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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Ex wants me to screw with sleep pattern so he gets visitation?

228 replies

Badidas5 · 04/03/2019 21:27

Separated from ex whilst I was pregnant. I live about 50 minutes away from him now. He was abusive emotionally towards me and I left. We have a son together and he obviously wants to see his son. He never gets home from work before 5. My son is now in a routine (he's 5 months old) and is always asleep between 7 and 8. I'm trying to explain that this is the pattern Our son is in naturally, and I've tried explaining this. He's just reached a point where he does the same thing every night. It's beneficial for me and a pattern that suits both of us.

He wants me to change his whole pattern so he gets longer with him on a weekday. I've said no, it's not beneficial to our son. I'm already travelling almost an hour there and about hour back for a short period of time so he can see him.

I'm close to just saying no and only doing weekend contact. He wants 2 evenings on a weekday and it just doesn't work. I've changed my working hours drastically to suit my son's needs. Taken a significant pay decrease so I can be there to pick him up and take him to nursery every day. He just says 'I finish at 5 sorry' - that's it.

What am I to do? AIBU? Should I really consider changing my son's whole routine

OP posts:
Lolapusht · 09/03/2019 09:06

OP, you’ve had lots of great advice here already but just wanted to add that if he was as concerned about his son as he said he would have been giving you maintenance. That money is for the benefit of your baby so why hasn’t he paid you? If he was as good as he wants you to think, you shouldn’t have to go through CMS. Everything he’s done so far has been to control you...insisting that you travel to him, ignoring that the times don’t work for his son, ignoring that you’re tired etc, etc, etc. That text was to threaten you and as others have mentioned. He’s not co-operating, he’s dictating what he wants to happen and demanding you do what he wants. If he was as caring a dad as he likes to make out, then he wouldn’t have cancelled travelling to you. He’s happy to see his son on his terms and as long as you do all the running and the fact his son is exhausted after the visits and doe s trike travelling doesn’t come into it.

If your mum is supportive, how about you tell her everything and start discussing his texts with her before you respond? Discussing what he’s said with someone else will give you space to think and will also give you a different perspective on what he’s saying. What does she think about the number of visits and how it’s not working for you or your little one?

TowelNumber42 · 09/03/2019 09:21

Put your mum in charge of all communication with him. Do not read his messages or speak to him directly for at least a few weeks. This is to give you space to heal the fear.

Work out with your mum what your reasonable contact offer is, make the offer, tell him mum is handling contact now and then block him. Let's see what happens when he sends threatening messages to a police officer, eh?

Refuse to do the driving but give days/times when his can visit the baby. He won't visit if it doesn't help him abuse you. That's all he cares about.

AngelsSins · 09/03/2019 09:39

I totally agree with the above, you have an amazing resource in your mum, use her! Let all contact be through her from now on, remove him from your everyday life, and you will slowly start to get some strength back.

I also can’t believe the women here who seem to believe facilitating a relationship between a man and his child is purely a woman’s job!!! He has to facilitate his own relationship first. If a guy sits back, won’t change his working hours, won’t pay maintenance, won’t travel then he’s not facilitating his own relationship. He doesn’t then get to make demands that a woman must obey because their relationship is all her responsibility.

Skyejuly · 09/03/2019 12:22

You wont have to pay if you represented yourself x

Badidas5 · 09/03/2019 12:29

Would it be wise to represent myself against my abusive ex? I can't even bring myself to send him a text message at times let alone sit in court with him

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 09/03/2019 12:33

I doubt very much he will take you to court.

Cut off his fix, which is abusing you, and after a brief rage he will most likely disappear from your life.

Even if he does take you to court, it would be ages before any hearing so you will have time to build strength.

You are still in an abusive relationahip for as long as you let him continue intruding on your life with his messages, face time etc. You are still jumping to his tune. Don't.

RandomMess · 09/03/2019 12:34

You are getting so way ahead of yourself court will cost him effort, time and money...

It's not in his radar because at the moment he's still got you running around doing it all!!!

One step at a time, take back control comes first. It's highly likely he won't bother with contact because he's an abusive deadbeat.

Skyejuly · 09/03/2019 12:41

I did. I didn't really have a choice since a solicitor had said mediation wouldn't work. The court did put in place security measures and I didnt have to be near him and someone sat between us. Xx

chuttypicks · 09/03/2019 12:43

Tell him to piss off and take you to court if he wants.

Catalicious · 09/03/2019 12:46

Oh lovely. You're so focused on the worst case scenario and believing his threats - and he wants you to be afraid.

You've had amazing advice - let your mum send all the communication. She will find it much easier to say 'this is what we can offer' and just repeat. That he's not paying CMS is abominable, and he won't want the court finding out that. If he won't spend on his child now, you think he'll spend on court fees? This is all about him controlling you. You are already doing the very best you can. Enough, now. You don't need to be afraid. We all back you up.

thefirst48 · 09/03/2019 13:21

So he doesn't pay anything towards his child but expects you to put your hand in your pocket whilst on smp to pay for fuel for him to see his child. Let him take you to court and please phone CMS and make him pay for his child!

Badidas5 · 09/03/2019 20:06

He's now being super nice to me. I pointed out something quite bad that he did today and he's just agreeing and apologising now. I should be happy but he's playing a game. Being super nice and lovely saying things like 'I'm not going to have a go at you you know, I don't bite. You can tell me anything' - I can see through it but I fear others won't.

OP posts:
Badidas5 · 09/03/2019 20:07

I'm scared he's going to turn in to mr lovely until this is all settled and he'll fool everyone in to thinking he's mr wonderful.

OP posts:
Badidas5 · 09/03/2019 20:08

Of course I hope he is changing for the good, I just don't believe he can...

OP posts:
thefirst48 · 09/03/2019 20:14

Why are you engaging with this man?

RandomMess · 09/03/2019 20:17

Why are you having dialogue with him?

Thus is the abuse cycle being nice to reel you back in to get what he wants then the control starts again...

Do not communicate with him at all beyond offering contact in your home town. Literally nothing else at all ever.

Graphista · 09/03/2019 20:27

"I'm trying to work out if it's a threat or not." I'd ask him what he means by that. Make him put it in writing, hopefully shoot himself in the foot! But yes I'd take it as a threat. He's panicking cos he knows he's losing his control of you.

If he means court, great! Bring it on!

If you can provide evidence of abuse you might be able to get legal aid. If you can't you can still self represent and there's other options of charitable support there even.

Heard good things on here about these people

www.ncdv.org.uk

Also remember taking you to court is cost and hassle for him too, I doubt very much he actually wants to do that. My ex took me to court cost him £10,000's and in the end he got awarded LESS contact than I was offering and which he wasn't making use of anyway!

"Before court there is mediation (you can insist on shuttle mediation) - court is a long way off!!!!" This too. When my ex took me to court it was before this was the procedure. Mediation will also cost him money so again he's not really gonna want to do that.

"Nope he's not paying anything yet." He should be but this is further proof he doesn't WANT to shell out ANY money wrt this situation.

Get onto cms ASAP and get a claim in.

"That he's not paying CMS is abominable, and he won't want the court finding out that" it is abominable, however as maintenance and contact are legally separated you're not even allowed to mention it in court.

But as pp rightly say that's a LONG way off anyway, even back when you weren't required to try/consider meditation first it took months to even get initial date let alone anything else. This guy hasn't the stamina for that I'm betting.

He's in your head and he's got you convinced he has some kind of super powers - he hasn't! He's just a pathetic bully lashing out because he's losing control of his victim.

FluffySlipperSocks · 09/03/2019 20:28

Can't he come to you 6pm til 7pm and get involved in bath time and read him a story?

GreenTulips · 09/03/2019 20:31

Can't he come to you 6pm til 7pm and get involved in bath time and read him a story?

Ah problem solved in on sentance ....why didn’t we all think of that?

Badidas5 · 09/03/2019 20:37

Yeah I'm going to ignore thatsuggestion lol.

I'm just a fool I guess. I'm so scared he's going to be nice and charming and I'm going to be made to look a fool. I so hope that's not the case.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/03/2019 20:40

You need to very consciously stop replying to all/any of his texts.

Every text you receive come here and we will tell you what (if anything to reply). You could reply "I need to consult by legal advisor before I respond" Wink if it would make you feel better.

Badidas5 · 09/03/2019 20:50

Thanks @RandomMess

He came by tonight because he had my new passport in his car. I'm so scared of him. I stupidly agreed to meet him in the week half way. I'm so pathetic but I just COULDNT say no to him. I just don't have the strength to and I'm scared of his reaction. I hate myself right now because all I can think about is finding an excuse not to meet him now. I'm going to be seen to be messing him around. This is all going to make ME look bad I can just tell.

I'm so pathetic Sad

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/03/2019 20:52

Half way is progress, next week your town Grin

Badidas5 · 09/03/2019 20:56

I feel sick 😩

OP posts:
CheshireChat · 09/03/2019 21:05

Baby steps- first you'll say yes, but, then it'll not today then it'll no!

And saying no when you should be refusing will become a nice, healthy habit

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