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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants me to screw with sleep pattern so he gets visitation?

228 replies

Badidas5 · 04/03/2019 21:27

Separated from ex whilst I was pregnant. I live about 50 minutes away from him now. He was abusive emotionally towards me and I left. We have a son together and he obviously wants to see his son. He never gets home from work before 5. My son is now in a routine (he's 5 months old) and is always asleep between 7 and 8. I'm trying to explain that this is the pattern Our son is in naturally, and I've tried explaining this. He's just reached a point where he does the same thing every night. It's beneficial for me and a pattern that suits both of us.

He wants me to change his whole pattern so he gets longer with him on a weekday. I've said no, it's not beneficial to our son. I'm already travelling almost an hour there and about hour back for a short period of time so he can see him.

I'm close to just saying no and only doing weekend contact. He wants 2 evenings on a weekday and it just doesn't work. I've changed my working hours drastically to suit my son's needs. Taken a significant pay decrease so I can be there to pick him up and take him to nursery every day. He just says 'I finish at 5 sorry' - that's it.

What am I to do? AIBU? Should I really consider changing my son's whole routine

OP posts:
FermatsTheorem · 04/03/2019 22:47

Another one who is saying tell him to go to court.

Custody is arranged round the needs of the child. Keeping a 5 month old baby up past 7 o'clock bedtime is clearly not what a child that age needs.

Cherrysoup · 04/03/2019 22:49

Tell him to get to fuck. No way should you be travelling, that’s so ridiculous! He walked out, not you. He travels, not you. Weekends only and if he objects, tell him to go to court. Stop letting him take the piss, which is what he’s doing, OP.

PinaColada1 · 04/03/2019 22:55

No, this is not in your child’s best interests.
Do not do the travel, this is not in your child’s best interests.
Do not engage, be very ‘grey rock’.

Let the visits tail off, as they will if you are not doing the traveling. You need to distance yourself and look after yourself and your baby. Number one priority now.

Singlenotsingle · 04/03/2019 22:58

Why are you doing the travelling? Shock No way on God's Earth should you be dragging that poor baby out in the car to see his feckless father.

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 04/03/2019 23:00

Is contact already arranged through court? I strongly suggest witholding contact until it has gone through court officially.

Chocmallows · 04/03/2019 23:01

I was taken to court by my ex, he has control issues and wanted to ask for more and less time at exactly the same time - he was so hell bent on saying life me was unfair on him he could not see that what he was asking was a contradiction. He said he did not have the free-time I have to see the DCs (I work PT) so said I was asking too much from him and also at the same time said that I was blocking access.

The court could see that I was putting the DCs first and that he just wanted control. I got more freedom than I ever expected. I do not have to run around after him and pick-ups are not at my home (my DCs are school age).

If you go to court look online for advice first before paying for a solicitor (not forums but legally reliable sites childlawadvice.org.uk/family/), position statements are easy to find, the paperwork is numbered and sounds complicated but it really is not. Judges are supportive of people in litigant (supporting themselves), but I will be honest I can be quite assertive since my ex left and I was determined to ask for everything my DCs need and could not see why I should pay for it.

ScarletBitch · 04/03/2019 23:03

I don't think you are being unreasonable, offer him 1 night a week then EOW. If that is not good enough tell him to go get a court order where he will be offered exactly the same. I understand he wants to bond with baby and that's great, difficulty for all especially when he works.

PanamaPattie · 04/03/2019 23:03

If he wants to see his son, he gets in the car and meets you at a neutral place at the weekend. He had no right to see your son in your home - more chances for abuse and it blurs boundaries.

If ex doesn't like this, he can go to court.

AnotherEmma · 04/03/2019 23:05

Child Law Advice is a good website.
This is another good one:
rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/family-law/

RomanyQueen1 · 04/03/2019 23:11

This is not in your child's best interest and neither is being ferried around in a car seat for that long.
Stop doing it and stop allowing him to abuse you, he has gone.

Original poster
Badidas5 · 04/03/2019 23:16

It's really hard to be assertive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Badidas5 · 04/03/2019 23:16

I'm so tired of it all.

OP posts:
NeverTwerkNaked · 04/03/2019 23:16

Spending all that time in the car is clearly not right for your DS. I know it’s hard when you have been in an abusive relationship but you need to stand up to your ex and say no. Let him take you to court if he insists. This clearly isn’t what a 5mo old needs in the evenings. If he wants to see him then he should travel.

Original poster
Badidas5 · 04/03/2019 23:17

He's telling me that because I moved that I need to travel.

OP posts:
NeverTwerkNaked · 04/03/2019 23:19

It is really really hard to be assertive. I know that. But until you start doing it your ex will capitalise on his power. I find it easier to be assertive in writing so don’t discuss anything in person. And I make sure I control how quickly I reply so I can control the speed of a disagreement. I give myself thinking time before replying - never reply in haste.

PanamaPattie · 04/03/2019 23:19

Don't speak to him. Use email for communication. Block him. He can't bully you that way.

RomanyQueen1 · 04/03/2019 23:19

Tell him to fuck off, seriously. He left you, it's not your fault.
You moved for the good of your child, did he?

Original poster
Badidas5 · 04/03/2019 23:20

I wish I could prove how emotionally abusive he was but I broke my phone and my messages weren't backed up. So upset as I would get legal aid and could afford court if I could. He really was quite horrid to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Badidas5 · 04/03/2019 23:21

Even if I was the one who left would it make a difference? He was still an arse (he left though not me. I just moved house).

OP posts:
Chocmallows · 04/03/2019 23:29

Change the times to suit your DC, not him and not you. Tell your ex that you are doing this for your DC and make all communication from the starting point of "DC needs..."

If he takes you to court he will be encouraged to have mediation with you first (called a MIAM, but just mediation to see if things can be resolved). If this fails you go to court but he pays and you will see his statement first to see what he wants. If it is clearly not beneficial to DC than you may be able to put your point across without legal help. Family court is not legal court, the judges ask simple questions and everything is based on the child not either parent.

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/03/2019 23:33

Text

"You seem to misunderstand the reality of our situation. Your contact with our son is for his benefit, not yours. You, as a parent, must put your own wants second to your sons needs. He is available for you to visit between X and Ypm on A and B days, I will no longer be bringing him to you but you are welcome to visit him here. I will only communicate via text or email about this."

Do not answer any calls from him, force him to text you so you may be able to get evidence to get legal aid.

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/03/2019 23:34

And dont worry too much, as soon as he actually has to put some effort in he will stop making any effort to see your son and will soon drift out of your lives.....

timeisnotaline · 04/03/2019 23:38

He’s still abusing you op, making you do all the running and jumping when he says jump. You are looking after a baby. He left. If he wants to see the baby he can travel. If the baby has a routine he can fit in it. And he should pay for his child.
Don’t worry about court. As others say they will laugh at him.

ineedaholidaynow · 04/03/2019 23:42

Does he see him at weekends? Will the plan be when he is older to do overnights?

Is he paying maintenance? Has he helped in any way with getting things for your DS?

Original poster
Badidas5 · 04/03/2019 23:42

Will they really though? I'm scared they would make me drive a lot and would go with the father's side.

OP posts:
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