AIBU not to want child to have his surname?

[Jess499427]

Hi all

I am pregnant with my first baby, due in June. Me and DH are married but I didn’t take his surname. There were a few reasons (practicality/effort of changing my name, I quite like my name, and I’ve had it my whole life so would feel strange to change it), but the main reason was that DH’s surname is very unusual and when hearing it for the first time, people often laugh.

We have discussed baby names but have got stuck on the surname. DH is keen for baby to have his surname and I am keen for her NOT to have his surname. I feel like it’s unfair to inflict the name (it is quite awful, it’s hard to describe without actually saying what it is) on a brand new person! I have suggested that she could have my name, we could choose a new name, we could all have a new name... but he is adamant.

AIBU? We are both being quite stubborn. Should I give in? One of us will have to!

"Given that 96% of children still take on their fathers name it is in fact very traditional, to the point its almost engrained."

Please, what is that sentence supposed to mean? Just because something happens now, or is widespread , it doesn't make it traditional. You can't re-write what actually happened in the past.

I don't think the figure of 96% is from a serious study . So far as I can discover (it is cited in an article in the Daily Telegraph published 29/7/2015), it comes from Baby Names Centre. I've not looked at that site before, but am not impressed. For instance, today, Baby Names Centre displays a list headed 'Top Baby Names of 2018' - but the only official, accurate government statistics won't be published until the autumn of 2019. It also offers parents the option to consider the choice of babies' names using - for heaven's sake - numerology.

Fake history is just as bad as fake news.

She would have to justify it because the child is both of theirs and if both parents are present and there is dispute I think you'll find the family name of the father will be favoured or a hyphenated one secondly as this is the most common way and therefore in the best interest of the child not just 'what the mother wants.

This is quite a significant backtrack on what you originally said Adrienne. You're now throwing the use of both names in there, which as someone who's actually practiced family law (which you clearly haven't) I agree is the most likely outcome when there's a dispute.

But what you initially said is that the mother would have to show good reason not to name the child in the traditional patriarchal way. Ie, not use of both surnames. You were wrong. You invented that. You clearly know you were wrong because you're now trying to say something else.

Given that 96% of children still take on their fathers name it is in fact very traditional, to the point its almost engrained.

Except even if this stat is correct, as over 40% of children are born to unmarried parents now, at the very least there will be a significant minority of this supposed 96% whose parent aren't married. Children of unmarried parents taking the father's name rather than the mother's is not traditional. Those couples are making untraditional naming choices.

Again Adrienne, you are entitled to think what you want about the desirability of various naming practices, but learn some law and history before telling us what would happen in various legal circumstances and what's traditional.

Little things like facts are disposable when you’re hell bent on tying yourself in knots to defend the patriarchy against the evils of feminism.

I think a child should have their mothers surname. The reasons why are irrelevant.

I bet Adrienne's married name is Clunge.

Anyway... It’s hard to know what to suggest here as we don’t know how bad the name actually is. If it’s horrendous, he probably feels like he’s lived with it this far and has become used to shuning negative reactions to it, such as yours OP. This may be part of your problem here - his digging his heels in and switching off when it comes to taunts about his name have become a defensive mechanism for him. He’s coped all his life, why should you, his wife, start scorning his name now, when he’s probably got to a point in life when he doesn’t care?

I mean, how bad is it, on a scale of 1:10?

Also, I think it’s fine to take your DH’s name because it’s traditional, if that’s what you want to do. This is just the way some couples are and I don’t think they should be scorned, any more than anyone else. There are all kinds of dynamics within relationships and that’s ok. I took DH’s name because it felt like the right thing to do. If it was showing respect for him, then I’m ok with that as long as it works both ways. If he did have the expectation I would take his name, I can live with that as I’m aware I have certain expectations of him as well. I’m not religious, but billions are and what can you do? It takes all sorts in the world. By the same token, I do object to single mums being told they have made “evil” choices somewhere. Come on Adrienne - you must know better than that?

I can’t really rate how bad the name is... i can just say it’s not rude but people do laugh at it, and DHs sister still has people laugh at it now as an adult (in a way which she finds offensive). So given the choice I would rather preemptively protect my future child from having a name that people will laugh at.

Brb, teleporting to 1857 so I can learn how to “respect my man”

I do object to single mums being told they have made “evil” choices somewhere. shock Come on Adrienne - you must know better than that?

Nah. She's a surrendered wife who's apparently also surrendered her decency.

Single mothers also made bad choices which is how they became single parents in the first place according to adrienne

If a name provokes laughter or ridicule why would any parent want to inflict it on their child? I know a Mr Hoare, whose wife and children do not have his surname. Sometimes you just know it makes sense to let a name fizzle out!

If you're both equally stubborn you may have to compromise with a double-barrelled surname (or at best hide his surname as a middle name).

As for the principle or tradition of the father's name being used ... personally I don't think that carries any weight whatsoever. Lots of traditions have died a good death. And yes my three children have my surname, not my husband's.

One of my closest friends is going to have this issue. I even wondered if it was her posting but dates don't work!
Her husbands name starts with a slang name for a mans penis. It's not a good name (Italian I believe)
She is being very stubborn and told her DH over her dead body. I feel for Dad, but come on, you can't do that to the poor kid!

I don't believe for one moment 96% take the man's name. I dont believe the stats back that and my own experience would suggest the polar opposite. Especially amongst married professionals in their 30s where only one in my social circle stuck with so called tradition.

Imo in this age of divorce where by far the vast majority of of children live with their mums and regrettably many father dont bother their arses, its only common sense that children should have their mums name by default.

Yes I do dislike traditional masculinity. It's not a coincidence that the vast majority of violence in this world is committed by men. It isn't something to be prized.

Do you know what Adrienne I saw your massive post and managed to read maybe three lines before seeing it just more rubbish that's not worth the screen space its taking.

So I stopped reading it

My husbands workmates surname is Cock. They have their surname on their uniform aswell .

I did ask oh not long ago if that might be the reason he and his longtime gf hadn't got married yet

How about double barring the name with his nickname?

What it boils down to is, whether you like it or not; the family name as a means to identify children of their fathers has played a role in our tradition for generations. It is these roles, traditions, and common practices that make up, and which constitute the foundations on which we base society.
If you somehow think that you hold a special place in society, in which you are somehow absolved from having to conform to the normalities and traditions of the rest of us then you will divert from the norm as you are free to do so. To us as individuals it’s just a name, of course it is, and it’s not in any way a big deal, you’re still getting all the rights and privileges you expect from society whether you contribute or not; but you’re also teaching your child by way of example that they too should hold a special place in our society and regardless of the structures those people value, that they don’t need to follow them if their feelings might suffer as a consequence. Its only obvious to see, the growing number of those growing up and having such a hard time when they realise they’re not that special after all. Life isn’t always fair, and the more we only think about ourselves, the more the future generations will suffer. It’s not always about you or how you feel. We sometimes have to do things we don’t like doing.
I’m sorry if people don’t like that or if it hurts their feelings but the sooner people realise that it’s this victimhood culture of being scared to hurt anyone’s feelings that is the problem, the sooner everyone’s life will improve for the better, that’s not a bad thing to want.

’I’m sorry if people don’t like that or if it hurts their feelings but the sooner people realise that it’s this victimhood culture of being scared to hurt anyone’s feelings that is the problem’

So you agree. The OP should stick to her guns and not worry that her partner’s silly male pride is being hurt.

I knew you’d finally unshackle yourself and see the light!

How does not following a tradition mean that you think you occupy a special place in society? How silly!

Look, adrienne, in the nicest possible way, it's clear from your posts - insofar as it's possible to read them, as they are quite garbled -- that you are a fearful, conformist reactionary who thinks the status quo is somehow sacred, rather than the inglorious remains of patriarchal socialisation.

You're terrified of what people think of you, you're afraid that, were you to use your own name after marriage and give it to your children, you would be assumed to be an Unmarried Mother, or your children to be from a Broken Home, and you have a lot of under-researched, under-thought ideas about the importance of marriage and male pride, and giving in to men. You also seem terribly afraid of men.

Life isn’t always fair, and the more we only think about ourselves, the more the future generations will suffer. It’s not always about you or how you feel. We sometimes have to do things we don’t like doing.

Absolutely, life isn't always fair and we end up doing things we don't like, but that's entirely irrelevant to this thread, which is about giving your children their father's name even if said name is Shitsandwich -- that great thing about naming your children is that, bar some rules about avoiding obscenities etc, you can name your children absolutely whatever you like. The OP's descendants will assuredly not suffer if her name or a double-barrelled name is passed down.

but you’re also teaching your child by way of example that they too should hold a special place in our society and regardless of the structures those people value, that they don’t need to follow them if their feelings might suffer as a consequence

Again, you are vastly inflating the importance to our society of passing on the father's name. Who values passing on the father's name? I certainly don't. Large number of posters on the thread don't. Large numbers of other cultures don't. Spanish society has not fallen apart because people tend to use their mother's first surname and their father's first surname.

And absolutely, I will be teaching my child that there is absolutely no need to adhere to outdated 'traditions'.

YANBU OP.

I know someone who took the surname Cockhead on marriage and then inflicted it on her sons when they were born. So teenage boys walking around with that surname, why oh why would you do it to them?!

Adrienne you keep banging on about how people's feeling don't matter. Well that's fine then, the op should do what she wants because his feelings don't matter.
But no what you actually mean is womens feelings doesn't matter.

You have chosen to live you life in a way that's rapidly becoming very weird to the rest of society. So you lash out. Blame the single mothers and other women.
Society has changed and will continue to change. People like you will be extremely rare.

Can you explain how future generations will suffer if children don’t have (only) their fathers’ names?

Or what rights and privileges in your mind should only go to those who ‘conform’ by taking their father’s or husband’s name?

but you’re also teaching your child by way of example that they too should hold a special place in our society and regardless of the structures those people value, that they don’t need to follow them if their feelings might suffer as a consequence.

I get that you probably feel threatened and insecure due to the fact (stats quoted above) that an increasingly large proportion of society don’t value those discriminatory patriarchal structures, and as such don’t particularly value the remnant traditions such as name changing on marriage that were associated with them. I’m really sorry your feelings are hurt by this.

zod1ac19 omg I'm in hysterics over that.
Who in their right mind would ever inflict that on anyone.
Cockhead!!! 😬😬😬
Wow, just wow.