Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants me to screw with sleep pattern so he gets visitation?

228 replies

Badidas5 · 04/03/2019 21:27

Separated from ex whilst I was pregnant. I live about 50 minutes away from him now. He was abusive emotionally towards me and I left. We have a son together and he obviously wants to see his son. He never gets home from work before 5. My son is now in a routine (he's 5 months old) and is always asleep between 7 and 8. I'm trying to explain that this is the pattern Our son is in naturally, and I've tried explaining this. He's just reached a point where he does the same thing every night. It's beneficial for me and a pattern that suits both of us.

He wants me to change his whole pattern so he gets longer with him on a weekday. I've said no, it's not beneficial to our son. I'm already travelling almost an hour there and about hour back for a short period of time so he can see him.

I'm close to just saying no and only doing weekend contact. He wants 2 evenings on a weekday and it just doesn't work. I've changed my working hours drastically to suit my son's needs. Taken a significant pay decrease so I can be there to pick him up and take him to nursery every day. He just says 'I finish at 5 sorry' - that's it.

What am I to do? AIBU? Should I really consider changing my son's whole routine

OP posts:
Graphista · 08/03/2019 17:54

Skyejuly but there's a HUGE difference between a 4 MONTH old and a 4 YEAR old surely you see that?

A court certainly would.

That said, I was the one that moved away (to have a support network) dd was 3 and court said my ex was the one who had to travel so it's not set in stone what the court will do - that's why I've been saying op needs to listen to solicitor as they know the local courts/judges and which way they're likely to lean

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/03/2019 23:24

We're told over and over that actually it's all about the CHILD's rights, and yet courts still seem to think that fathers' rights are a thing - so are they, or are they not?

It should ALWAYS be about the welfare of the child, not the father (or the mother in some cases).

And yes there is a massive difference between a 4 month old baby and a 4yo child.

Original poster
Badidas5 · 09/03/2019 07:27

@ThumbWitchesAbroad I don't think you can even begin to compare. I'm so confused in regards to what is right or wrong. What about my right to not have to drive late at night when I've been up all night the night before with a 4 month old? I am so tired today because DS was awake every hour last night that I wouldn't dream of getting in the car today.

Being a single mum is exhausting. Being a single mum to a 4 month old is just, so hard.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/03/2019 07:31

Keep talking to the solicitor - and make the bellend who fathered your baby do the work. If he won't travel mid-week then he misses out. If he takes you to court, then the solicitor should be able to help you with that.

Things might have to be revisited later, when your DS is older; but for now, you shouldn't put yourselves at risk taking ridiculous journeys for next to no benefit to anyone, and significant potential detriment to both you and your son.

Skyejuly · 09/03/2019 08:21

My youngest was only 6mths old at the time!

Original poster
Badidas5 · 09/03/2019 08:22

In a heated text discussion about visitation, he said 'you're not cooperating with me. If this carries on this isn't going to end well. Do you want that?'

I'm trying to work out if it's a threat or not. This is how he makes me feel. Constantly on edge not knowing what he means or what he's going to do or say next.

OP posts:
Skyejuly · 09/03/2019 08:24

Yep cafcass are useless. We formally complained in the end but things like: lack of sleep/fuel money/routine disruption just didnt really play a part. That's all I am saying. There's mixed advice so I think being aware is good.

Original poster
Badidas5 · 09/03/2019 08:25

Skye the difference is that you had to do that once every 3 weeks. That's fine. I probably have a dinner or something like that that runs on late once a month. It's fine occasionally. 2 times a week/8 times a month is a significant amount and is enough for him to be confused about his routine. It would be detrimental. I still think they are entirely different scenarios.

OP posts:
Original poster
Badidas5 · 09/03/2019 08:26

Skye I do get what you're saying. You probably have more experience than me. Maybe I'm being naive. Im doubting everything I do at the moment

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 09/03/2019 08:27

Yes that text is a threat

Original poster
Badidas5 · 09/03/2019 08:29

Really? @slipperywhensparticus I thought maybe he meant it will end up in court. I just don't know how to decipher his words. I swear he sends me ominous messages like that on purpose.

OP posts:
RibenaMonsoon · 09/03/2019 08:31

Yes he is threatening you.
You're not cooperating with me = You aren't doing what I want. So I going to try to scare you into doing what I want.

What he wants isn't cooperation. If he wanted to cooperate he would be taking your side of things into the equation as well and compromising. That's what Co operation is.

Original poster
Badidas5 · 09/03/2019 08:34

It was more 'you're already being difficult so this isn't going to end well'

I don't know. Sounds to me like he's threatening court but it just doesn't feel right. I'm so tired of it.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/03/2019 08:35

Again you getting into huge dialogue with him. STOP!!!!

Just offer contact in your home town once at the weekend once during the week, he can take it or leave it. Grey rock - repeat the same offer like a broken record.

Original poster
Badidas5 · 09/03/2019 08:37

@RandomMess I wish you were a RL person who I could keep in my pocket 😥

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/03/2019 08:37

So what he can threaten court, it's his right to take you to court. All the more reason to establish that you are unable to travel to him 3 times a week whilst he makes zero effort!!!!

Original poster
Badidas5 · 09/03/2019 08:39

I'm scared that I can't afford it and will have to represent myself. I'm on SMP. I could never afford court. But because I'm employed I'm not eligible for legal aid

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/03/2019 08:40

Literally "I am not discussing this anymore, it is not working for DS. I can offer you x and y evenings in home town then Alternating Sat or Sunday at the weekends in home town"

Then ignore EVERYTHING until he confirms whether he wants contact today or tomorrow or just bloody tell him it's tomorrow if he's still dicking you around.

RandomMess · 09/03/2019 08:42

Before court there is mediation (you can insist on shuttle mediation) - court is a long way off!!!! You are being reasonable you are offering regular contact appropriate for DS age.

AnotherEmma · 09/03/2019 08:43

"I wish you were a RL person who I could keep in my pocket"

Well she is a real person and presumably you access Mumsnet via your phone which you can keep in your pocket... so your wish has been granted Smile

If your only income is SMP you can claim Universal Credit (this has replaced child tax credits which is what you would have been enetitled to before).

RandomMess · 09/03/2019 08:44

Is this deadbeat paying CNS calculated maintenance?

Original poster
Badidas5 · 09/03/2019 08:46

Nope he's not paying anything yet.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 09/03/2019 08:46

And if it comes to court you may be entitled to legal aid. Women's aid and Rights of women can advise on that.

AnotherEmma · 09/03/2019 08:47

Call CMS to get it set up then as we already advised.

GreenTulips · 09/03/2019 09:05

So you’re on maternity leave and he’s giving you nothing and your paying for several hours worth of petrol so he can see his child

Yet he works and is capable of driving

Come on

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.