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Original poster

DP and I applying for same job

301 replies

MangoBananaSleep · 11/03/2019 07:07

I work with my DP. We have been together for about five years.

I have always made it clear that I would love to progress in our organisation. He has always maintained that he has had management experience and didn’t enjoy it.

There will be an opportunity in our company soon to apply for a manerial role. It is the perfect job for me and one (without sounding big headed, I think I could do well).

I was talking about it with DP and he firstly said that he would apply but if he got it would decline it so that they offered it to me. Then, when he found out the pay increase, he said he was definitely going to apply.

The thing is, I don’t have the direct management experience that he gained ten years ago. So, in all likelihood he will get the job ahead of me.

I can’t help feeling upset that, despite appearing to suppprt me when the job was theoretical and maintaining that it didn’t interest him, he is now willing to compete with me for it. I suppose this is one of the downsides of dating in the workplace.

Am I being over dramatic? I don’t think I would be so upset if he’d maintained all along that this was something he was interested in.

OP posts:
ZippyBungleandGeorge · 11/03/2019 09:51

DH and I have applied for the same promotions twice before ( I got both), it's what happens if you work in the same organisation and want to progress , best way to look at it is your household has twice the chance of having an increase in income. When I applied for my first managerial role it was against people with more experience and the person who had been doing the role as an act up for six months, I did it for the experience of the process but got the job, if nothing else it will show you where you need to push yourself and what experience you are lacking so you can address that for next time, at best you get it, see it as a learning experience.

MiddleClassProblem · 11/03/2019 09:58

How long have you been together?

catsmother · 11/03/2019 09:59

He thinks he's better than you.

He thinks he's going to 'prove' this by applying for the same role (even though he doesn't really want it) which will of course automatically be offered to him, at which point he'll 'graciously' and 'generously' decline the offer in your favour. Even though the offer's not assured and even though he can't decide who the second choice might be.

He's arrogant, and mean.

If he'd always had similar aspirations to you, fair enough - but his comments are all about showing who's more important here. I'm not even sure if, he was offered it, he'd actually decline anyway as he's citing the higher salary as an incentive to apply.

Of course, none of this is a foregone conclusion anyway but his attitude shows a real meanness of spirit given the background. You can't stop anyone else applying - even him - but his approach would kill the relationship for me.

GabriellaMontez · 11/03/2019 10:02

I think it's fine he's changed his mind and wants another stab at the managerial role. You've obviously inspired him.

I also think you should apply. I bet there's loads of reasons you would be better at the job.

Dowdydoes · 11/03/2019 10:04

Prep yourself into the ground, record your answers to possible questions and watch yourself. Gather as much data as possible. Be amazing and try sndbthink if one good answer why he has a ten year gap in his management experience. There really isn’t one when you have been working. Recent experience is what counts. When you have the job sorted evaluate your relationship.

C8H10N4O2 · 11/03/2019 10:04

Apply for the job, give it your best shot. Play the application to your strengths, especially if they overlap with his weak areas.

If you get the job and its an issue for your relationship then the underlying issue was already there. You would have hit it sooner or later.

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 11/03/2019 10:10

So you want to apply for a job, and mention this to him.

He says 'Ooh, I want that job, it sounds good' - toddler behaviour of wanting what someone else appears to value. He then says 'If I get it I'll let you have it' - arrogant much? Also sets him up as doing you a favour.

I predict that if for whatever reason he doesn't apply and you end up getting the job, he'll always speak of it as that job he could have had if he'd wanted it but that he generously 'let' you have. Thus it will forever be thought of as 'his' job, despite him neither wanting it, seeking it or possibly even applying for it.

He doesn't sound like the best guy tbh, op.....

MummBraTheEverLeaking · 11/03/2019 10:12

Does management know you're a couple? It might work against you both actually, they may decide they'd rather not have the aggro or frosty work atmosphere of picking one of you over the other so pick neither of you. Of course you can't stop him but the fact he is might be blocking you both off.

Also....he will step down so you can 'have' it will he!! Condescending prick move. Although if he does get it I bet he doesn't!

Good luck Smile

ADayAlwaysHasToEnd · 11/03/2019 10:53

Him saying that he would stand down for you to get it makes me think that if he doesn't get it, he's just gonna try and make out that he did and stood down for you to get it 🤔

Ellisandra · 11/03/2019 11:05

Nothing wrong with you both applying, just awkward!

His comment about basically expecting to get it over you then letting you have it... fuck that. That’s not an attitude I want in a boyfriend. I’d dump him now, for that. So that you don’t feel bad dumping him in the same week he loses out on a promotional you.

Go for it!!!!

sailorsdelight · 11/03/2019 11:10

Do you have a ‘lean in’ group or groups at work? I highly recommend you join one or start one. You get to talk to other women about this kind of thing and realise how common it is in the workplace - you also get to have a bloody good rant, in confidence, and get it out of your system as well as recoding advice from your female colleagues. Can’t quite believe that your DP has said this to you! My DP and I work at the same company, one more senior than the other and we are very VERY careful to keep work/home separate and not step in each other’s toes. She’d never do this to me...

howhowhow · 11/03/2019 11:58

I don't see anything wrong with this to be honest.

Onceuponacheesecake · 11/03/2019 12:02

He's allowed to change his mind. It's just one of those things when you work with someone you're dating. Good luck though op!

S1naidSucks · 11/03/2019 12:04

Him saying that he would stand down for you to get it makes me think that if he doesn't get it, he's just gonna try and make out that he did and stood down for you to get it 🤔

That’s a very good point. What’s the betting he claims that they offered him the job right at the end of the interview.

Loopytiles · 11/03/2019 12:05

OP doesn’t live with him, so no “household” benefits.

JingsMahBucket · 11/03/2019 12:25

@Loopytiles doesn’t mean they aren’t partners.

OP, you should definitely apply for this role but also look for similar jobs outside your organization at other companies. That’ll likely get you a big salary boost and new challenges as well. Once you’re prepared for this interview, you’re prepared for others. Good luck! :)

Fiveredbricks · 11/03/2019 12:29

Suck it up OP. He has every right to apply on whatever whim he chooses. Just like anyone else in the company.

I would, however, be aware that if your managers know you are an item the likelyhood of either of you getting it is probably zero if you aren't outwardly treating it as friendly competition.

Whisky2014 · 11/03/2019 12:32

Fucking hell, I really hope you get it!

SinkGirl · 11/03/2019 12:40

I have a feeling there’s more to this - what’s the reason you don’t live together after five years? How old are you both - I’m guessing late 30s-40s if he had management experience 10 years ago?

dreichuplands · 11/03/2019 12:41

He has every right to apply but both of you applying for the same job is going to be stressful and require good communication. It does sound like he assumes he is more likely to get it, although there doesn't seem much reason for this from what you have said.
Is your relationship this one sided normally?

Waspnest · 11/03/2019 12:59

So up until finding out about the higher salary he was all for you getting the job (albeit in an arrogant, patronising way) but on finding out about the money he wants the job for himself? I think that shows you exactly where you are on his list of priorities (and I agree I think this is one of those tip of the iceberg threads).

Hope you get the job and ditch the man OP.

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 11/03/2019 13:08

Don't dump him before the interview or you run the risk of him being a vindictive cunt who tries very hard to get the job in order to spite you.

FizzyGreenWater · 11/03/2019 13:20

Yep I'd bet my bum that this is the tip of an iceberg.

What I always think is that these situations cropping up are really useful. They tell you soooo much about the real underlying character of that person you think you know inside out :)

Let this one play out. Stop talking to him about it. In fact, tell him you're not sure you'll apply after all - close it down.

Maybe he'll apply and maybe he won't. But you definitely apply. Then see what happens.

Ten year old management experience won't help, you know - it might in fact go against him. Why isn't he much further ahead if he was at that stage on the ladder ten years ago, they will ask? Isn't he serious about management? Does he enjoy it or is he only interested in the salary but will soon drop out, like last time?

Whereas you are more likely to be seen as on the way up.

I was with someone for five years too, way back when. After 20+ years with my DH, it seems like a drop in the ocean. Haven't seen them for years now :)

HerBigChance · 11/03/2019 14:18

He can apply for whatever he likes, but his attitude to you and your chances of success is dickish and macho. The relationship would be over for me.

Ninkaninus · 11/03/2019 19:01

I’m not saying that the act of going for the same role makes him unreasonable - it’s obvious that where couples work in the same organisation, and where both parties are keen to progress, it’s likely that both will apply for positions that come up. It can be navigated positively, graciously and supporting the other person in their aspirations.

I just don’t think that’s the case here. His arrogant, patronising comments are intensely irritating to me and his entitlement grates too. He’s effectively willing to potentially snatch the chance for promotion from OP when he’s spent years saying he can’t be arsed and didn’t like a higher level job, which would be piss me right off were it to happen to me. And ‘I’ll let you have the job’? WTAF? If my OH ever said something like that to me, I’m not sure what I would do to him, but it wouldn’t be pretty!

I agree with the poster who said