Ex wants me to screw with sleep pattern so he gets visitation?

[Badidas5]

Separated from ex whilst I was pregnant. I live about 50 minutes away from him now. He was abusive emotionally towards me and I left. We have a son together and he obviously wants to see his son. He never gets home from work before 5. My son is now in a routine (he's 5 months old) and is always asleep between 7 and 8. I'm trying to explain that this is the pattern Our son is in naturally, and I've tried explaining this. He's just reached a point where he does the same thing every night. It's beneficial for me and a pattern that suits both of us.

He wants me to change his whole pattern so he gets longer with him on a weekday. I've said no, it's not beneficial to our son. I'm already travelling almost an hour there and about hour back for a short period of time so he can see him.

I'm close to just saying no and only doing weekend contact. He wants 2 evenings on a weekday and it just doesn't work. I've changed my working hours drastically to suit my son's needs. Taken a significant pay decrease so I can be there to pick him up and take him to nursery every day. He just says 'I finish at 5 sorry' - that's it.

What am I to do? AIBU? Should I really consider changing my son's whole routine

Agreed with the advice re emailing instead of texting. He has no right to FaceTime three times a day or incessantly pester you with texts. He also has no right to expect your baby DS to travel for almost two hours when he’s supposed to be asleep.

He doesn’t have your DS’s best interests at heart, only his own. He is still trying to manipulate and emotionally abuse you even though you have split. Any Dad worth their weight would realise that time is not good for their baby’s wellbeing and be reasonable about it. Also would realise that so much travelling isn’t beneficial to them either and would travel to you.

Be more firm and stand your ground. Email contact only from now on, make a separate email address if you have to and only check it when you need to. Weekend access is enough and is normal.

It's not even just that my son isn't benefiting from it. I'm just completely exhausted by the evening. Occasionally I am fit to drive but I cannot commit to driving that distance all the time when I'm exhausted. I have a 4 month old who is going through a sleep regression. I'm ill all the time, I have a prolapse and can't go 30 minutes without needing the toilet. Fine when I'm on the motorway and can stop at services but when I'm travelling an hour on A roads it doesn't work. My son hates the car and screams for the first 15 minutes of every journey. Fine during the day but before bed? He's so wound up by the time we get home. I'm sat at home now with a sore throat and a temperature which came on in the last hour. My chest hurts from anxiety. Thank you all so much for your help. I am at rock bottom. I feel so small and helpless. Thank you for helping me advocate for myself.

The reason you're a wreck is that he's clearly been continuing to abuse, control and punish you. You're at his beck and call, with the regular FaceTime calls, being harassed if you don't reply to messages immediately, regularly making long and inconvenient journeys to please him.

You must seek professional support ASAP. Make an urgent appointment with your GP, tell them about your anxiety and feeling you're "at rock bottom". Contact women's aid (there's a national helpline and you should have a local one too) - they are the experts on abuse and can support you or point you in the direction of more support. IMO you need counselling urgently and you also need to do the Freedom Programme when you can.

You also need to cut contact with your abuser. As PPs have advised, stick to email (and only emails that are absolutely necessary to organise contact) and block him on every other channel, phone, WhatsApp, Facebook, etc.

Stop the FaceTime calls, stop the evening visits, and as for weekend contact, I think it should be in a contact centre, supervised by a neutral (preferably professional) person, or not at all.

Is he on the birth certificate? If not he doesn't even have parental responsibility.

You are not small or helpless
You hold all the cards
You choose what suits you and DS

Get your family on board and start being brave

Where are you living atm, are you staying with family??

I feel your anxiety through your posts. You need to make sure that you're taking care of yourself to be able to take care of your child.

Block him, write him an email and be clear. I agree with others that he's continuing his abuse through this constant and unrelenting contact

Have you a friend or family member that can help you through the practical steps of emailing and blocking him?

@RandomMess I have an amazing family, so yes thankfully I have help :)

Any of them no nonsense and understand you need to stop engaging with Mr controlling abuser?

@RandomMess yes my mother.

Awesome tell her to read up on grey rock etc, she can become your PA.

She's amazing. She's a police officer and thinks I should go down the route of proving emotional abuse. I don't have the energy (or evidence)

I just went through family court and I hate to say it but they will say you are being unreasonable and the routine does not matter. :(

@Skyejuly I've seen a solicitor who said that no court in the land will order me to drive 2 hours, 2 evenings of every week with a 4 month old for a short 1.5-2 hour visit and a full time job once I'm back at work? Unless they have no idea what they're talking about...

Agree Skyejuly

It's not a case of being a 'handmaiden' - it's about telling the op what she needs to hear, and what is typical in the circumstances she describes. The person who lives away is the one who travels.

OP needs to think about how to facilitate the DC's relationship with their father, because if this does end up in court, she needs to know what her preferred solutions are, and negotiate towards that.

Sleep patterns change, and will not be the basis for the court's decision.

The child's right to a relationship with their father will be paramount.

@AuntieStella yes, he can travel on weekdays and I can travel on a weekend? I moved away because I have family here and he was abusive. If it's a case of 'you move, you travel' then that's a wonderful way of ensuring abuses women don't leave their partners and end up being controlled further and further. Awful if that's what the courts are saying...

*abused

The sooner you curtail the madness then the less precedent has been set.

As an experiment I would be tempted to state you cannot travel at all for the next 6 weeks and if he wants to visit DS he will need to travel to you. If he refuses you have evidence that he does not prioritise seeing his son.

The longer you allow him to demand FaceTime and you travel the more evidence he has that it is his usual contact and that you have the means to do it.

Time to see how much he really wants to see his son Vs how much he still wants to control you, own you, and punish you.

Tell him he can see your son every other weekend, IF he drives to you. Tell him you will only communicate via email and will be blocking him on all other communication forums because he is harrassing you. Do that. And wait. Keep all the abusive emails he WILL send you. Save them for later.

If he really cares about his son, he will take you to court for access. They will require that he actually put some effort in and hopefully agree something equitable - you can also use that as an opportunity to formalise the ways in which you communicate about DS and restrict it to what you find reasonable/what is in your baby son's interest. That does NOT include fucking Facetime 3 times a day.

However I doubt any of this will come about, because once you cut him off from what he truly craves - unrestricted access to and control over your headspace, schedule and life - he will rage for a while then quietly disappear. He is selfish, he is lazy. Make this even a little bit hard for him and you won't see him for dust.

I agree with blocking him and only allowing email contact. That will remove some of the stress. I would also allow your mother to read the emails first and only tell you the bits you need to know.
Email will also provide a paper trail for proving emotional abuse, as he will not be able to help himself.
He is currently harassing you - this is an offence in itself, so your mother should be able to assist you in dealing with that as well.

You've been worn down by his demands and abuse and it's hard to come back from that, certainly initially - but as you say, you are no longer in a relationship with him so you don't need to respond immediately, that's just him exerting control over you again.

I agree with letting him take you to court for access. But I also agree with your mother that you should discuss with the police about the emotional abuse - have it on record somewhere, even if you have no actual proof. Then keep records of every communication from now on - you'll have your proof soon enough.

This guy is continuing to emotionally abuse you.
You are not being unreasonable.
The baby absolutely needs routine and it sounds like you have that sorted, well done you, this is in his best interests.
If his father wants to see him midweek that is great. He will need to travel to you to see the baby before his bed time routine starts. If this means he needs to adjust his work schedule then so be it.

The constant texts will be a start for the emotional abuse proof. That level is clearly unreasonable.

You don't have to respond to him or FaceTime if you don't want to, the baby won't get any benefit of any of that it's ridiculous! I'd say only communicate directly relating to contact, block him on phone & sm and messaging services. Keep your responses to the bare minimum needed to arrange reasonable contact.

randomness' suggestion is good. Nip it in the bud idea.

"I know it's hard for him being away from him son" that was HIS choice and not your problem to fix!

Courts go on what's best for the child/ren regardless of who left who, who was to blame for the split, who moved away...

Plus solicitors tend to advise on their PROFESSIONAL experience and knowledge of the likely outcome at the courts (with the judges etc) local to them that they are working with DAILY. So I highly doubt op's solicitor has misinformed her.

The child's BASIC needs re sleep, housing, nutrition and similar outweigh even the child's need for a relationship with the parent. It's not healthy for a baby this young to be having their established routine that works for them disrupted, to be in a car seat unnecessarily several hours every week just because their deadbeat dad won't step the fuck up!

"Make this even a little bit hard for him and you won't see him for dust." I strongly suspect the same - and if so better to find out BEFORE the baby has bonded to him.

I’m going to assume you drop the baby off and then wait round, having driven an hour to then drive back.

You aren’t getting anything bout of this situation.

He needs to drive, see baby and then leave you to bed and bathe etc

His demands, his way of contacting you are evidence of abuse and I am sure there will be more.

I get you think challenging him will be scary and exhausting. It will be to start. But once you have done it and started the procees, and started to break the dynamic of the relatinship you will start to feel better. Quicker than you might think. He, and his abuse are what is exhausing ( over and above normal parent stuff!)

Listen to yor mum, contact WA.