AIBU not to want child to have his surname?

[Jess499427]

Hi all

I am pregnant with my first baby, due in June. Me and DH are married but I didn’t take his surname. There were a few reasons (practicality/effort of changing my name, I quite like my name, and I’ve had it my whole life so would feel strange to change it), but the main reason was that DH’s surname is very unusual and when hearing it for the first time, people often laugh.

We have discussed baby names but have got stuck on the surname. DH is keen for baby to have his surname and I am keen for her NOT to have his surname. I feel like it’s unfair to inflict the name (it is quite awful, it’s hard to describe without actually saying what it is) on a brand new person! I have suggested that she could have my name, we could choose a new name, we could all have a new name... but he is adamant.

AIBU? We are both being quite stubborn. Should I give in? One of us will have to!

My sister has..
Name
Middle name
Dads name as 2nd middle name
Mums surname

She doesn't use her dad's name in everyday, just on the important documents

My Dad’s original surname was bloody awful, thankfully he thought so too. So when he and Mum married they chose a whole new family name together and we all took that. It’s one way round it.

I can understand in certain circumstances why you would not want to land a child with an awful surname especially if you have kept your maiden name. You both created the baby but you are doing the main work in carrying it inside you for 9 months and giving birth so in my view that trumps his male pride of the baby taking his name. Double barrelled names are ridiculous. Lots of wives these days don't take their husbands names and some are not married anyway. So many other things to make a fuss about. If the baby is a girl she will possibly only keep her name until married anyway.

Pick a new name.

That's what we did. We didn't want to give either of our names so we picked a new name.

So many choices to pick a last name that has meaning- place names, other people's last names (historical figures, artists, musicians), meaningful nouns/adjectives. So many choices and you can pick one that flows nicely with the first and middle name.

We have had zero problems with having dc with a different surname. And we have met a handful of people doing the same and I think this trend will grow with time as people want to fully customise and personalise their baby's name.

YANBU. Stick to your surname or you all have a new name. Your DD will likely thank you.

I had a teacher at school called Mrs Titcum. She pronounced it tight-com can't believe you'd ever take a married name like that!

Agreed, Funkyfunky. It’s like the 1840s just called.

would automatically assume your child was not your husbands and that he was a step father.

But people manage to assume women with different surnames are the mother 🤔

I work with a bloke whose surname is
Ramsbottom.

Unlike your dh, he decided to put his kids before himself & his family pride - they have his wife’s much nicer surname!

We are married and kept our names. For the children we used both surnames, unhyphenated. Mine acts as an unused middle name. It means that I get called Mrs DH at school/doctors. I relented because it mattered more to DH than me and I knew I did not need any additional connection to my children.

I had a teacher at school called Mrs Titcum

Tit would be very bad, Cum would be awful. But Titcum resides in its own horror category.

@Patchworkpatty that doesn't have to be true. I have my mum's surname and my dad was never confused as the step-dad. I'm also carrying twins and they are getting my DP's (female) surname. Supposedly I would be "left out" because they had her surname? Ridiculous. You just need to tell people once if anything. Why would that hurt me? Should the child rather be mocked than potentially hurt his father's pride? Nonsense.
Always think of the kid first.

OP. Of course YANBU to have a frank discussion as to whether the child takes your name or DH’s. This is the 21st C and the surname doesn’t have to automatically be the father’s.

However YABVVVU to try to decide this on the grounds your DH’s "surname is very unusual and when hearing it for the first time, people often laugh". Your DH’s name is his name, for whatever reason he might want to pass it to his child. “Ha ha your name’s stupid” is not going to be a trump card for you against your DH in this discussion.

As for those saying they were very sorry for other people who had names like “Hoare” or “Dick”; get out of the school playground. Don't be sorry. Names are names and are often historical. The problem lies with childish bullies not our names.

His name is part of him.

And OP's name is part of her. No one would be making that argument if she had deided to take his name when they married, just because it's traditional in this pateriacal society.

I continued to use my maiden name until DC came along and started school. It was just easier to use the same surname as them. At first I really hated it and felt I'd lost my individuality but after 27 years of marriage, I suppose I've got used to it. Sometimes I look back and I'm sad I didn't stick out for it as a middle name for the DC, though.

If the DC are really going to get teased then I think you are going to have to keep talking and exploring both your feelings.

As for those saying they were very sorry for other people who had names like “Hoare” or “Dick”; get out of the school playground.

You can't control how other people perceive a name. That's kind of the point. Besides, the OP's child will be spending many years in a school playground.

YABU

If the baby is a girl she will possibly only keep her name until married anyway

Again with the sexism. She might not get married and she might not change her name and she might get married aged 45. This is all so ridiculous.

I had an email yesterday from a professional with the surname Dick.
Why wouldn’t you change that? It’s awful.

Exh has an unusual surname which DD has. Not horrendous but people tend to laugh when you first say it. DD has recently changed her known as name at school as kids were picking on her for it. Exh wasn’t happy but why would you keep a name that kids pick on? His Auntie dropped part of the surname years ago for the same reason.

Hold your ground.

I wish my (in fairness very young at the time of marrying) mother had held hers and not taken my dad’s appalling surname much less registered me with it.

By the time I started school, the spelling had been slightly amended, by the time I reach high school it had been entirely changed, by 16 legally changed. The sound didn’t change though so the jokes and comments were never far away.

I took my daughter’s father’s name when we married without a second thought. I’m interested as to whether my male cousins fiancé takes his name. I sincerely hope not. It needs to die out.

An acquaintance's American boyfriend had the surname 'Bumgardner' - is it as bad as that?

I know someone in this exact situation so they chose a new name together. Starting a new family with a new name. It's very cool.

I'd pick Wilde as the new family name. I love it.

She's just correct full stop Japanese.

If it's that bad, don't do it OP.
I was given my dad's surname at birth, it's an unfortunate one that's been mentioned already on the thread Not Shufflebottom.

They separated and my mum changed my name to her surname just before I started primary school. I am SO pleased, even now adults snigger when I have to give the previous name on forms 🙄

My DH has never been confused as a stepdad. If either of us takes the kids to an appointment we get asked "are you Mum/dad" and we reply "yes" and no one gives a molecule of shit what surnames we have.

I gave my children my name because I have seen too many women end up being called Mrs hisname by the school etc and end up changing their names because everyone expects them to have the same name as the child. I would stick to your guns and give the child your name.