and a very unpleasant revelation of how he really sees you.

Huntawaymama · 11/03/2019 09:01

Beat him! I really hope you do. Slightly different but a friend of mine and me have both submitted cvs for a job, on paper I have more experience but she knows the manager and has gift of the gab (I love her btw). I'm determined that I'm going to own that interview (if I get it) and beat her.

coconutpie · 11/03/2019 09:02

I'd be more concerned that he said he'd apply, knowing he has no interest in the role and that he'd then decline it so you could get it. He clearly thinks you are beneath him and would not get the job ahead of him. Why would he apply for it when he's not interested?

Prepare as much as you can for the interview so you can really impress the interview panel. Do you know people on that particular team so that you can find out the workings of that particular area just so you can impress a bit more in the interview etc?

I think you'll have everybody on this thread now hoping you'll get it! Good luck.

BridlingtonSand · 11/03/2019 09:04

I've got an awful feeling that this is one of those "tip of the iceberg" threads.

ittakes2 · 11/03/2019 09:08

Don't assume you are not going to get it - if he doesn't like managerial things it would be obvious to others - they will ask him why he did not continue in that vein 10 years ago. YABU though - if you were not dating his behaviour would be the same so why should he change it for you.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 11/03/2019 09:12

Management experience gained a decade ago is irrelevant - he's spent recent years without that responsibility so it doesn't really count for much.

Assuming that you have 1-2-1s in your workplace, I would guess that your 'D'P's lack of interest in progression has come up in conversation, whereas yours have probably focused on stretch and career progression. Don't forget that internal promotions almost always involve a conversation with the individual's current line manager and this information will be passed on.

Give everything you've got for this interview - prep, research, be prepared to talk about your areas of development and what you've done to ready yourself for taking a step up. What's he going to do? Rock up to the interview and sit there and expect to be given the job on the strength of something he did 10 years previously, despite the fact that he's showed zero interest in progression since then? I know who I'd be taking on!

And have a think about whether you want to invest your time and energy in this bloke. He sounds rather selfish.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 11/03/2019 09:14

Oh and tell him absolutely nothing about what you are doing. Don't talk about it, don't share information - keep schtum. If he's selfish enough to apply for a job he doesn't want just because you want it, then he's selfish enough to nick your ideas and pass them off as his own.

CastleCrasher · 11/03/2019 09:15

If you're at the same level in the same place, its enevitible that you'll have to compete at some point, unless at least one of you decide not to progress, or deliberately misses opportunities that the other goes for.

In the workplace, he's not your dp (or shouldn't be, anyway) you're both professionals interested in an opportunity, that's all. Go for it, wish him well, and see what happens.

I'd be annoyed at the suggestion that he thinks he's got a better chance than you, but equally I'd be annoyed at the suggestion that he shouldn't be allowed to change his mind and go for an opportunity just beggar you want to.

If you want a long term relationship, I suggest you both need to work on your boundaries when it comes to the workplace

S1naidSucks · 11/03/2019 09:15

if he got it would decline it so that they offered it to me.

He’s full of shite. He just doesn’t like the idea of you doing ‘better’ than him. Mustn’t hurt his Male pride. 🙄

Whatever you do, OP, DO NOT discuss the approach that your taking to the interview, the answers you’re planning on giving or let him see your application. You know bloody rightly he’ll be busting to see it and pinch any good ideas you have or do one better. He’s a sneaky shit.

oldmum22 · 11/03/2019 09:21

I meant not good ,in my post about working together . Sorry

sailorsdelight · 11/03/2019 09:21

Go for the job! Who the hells to say he’s get it anyway? - he sounds insecure to me, playing the big man - all oh you would t like it and I’d get it anyway. Tell him if he really wants to go for the job then so be it but in that case he fecking TAKES the job. Sounds like he’s being a bit of an egotistical dick.
IMHO this is what a lot of men do in the workplace - try to undermine women’s confidence so they don’t even go for the promotion. Treat it as if he’s just another colleague - and if a random male colleague of mine talked to me like that i’d Tell him to wind his bloody neck in!

NWQM · 11/03/2019 09:26

So he is planning on putting himself through a job interview - maybe prepping for a presentation etc. He is taking up the time of the interviewers. He won’t be helping you prep.

When he gets offered it though he is planning on turning it down so you get it.

And presumably he’ll be reminding everyone - especially you and he - that really he’s the boss he just graciously (not!) let’s you ‘get on’.

Honestly you need to rethink this relationship.

TatianaLarina · 11/03/2019 09:27

You both work in the same organisation of course you’re going to be going for the same jobs. If you’re not ok with that you need to date outside the workplace.

It doesn’t rmatter why he’s applying, there’s no reason he shouldn’t apply. You should get used to this if you continue to date.

I don’t see that ancient management experience gives him any advantage, it just begs the question why he didn’t progress earlier.

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 11/03/2019 09:28

Are you in a call centre type setting?

WhoKnewBeefStew · 11/03/2019 09:29

Go for it OP, I hope you get it. Experience isnt everything and you may well get offered it anyway - I really hope you do

As for your dp getting the role then declining it. I’m afraid if he did this I wouldn’t take it anyway (but I’m petty like that). Let him work a job he doesn’t like and you can reap the rewards if him getting a higher salary

SlinkyDinkyDoo · 11/03/2019 09:30

He would apply for the job even though initially he didn't actually want it and WHEN he got it he'd decline so you could take it.

What a massive massive prick.

Raging for you.

Greenjacket · 11/03/2019 09:31

Haven’t read the thread yet but why would he apply and then turn it down, just to show you he is a big man? He sounds horrible.

eddielizzard · 11/03/2019 09:36

So he wanted to apply to prove he'd get it, then turn it down so you could get a look in. Then he decided he could use the money. Fair enough.

The first reaction is one of a total arsehole frankly.

I really hope that's out of character for him, otherwise I'd suggest that you could do better.

Whatnotea · 11/03/2019 09:42

May the best woman win!

Seriously apply, so your best, be well prepared. Also if you are a big organisation do they have online training? See if they have a couple of Introduction to Management courses, or look to see if there is one online or a day seminar somewhere.

Management is no mystery it is treating people with respect, getting the most out of them and stepping in to give guidance when required. You will be ace!
Good luck

LittleOwl153 · 11/03/2019 09:45

In my experience as an interterviewer the person who gets the jobis the person who WANTS to the job and mean REALLY WANTS it. His half arse attitude will come across at the interview.

You need to approch it as you would any other job interview. Dont invole him in your application. But make sure you can answer all the relevant questions, have good examples of how your experience fits etc. Do not let the idiot put you off.

Interestingly my husband and I now work in very similar fields. We didn't when we met but have both progressed over time to the same area. We havent competed for jobs so far - partly because he works full time, I work part time and prefer frelance, and he can travel further than I want to everyday! But it will happen in the future I suspect - at which point we will both have different but equally valid skill sets for a role and it will be down to the recruiters as to which they want!!

LemonBreeland · 11/03/2019 09:49

This really smacks of him not wanting you to be higher up than him.

I really hope you get it.

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