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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to want child to have his surname?

376 replies

Jess499427 · 09/02/2019 20:23

Hi all

I am pregnant with my first baby, due in June. Me and DH are married but I didn’t take his surname. There were a few reasons (practicality/effort of changing my name, I quite like my name, and I’ve had it my whole life so would feel strange to change it), but the main reason was that DH’s surname is very unusual and when hearing it for the first time, people often laugh.

We have discussed baby names but have got stuck on the surname. DH is keen for baby to have his surname and I am keen for her NOT to have his surname. I feel like it’s unfair to inflict the name (it is quite awful, it’s hard to describe without actually saying what it is) on a brand new person! I have suggested that she could have my name, we could choose a new name, we could all have a new name... but he is adamant.

AIBU? We are both being quite stubborn. Should I give in? One of us will have to!

OP posts:
goldengummybear · 09/02/2019 22:38

We had this problem and both changed to a new name.

What does your h think of his surname?

JenFromTheGlen · 09/02/2019 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nombrecambio · 09/02/2019 22:43

And the OP's name might mean something to her.

MamaDane · 09/02/2019 22:44

Why does "it means something to him" outweigh "it means something to her AND there's potential of the child being mocked"? @JenFromTheGlen

JenFromTheGlen · 09/02/2019 22:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nombrecambio · 09/02/2019 22:50

When I was born my parents didn't have a choice between brunette and ginger.

They did have a choice over my surname.

Bubastes · 09/02/2019 22:52

So presumably, by the same logic we shouldn’t allow ourselves to have ginger children?

Presumably yourself and logic are not overly well acquainted.

I wouldn't want a name that raised so much as a quickly hidden smirk. That's not giving into bullies.

Hillarious · 09/02/2019 22:56

I grew up with Smellies and Crappers. All big personalities.

Does anyone remember Randy Vanwarmer?

Alanna1 · 09/02/2019 22:57

I know three families where the children have the mother’s surname because the father’s surname is poor. I think it’s totally fine. I would say that. It’s useful to put the other name in as a middle name, potentially, but it’s hardly essential.

Underhisi · 09/02/2019 23:01

I had an awful maiden name. I was glad to get rid of it when I married.

Scaredofskiing · 09/02/2019 23:04

My maiden name rhymed (almost if you're a teenager anyway) with another word for masturbation! I was glad to get rid of it. Though my new surname is my much better.

Maybe you could pick a name at random and deed poll. So you all have the same name.

StoppinBy · 09/02/2019 23:12

Looking at it from his point of view, I would be upset if my children did not share my last name and I imagine he is too, yes I know that when they grow up and marry they will likely change their last name but that is different in my view than growing up with a different last name.

Admittedly when we married I did change my last name but I think the compromise here would be for the two of you to decide what your shared married name is so that your child can share it's last name with both of you otherwise neither of you will be happy, other than that you will need to compromise on your stance of having a double barrelled last name for your child/ren, embarrassing or not the father also has a say in your child's last name.

ADropofReality · 09/02/2019 23:30

*I was on the fence until I saw that people laughed at his name.

In my lifetime I've known a Dicks, a Hoare, a Cox. Horrid bloody names, no idea why successive generations insisted on inflicting it onto poor others.*

In my lifetime I've also known people by all three of these surnames. Not one of them was embarrassed by them and, because the rest of us were not 2-year-olds, we didn't go into a room with them and go "Fnarr, fnarr, Mr Cox". We were fucking grown ups and none of them had any reason to be embarrassed by their names. And so shouldn't they have been. What a disgraceful sentiment. Why don't we all come round your house one day and laugh at you for something?

WineIsMyMainVice · 09/02/2019 23:34

I had exactly the same dilemma! My DH hates double barrelled, and I didn’t want to have a different name to my DC. In the end, I double barrelled my name but the DC have his name. I don’t really like it but that’s how it is.
Sorry i know this doesn’t really help you. I guess what I’m saying is that in the grand scheme of things, as long as you are all happy and healthy, that’s the main thing....

DragonKiller · 09/02/2019 23:42

My DDs have my name. Not because DP's surname is awful but because I wanted them to have mine and DP didn't mind either way. Both of his brother's kids have their family surname but my sister's DC have taken their dad's names so it also works in the sense of keeping our surname going.
For those of you saying DH's or double barrelled, why?

emilybrontescorsett · 10/02/2019 00:07

Don't inflict an awful name on your child op.on
I've stepchildren crying over their unfortunate surnames.
One I could never u understand why she was given that name as her mum had a much nicer surname.
It's all well and good saying people should stop bullying but don't let your child have to deal with this.
Stuck to your guns. Give your child your name and be honest with your dh as to why.

emilybrontescorsett · 10/02/2019 00:08

Seen children crying.

PaintingOwls · 10/02/2019 00:10

ADropofReality

You can come around and laugh at my disability of you like Wink plenty of others have.

In the real world nobody wants to go through life called Mrs Dicks, but I'm sure that your circles are sooo progressive and better than everyone else.

GummyGoddess · 10/02/2019 00:22

It isn't about DH's feelings though, it's about his child's. If there was something that was likely to get your child teased but you could take away that ammunition, why wouldn't you?

YouBumder · 10/02/2019 00:28

Mrs Titcum

Omfg Grin

OP does he agree that his surname is terrible? If it really is please don’t inflict it on your daughter. Even if it’s not he’s got no more right for the baby to have his name than you do

SemperIdem · 10/02/2019 00:30

ADrop

One of those surnames was mine, the version you mention was the 3rd amendment to it original. It is painful having such a surname. I assume your name is something “historical” like Smith. So also painless.

BertrandRussell · 10/02/2019 00:38

“view, I would be upset if my children did not share my last name and I imagine he is too”

It’s something women have been doing for generations. But hey ho, poor old men,

adrienneJ · 10/02/2019 00:59

Personally I couldn't imagine any of my kids not having their fathers name as their his kids and I'm his wife. I shared my fathers name until he gave me away to my husband.

I guess I'm a bit traditional or else whats the point in anyone changing any name. I like the fact that we share his family name under his household. And before anyone comes on and says 'oh dear how patriarchial' no that doesn't have to mean that he somehow rules the roost as thats not the case nor does it have to be.

Its more a case of we're taken care of under his care and his name, I'd hate to think he felt like we or I should take care of him even that is a bit gender bias. I guess it depends whether DH is proud of his family name but to take away what would be considered his (and your) childs family name I can imagine would be rather insulting and something you need to consider seriously between you both.

Not that its right but there are still lots of folk who as soon as they see the kids without the fathers name will automatically think 'hmm another fatherless child' as people will always judge without knowing the situation.

Bubastes · 10/02/2019 01:03

I shared my fathers name until he gave me away to my husband

So much to unpick here.

pineapplebryanbrown · 10/02/2019 01:46

Oh fucking hell - am I in Kansas Toto?