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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP and I applying for same job

301 replies

MangoBananaSleep · 11/03/2019 07:07

I work with my DP. We have been together for about five years.

I have always made it clear that I would love to progress in our organisation. He has always maintained that he has had management experience and didn’t enjoy it.

There will be an opportunity in our company soon to apply for a manerial role. It is the perfect job for me and one (without sounding big headed, I think I could do well).

I was talking about it with DP and he firstly said that he would apply but if he got it would decline it so that they offered it to me. Then, when he found out the pay increase, he said he was definitely going to apply.

The thing is, I don’t have the direct management experience that he gained ten years ago. So, in all likelihood he will get the job ahead of me.

I can’t help feeling upset that, despite appearing to suppprt me when the job was theoretical and maintaining that it didn’t interest him, he is now willing to compete with me for it. I suppose this is one of the downsides of dating in the workplace.

Am I being over dramatic? I don’t think I would be so upset if he’d maintained all along that this was something he was interested in.

OP posts:
eggsandwich · 11/03/2019 07:35

If he didn’t enjoy a managerial role previously why does he think this role will be any different ?

Of course a management role will pay far more, and the fact that he obviously didn’t like the responsibility above the higher salary last time means that he’s possibly not cut out for the added pressure the job involves.

BridlingtonSand · 11/03/2019 07:36

How long have you been going out (trying to get a better picture of your relationship).

The weirdest bit is that he says if he got offered it, he would turn it down to let you have it. Why? To teach you a lesson? So you are beholden to him?

Ninkaninus · 11/03/2019 07:38

Management experience ten years ago is probably not going to help him much in securing this role.

You go for it, and make sure you keep strong in your conviction that you’re right for the role!

ScreamingValenta · 11/03/2019 07:39

I think it's simply a case of may the best candidate win.

It sounds a bit presumptuous and manipulative to assume that if he got it and turned it down, they would automatically offer it to you. Are you sure you'll be the only two applicants? Is this a case of, if people know your partner is applying, they won't bother to, so he clears the field for you?

If I were recruiting and I thought someone had turned the job down in order for it to go to their partner, I wouldn't think it reflected well on either of you. I'd probably re-advertise the role so I could assess you again against other candidates.

MadameJosephine · 11/03/2019 07:39

Both applying for the same promotion isn’t unreasonable however I’d have a problem with this

if he got it would decline it so that they offered it to me

That sounds like he doesn’t want the job he just wants to prove that he’s better than you and keep you in your place

EvaHarknessRose · 11/03/2019 07:41

Look at it this way, if you want to progress, this would be a wasted opportunity to show them your strengths and ambition, so the interview is not just about this job, its about you positioning yourself as ambitious.

And if any other candidates you know happen to be applying, it is totally fair game to think about their known weaknesses and then in interview make positive points about yourself in these areas. (You talking about your organisational skills will naturally remind them of the other candidates missed deadlines).

He probably won’t even get around to it, but he seems a bit mean and insensitive (not for applying, but for the way he is making you feel about it).

RB68 · 11/03/2019 07:41

He is insecure and can't cope with the idea that you might actually be better than him. If you get the job ahead of him he will never get over it - I think you need to ask yourself if this is what you want, constantly trying to take what you have earnt off you or crow over you if he did turn it down etc

Ninkaninus · 11/03/2019 07:42

And I’d be pretty fucking pissed off in your situation. I don’t think it says anything good about your DP. You know not to confide in him about your aspirations in future, and that is not how a supportive relationship should be. He either can’t deal with you having a position that’s senior to him and/or has a better salary, or he’s selfish enough to go for a job he doesnt even want when you actually do and it was on your radar first!

UnspiritualHome · 11/03/2019 07:42

If he had a management role a long time ago and stopped, one of the first questions they'll ask is why, and also why he hasn't gone back into management before now. I suspect if anything his previous experience may go against him.

MiddleClassProblem · 11/03/2019 07:43

I dunno. How long have you been together?

I’m not sure if the tables we flipped anyone would expect you to stand down if you had had a change of heart.

It’s not at you. It’s his career.

MkandMe · 11/03/2019 07:44

Good luck... rooting for you...keep us updated

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 11/03/2019 07:45

I think it’s just a bit of a shock that he now wants to apply despite maintaining for years that he is not interested.

I think it's easier to discount a potential future job then a real job with a better salary. Depending on your industry, it could look awful on him if he doesn't want to progress and someone may have mentioned that to him.

DP and I work together. If we were both qualified and no one had a better reason, such as hating their job or a redundancy situation, we'd both apply and support each other.

exparrot · 11/03/2019 07:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpenglerOswald · 11/03/2019 07:46

Eh? This thread is another one where if the sexes were reversed you’d get an entirely different response. Your husband has just as much right to apply as you. Get over yourself.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 11/03/2019 07:47

The thing I don't get i why he wanted to apply, then reject the offer, why? What possible reason would there be to waste everyone's time and make it harder for you to get the job when he didn't want it anyway?

I can understand if he wanted it but not his original stance which was to apply then reject.

Unutterable · 11/03/2019 07:48

Ignore this issue with your partner for the time being, it’s a distraction. Right now you need to get all ‘eye of the tiger’ on that job.

It sounds like you’re genuinely passionate about the opportunity and ready for progression, go for it!!

For what it’s worth management experience from 10 years ago really isn’t a huge deal, and if he didn’t enjoy it you can bet your bottom he won’t have been performing all that well and that this will have been noticed.

IceRebel · 11/03/2019 07:49

Your husband has just as much right to apply as you.

No one has said he doesn't have a right to apply. However, given the OH himself has said he doesn't want to work in management, and he would decline the job if offered it. You have to wonder him motivation for actually applying.

burritofan · 11/03/2019 07:50

if he got it would decline it so that they offered it to me
What a dick thing to say! Why is his assumption that he'd get it and have to bequeath it to you. Maybe you'll get it and he won't even be interviewed.

You both have the right to apply, though. But I would also look around for jobs at a different company so you can separate work/love life a little bit.

brookshelley · 11/03/2019 07:51

I wouldn't use the word partner for a boyfriend that I don't live with or share finances with.

He seems insecure OP but if you're thinking of a long-term relationship with him, then it's good for you as a unit for one of you to get the job. You aren't guaranteed it and neither is he, so both going for it would maximize your potential as a unit.

EjectorCrab · 11/03/2019 07:53

If he’s offered it, he won’t and never intends to reject it. No matter what he says. He’s saying that to protect himself because he’s not confident about applying for the position either. It’s very human, to say things like this, it means nothing.

Think of him in this instance as a colleague and not as a DO.

tirisfalpumpkin · 11/03/2019 07:53

Also, he’s not her husband.

OP, I think his lack of interest in being a manager will come across at interview, and his history (of getting out of management) will support that. You, on the other hand, will look keen and interested in the job, not just the salary. Go for it and all the luck in the world!

EjectorCrab · 11/03/2019 07:53

A DP, not a DO.

JenniferJareau · 11/03/2019 07:58

I was looking for work recently and no one seemed to care about anything I had done prior to the last 5 years.

Maybe his management experience might not count for as much as he thinks.

Hoppinggreen · 11/03/2019 08:07

If that was me I would be absolutely determined to get that job
Just because a man has announced he’s applying too why should that knock your confidence? If you were confident enough to apply before you still should be, nothing has changed.
Some management experience 10 years ago is irrelevant
Go for it and good luck

Tiptoetiptoetiptoe · 11/03/2019 08:11

He’d interview and decline the job if offered? That sounds a bit patronising, as if you wouldn’t be good enough.

Either way if he wants the job he should apply, the same as you are.
I really doubt experience that long ago, which has for no good reason for it being that long ago, would count as a positive.

Good luck OP!