Ex wants me to screw with sleep pattern so he gets visitation?

[Badidas5]

Separated from ex whilst I was pregnant. I live about 50 minutes away from him now. He was abusive emotionally towards me and I left. We have a son together and he obviously wants to see his son. He never gets home from work before 5. My son is now in a routine (he's 5 months old) and is always asleep between 7 and 8. I'm trying to explain that this is the pattern Our son is in naturally, and I've tried explaining this. He's just reached a point where he does the same thing every night. It's beneficial for me and a pattern that suits both of us.

He wants me to change his whole pattern so he gets longer with him on a weekday. I've said no, it's not beneficial to our son. I'm already travelling almost an hour there and about hour back for a short period of time so he can see him.

I'm close to just saying no and only doing weekend contact. He wants 2 evenings on a weekday and it just doesn't work. I've changed my working hours drastically to suit my son's needs. Taken a significant pay decrease so I can be there to pick him up and take him to nursery every day. He just says 'I finish at 5 sorry' - that's it.

What am I to do? AIBU? Should I really consider changing my son's whole routine

Baby steps- first you'll say yes but,

then it'll be not today

then it'll be no!

And saying no will become a nice, healthy habit.

Changed things as it made no sense!

Badidas5 how are things now?

Absolutely awful

Why what's happened?

I'm not talking to him. I'm realising more and more ho abusive he was. I've done a Clare's Law disclosure which I am waiting for. His ex has confirmed that he did the same to her, and that he's been physically violent to a previous partner. He's just contacted me to tell me I'm awful for not contacting him, that he's done nothing wrong (I think he genuinely thinks this) and that he's sure our son won't be happy when he's older to find out that I did this (aka he is going to bad mouth me to our son when he is older). He says this about his ex too. I'm so lost.

I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.

Detach, detach, detach.

Do not allow him headspace.

He can take you to court to sort out contact but he still will have no reason to be in direct contact with you. You can use Claire's Law to insist on a contact centre to start with and so on.

Be kind to yourself, enjoy your baby.

I'm so scared that he's threatening to tell my son bad things about me. I'm in tears typing this. I'm an amazing mum. I've never done anything bad to my son. I was even raising him by myself when me and my ex were still together. I've spent money I don't have on him, putting him in to the nursery I loved even though it's expensive and I'm now a single mum. He's clean, fed, dressed, happy and incredibly loved. He's my everything. The idea of his dad filling his head terrifies me. I hope the court will listen to this worry but I just don't trust the system at all. How dare he threaten to tell my son bad things about me

Don't you believe that you can bring up a fine young man that will see through his lies?

It is not "bad" for you to tell your son age appropriate truth throughout his childhood. Such as "your Dad was very unkind to me if I didn't do what he wanted"

I do believe that. I am just tired of his threats. I really can't stand him. I'm so sad he has to be in my son's life at all.

This is why you need to block him so you don't even read any more of his sh*t.

The only reason I haven't blocked him is because he's showing his true colours and as much as it's hurting me, it's helping me realise why I left. I'm just not engaging at all.

Even IF he says anything to your son (I firmly believe it's highly unlikely he'll even be around in your lives when your son is old enough to understand him) your son will KNOW that you are/were a good mum no matter what he says.

My ex has tried this on occasion and this was when my dd was much younger and she still saw through it.

Kids aren't stupid, they know who loves them, they know who's there for them.

Honestly please don't worry about that, I truly believe he's only saying it BECAUSE he knows it will upset you. Don't give him any indication it has worked.

I would not be at all surprised if you were to learn he has quite a history of abusing partners.

Honestly if it wouldn't be open to false allegations I'd be all for a sort of "trip advisor" for exs!

@Graphista thank you. One can only hope

Your son will know the truth about you, so don’t worry.

You are a single mother with a baby under six months old, nursing, AND working. There is zero reason you should be traveling to him. Let him come to you. Don’t travel there, don’t meet him halfway. If he cannot be bothered to come, he’s not committed to a relationship with his son, it’s mostly about controlling you.

Ensure in any communication that you are open to him seeing your son, so that if it does go to court, there is a paper trail proving you are open to facilitating the relationship.

@Halo84 that's what I was doing, but he became even more abusive. I've been told to not facilitate any contact as I'm high risk for more abuse. SS/solicitor have both said that it could go very badly against me in court if i DO see him without any safeguards in place.

Can you see him at your mother’s home? Surely it would not be an issue if you meet in a police officer’s home? Plus, what’s the risk of him being abusive in front of others?

I suspect if he needs to travel, visits will be kept to a minimum by him.

My mother lives 3 hours away so that's not possible. I've been advised not to see him at all. He's been abusing me. I feel sick and very scared in his presence. It's not all about him being abusive in front of others. He frightens me. Should I have to sit in a room with him?

No, you should not. What do they tell you about his access to your son? Does he know where you live?

Not sure why @Halo84 thinks it's helpful to suggest going against Solicitor and SS advice, but I think you are doing the right thing, and the fact that they are telling you to do something which actually means you don't have to be with him, that's a bonus.

Hang in there

I’m not suggesting she go against professional advice. I assumed she wanted him to see the son.

Listen to Ss/your solicitor. You’ve started down the right road. Stay strong. Don’t listen to him or let him get inside your head. He won’t be able to turn your son against you- you’ve a shed load of his messages you could show him in the future proving what a bully he was.. don’t worry about it.

Definitely do not see him, offer contact in a contact centre if that's possible so you can be seen to be offering safe contact while protecting yourself and DS (from witnessing) abuse

Out of interest, did you move before or after DS was born? Because if before then you didn't move away as DS would have always lived where you are living now.

Definitely not up to you to be doing the running and you certainly shouldn't be disrupting bedtime routine. The fact that you have a little one who settles at a regular time each night at such a young age is fantastic - don't do anything to change that!
It's totally up to him to make the effort!

Listen to your solicitors. Do not allow contact now without proper court processes. Let cafcass investigate risks and welfare of your child and judge decide.

If you allow contact you are saying that despite what you know now you are satisfied that's an acceptable risk to your child.

Let him take you to court.