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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to want child to have his surname?

376 replies

Jess499427 · 09/02/2019 20:23

Hi all

I am pregnant with my first baby, due in June. Me and DH are married but I didn’t take his surname. There were a few reasons (practicality/effort of changing my name, I quite like my name, and I’ve had it my whole life so would feel strange to change it), but the main reason was that DH’s surname is very unusual and when hearing it for the first time, people often laugh.

We have discussed baby names but have got stuck on the surname. DH is keen for baby to have his surname and I am keen for her NOT to have his surname. I feel like it’s unfair to inflict the name (it is quite awful, it’s hard to describe without actually saying what it is) on a brand new person! I have suggested that she could have my name, we could choose a new name, we could all have a new name... but he is adamant.

AIBU? We are both being quite stubborn. Should I give in? One of us will have to!

OP posts:
Jackshouse · 09/02/2019 20:25

Can DH not take your name? Or DH go double -barrelled and the baby have the double-barrelled surname?

hidinginthenightgarden · 09/02/2019 20:26

If people laugh when they hear it then no! Was he picked on for it at school? If so, that is a reason alone for not giving his name.

Bubastes · 09/02/2019 20:27

YANBU.

I think your reasons are sound. If he's determined for the baby to have his surname tell him it's double barrel or nothing, at least giving your child the chance to drop the embarrassing name if it becomes an issue for them.

BurtTyrannosaurusMacklin · 09/02/2019 20:27

You absolutely should not give in, regardless of the level of ridiculousness involved in his name. It is your baby too, in fact you are doing the vast majority of work in bringing the child into the world and are quite possibly likely to be the primary caregiver too, why should his name take precedence just because he has a penis? Fuck that shit.

user139328237 · 09/02/2019 20:31

I can't actually believe the above posters think he should change his name because of other peoples thoughts on it.
The baby should either have his name or a double barrel of both of your names really especially as his name is unusual and therefore it probably means more to him that the name continues to the next generation.

Bubastes · 09/02/2019 20:32

The baby should either have his name or a double barrel of both of your names

Twaddle.

user139328237 · 09/02/2019 20:34

Honestly would some of you not have a child with a man with ginger hair or a different skin colour because it might lead to bullying or is it only acceptable to give in to bullies when it comes to names?

Hoplittlebunnies · 09/02/2019 20:34

The baby should either have his name or a double barrel of both of your names or your name

Fixed this for you Wink

Original poster
Jess499427 · 09/02/2019 20:34

DH has refused to take my name, he said because at work (military) he is known by a nickname based on his surname.

Re: double barrelling- I feel like that would be just as bad as outright using his name, because I’m trying to avoid the use of his name at all and if we double barrelled it would still be there! How do they work in practice? For example if baby was known as firstname DHsurname mysurname (no hyphen) can they drop part of it in certain forums (school, GP etc)?

He says he wasn’t bullied at school but I think his sister was.

OP posts:
Bubastes · 09/02/2019 20:36

Why are some people so obsessed with babies being given the father's name? They seem so personally offended at any other suggestion.

Original poster
Jess499427 · 09/02/2019 20:36

User - my name is even more unusual than his- he tried that argument and we googled it, haha

OP posts:
FiveRedBricks · 09/02/2019 20:37

Use his surname as a middle name and your name as her official surname. Absolutely do not give her just his surname if you do not have his surname.

Aeonium · 09/02/2019 20:38

If it’s an embarrassing surname along the lines of Cockburn, Twitt, Cundick, then I definitely would not inflict it on my baby! Let it die out with DH. He’s selfish if he wants to give his child a humiliating name just to be named after him.

user139328237 · 09/02/2019 20:38

His name is part of him. You wouldn't like it if he told you to die your hair or to get a nose job so stop trying to get him to disassociate with his name which is just as much a part of him as your hair or nose.

ThatThingYouDo · 09/02/2019 20:39

I would not give my child any surname that wasn't mine or part mine (double barrelled). You will be open to a whole host of issues if you split up.

Bubastes · 09/02/2019 20:40

You do realise the OP is talking about their child's name? Nothing to do with her partner's appearance? It's just that you seem confused.

user139328237 · 09/02/2019 20:40

If both partners wish the child to have their name double barrelling with a hyphen is the logical choice. If one parent doesn't want a double barrelled name it should be that parent whose name is dropped or used as a middle name.

ThatThingYouDo · 09/02/2019 20:40

And certainly not an embarrassing name at that!

DangerousBeanz · 09/02/2019 20:41

I was in exactly the same position, my dh has a ridiculous surname.But the difference was we hadn't yet got married when dd was born, although we had every intention of doing so.
I was determined she wouldn't have his name and I wasn't taking it either. He was determined we should.
I pointed out he could either accept that wasn't going to happen with good grave or I'd just register the birth without him. He conceded.

I know it sound like I was a complete cow, but I was a teacher at the time and I know what kids are like, the make would have been a constant source of mirth and bullying and I refused to inflict that on a child.
She's happy with my name, he's happy with it too, and as he pointed out after he'd settled with the idea we could have made get go through hell at school and she'd have changed it as soon as she got married anyway.

user139328237 · 09/02/2019 20:42

@bubastes
Literally the first replying was a poster telling the OP to get him to change his name and subsequent posts have made it clear that the OP has tried to convince him to do so. His name is just as much a part of him as his appearance.

Bubastes · 09/02/2019 20:43

The OP's concern is for her child and how her child will cope with this name. No one is taking her DP's name from him. He's free to carry on having his awful surname,

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 09/02/2019 20:43

I'm an old fashion one when it comes to names.

It should be DHs or double barrel

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 09/02/2019 20:44

Is it Shufflebottom?

In which case I’m totally with you!

Merrymumoftwo · 09/02/2019 20:45

Is the child not his too?

ThatThingYouDo · 09/02/2019 20:45

Bubastes

He's free to carry on having his awful surname

Grin