Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants me to screw with sleep pattern so he gets visitation?

228 replies

Badidas5 · 04/03/2019 21:27

Separated from ex whilst I was pregnant. I live about 50 minutes away from him now. He was abusive emotionally towards me and I left. We have a son together and he obviously wants to see his son. He never gets home from work before 5. My son is now in a routine (he's 5 months old) and is always asleep between 7 and 8. I'm trying to explain that this is the pattern Our son is in naturally, and I've tried explaining this. He's just reached a point where he does the same thing every night. It's beneficial for me and a pattern that suits both of us.

He wants me to change his whole pattern so he gets longer with him on a weekday. I've said no, it's not beneficial to our son. I'm already travelling almost an hour there and about hour back for a short period of time so he can see him.

I'm close to just saying no and only doing weekend contact. He wants 2 evenings on a weekday and it just doesn't work. I've changed my working hours drastically to suit my son's needs. Taken a significant pay decrease so I can be there to pick him up and take him to nursery every day. He just says 'I finish at 5 sorry' - that's it.

What am I to do? AIBU? Should I really consider changing my son's whole routine

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/03/2019 06:46

Another point - since you weren't planning on taking this further, I assume that you've deleted his messages up til now.
Ask your mum about the police being able to retrieve messages once they've been deleted - you might find this facility useful. And don't delete anything else!

Original poster
Badidas5 · 07/03/2019 08:17

I broke my phone and messages sadly weren't backed up. It's all WhatsApp. I'm backing it all up to the cloud now.

OP posts:
PinaColada1 · 07/03/2019 17:01

And another point. You say you won’t like his reaction.

I only learnt recently in my life that this is exactly why you need to tell him. Because it means you are doing things because he makes you scared not to. Because you might think you are doing this because you are being nice and giving and a decent person. You value his opinion.

None of the above helps your baby. In fact you are putting his needs above your babies.

Original poster
Badidas5 · 07/03/2019 21:22

Apparently I'm being unreasonable. He had a chance to drive here to see him tonight but cancelled because it's too far to drive to only see him for half an hour. He also cancelled earlier in the week. I'm going slowly insane. I hate him.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 07/03/2019 21:26

You seem pretty obsessed with him for someone who hates him.

You're stuck in a loop here, and you seem to be struggling to break out of it and free yourself.

You've had some good advice on here. Listen to us. Talk to your mum and listen to her.

Original poster
Badidas5 · 07/03/2019 21:30

Obsessed is the wrong word. I'm just scared of him.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 07/03/2019 21:32

Is he on the birth certificate or not?

Original poster
Badidas5 · 07/03/2019 21:39

Yes and he has his surname. I ask that nobody slate me for that. I highly regret it and am punishing myself enough. I tried to bring up using my name or double barrelling but he shut me down.

OP posts:
HebeJeeby · 07/03/2019 21:41
  • Apparently I'm being unreasonable.

Of course he thinks you are being unreasonable. He thinks you're unreasonable because you're not doing his bidding. However, despite him thinking you are unreasonable the world has not stopped turning and you are still alive and in one piece. Even better your son's routine has not been disrupted and you haven't had a long drive whilst being exhausted. Now ask yourself honestly, have the repercussions of not driving to him been as bad as you feared? Yes, he's still giving you grief but is that grief worse than the actual 2 hr drive etc... This could be the start of a new routine.......

  • He had a chance to drive here to see him tonight but cancelled because it's too far to drive to only see him for half an hour. He also cancelled earlier in the week.

This lack of action echoes what a PP has said - there's no way he's going to bother himself to see DS as he's not interested in DS, or at least not as much as he is interested in controlling you. Where's the fun in seeing DS if it isn't messing you about and getting you to dance to his tune. Carry on like this and I think you will find you will have to deal with him less and less.

Is there any chance you could get a separate number for him/e-mail address and then let your mum deal with him, at least in the immediate future just to give you a break?

Original poster
Badidas5 · 07/03/2019 21:48

Thankfully now I've signed up to the freedom program and I've been allocated a support worker from women's aid. I think my main fear is fighting this, then courts etc not believing me that he was/is abusive. I'm terrified it won't be taken seriously.

OP posts:
squeakyreptile · 07/03/2019 21:49

The idea of contact is to benefit the child. Your ex is focusing solely on his own needs. This isn't a fun adult centred exercise , like an adult version of borrowing the school mascot for the weekend. This is a child, and the child is the priority. I am with you OP.

GreenTulips · 07/03/2019 21:52

Keep a record of all declines to see your child

Original poster
Badidas5 · 07/03/2019 21:52

Emotional abuse is just so hard to cope with. It would be easier if he just punched me. I've been punched by an ex before and whilst there were no kids involved, it was so much easier to leave. Never want a partner again Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Badidas5 · 07/03/2019 22:04

I'm starting to feel quite depressed. I'm scared I'm ending up with PND. I already have post natal anxiety. I'm so tired. Thanks everyone for your help.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 07/03/2019 22:41

OP you need to fond your inner tiger and kick this shit out of your life!!

Do the freedom program

Decide what you want and how your going to get there - stop answering to his demands -

I’m married and if DH rang me 3 times a day I’d lose my shit with him for hassling me, make the child available for visits, how he then decides to facility his ‘right’ is totally up to him

Original poster
Badidas5 · 07/03/2019 22:46

@GreenTulips I feel like I'm getting there slowly.

OP posts:
Tolleshunt · 07/03/2019 23:11

He already can't be arsed to put himself out to see his child.

So what if he thinks you're being unreasonable? What does his opinion count for? He's an abusive prick, whose every utterance is self-serving tripe designed to abuse you. Treat what he says with that in mind. Stay strong.

Graphista · 08/03/2019 02:10

Yea as predicted he's already showing his true colours. NONE of his bluster is ANYTHING to do with what's right for his son it's about exerting control over you, he's not interested in his son at all.

Bit Jeremy Kyle but if he really didn't want to be a deadbeat dad he'd get off his arse and drive over to his son.

PLEASE stop worrying about this arse, I predict within a year he'll no longer be a factor in your sons life, out of his own choice, BUT do get child maintenance off him.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/03/2019 04:36

Make sure you keep ALL correspondence from him now in ALL media. When you get taken to court (and I have no doubt he will because he's a bully) then you will have evidence to back everything you know to be true up.

GreenTulips · 08/03/2019 08:02

And stick to the facts in texts -don’t engage in arguments

You are welcome to visit X on Thursday
I am unable to drive as DS won’t sleep later
No half way won’t work
Shall I expect you at 6?

Skyejuly · 08/03/2019 13:12

It's not always the one who moves has to travel but you will need to make some effort. I live 4 hours away and we now have to travel 2 hours each and meet half way. Doesn't mean my kids are not in the car for ages but court didnt overly care.
I only have to do this once every 3 weeks though and they stay for longer in the holidays.
I wasn't told off for moving in court but equally they saw fit that we should both travel equal distance. I had domestic violence proof convictions and honestly it didnt really matter as the court were there for him and kids...I felt invisible.

The court will say he has a right to his son and unfortunately they will allow him unsupervised visits and expect you to travel.

(I HAVE ALTERED SOME DETAILS FOR PROTECTION BUT THIS IS NEARLY 100%)

Jokie · 08/03/2019 13:24

@Badidas5: you need to protect yourself. Is there anyone who can help you handle these communications? Or stick to email only and block him?

Hotterthanahotthing · 08/03/2019 13:31

I would stick to email only.Ask him to do that and even though f you read his messages on other media do not respond.

Original poster
Badidas5 · 08/03/2019 14:08

@Skyejuly is your situation not completely different to mine? I've only moved an hour away, he's asking me to travel 2-3 times a week in the evenings quite late, and I'm not opposed to travelling (I just refuse to disrupt my son's routine and be driving in rush hour twice a week and not getting home until 9:30/10.

It's really upsetting that you felt invisible, I really sympathise but I don't think you can really compare our two situations?

OP posts:
Skyejuly · 08/03/2019 14:19

Hi, yes they are different and I do sympathise but I dont want you to ignore him and then in court get told off for parental alienation. As you live closer they may well expect you to travel more often. Just dont get to court unless you have too as it's so so so hard as it will be 50/50 where possible x

My 4 yr old is expected to sit in the car for 4 hours from 7pm-11pm and they really didnt care when I argued this.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.