AIBU not to want child to have his surname?

[Jess499427]

Hi all

I am pregnant with my first baby, due in June. Me and DH are married but I didn’t take his surname. There were a few reasons (practicality/effort of changing my name, I quite like my name, and I’ve had it my whole life so would feel strange to change it), but the main reason was that DH’s surname is very unusual and when hearing it for the first time, people often laugh.

We have discussed baby names but have got stuck on the surname. DH is keen for baby to have his surname and I am keen for her NOT to have his surname. I feel like it’s unfair to inflict the name (it is quite awful, it’s hard to describe without actually saying what it is) on a brand new person! I have suggested that she could have my name, we could choose a new name, we could all have a new name... but he is adamant.

AIBU? We are both being quite stubborn. Should I give in? One of us will have to!

I could also imagine his family being very upset, plus him being teased let's say.

Why would he be teased? What absolute patriarchal sexist crap!! And if anyone 'teased' someone for their marital decision they need to grow up.

... but it's only ever women who have silly names 🤔

Is he taking HER feelings into consideration? Why must women compromise more than men?

My 2 DS’s have my surname, we weren’t married then but are now and I’ve kept my surname. My DH wasn’t particularly attached to his last name as it was his step dad’s name and step dad’s family never really included him, his name is also harder to spell and say. I’m very attached to my surname, big family and we like them to feel they belong.

My DB & DSIL chose a new name when they had their first baby (not married then, are now)

His surname as a middle name and yours as last name is what I’d aim for if his name will definitely result in name calling, if it won’t then double barrelled.

DH name could be a never used ‘middle’ name? Or he can double barrel? Our kids have my DWs surname not mine.

If you are married then the baby will have his surname, unless you agree to compromise. I always order pizza under the surname of Robinson, I also have horrible surname (I will never forgive my parents for not naming me with my mothers maiden surname which is awesome) It’s a man thing with the name, don’t really get it? It’s not the Victorian age anymore

Pick a new one. My surname was shite, so was DH's, so we picked a new one.

I disliked my surname and it was commented on regularly until I married, even the head of school made a stupid remark to me about it when I was about eight. It isn’t a ridiculous name, my son really liked it. I wouldn’t have minded the name it if our ancestors had kept the original spelling. I am now divorced and I have kept my exH”s name because I didn’t want to change back to my original name.

It’s only a name and your DH should want his children to be proud and like their name, not be ridiculed because of it.

YANBU OP and you can be adamant and refuse just as much as your DH.

My neighbour's son was bullied so badly over his surname, they ended using her surname instead. Could have saved a lot of pain doing that from the start.

If you are married then the baby will have his surname, unless you agree to compromise.

Nope. Absolutely not! If you are married, the baby will have whatever surname you choose. It will be labelled [baby mothersurname] at birth.

Nonsense, japanese. The parents being married in no way decides which of its parents’ surnames a child has.

This will be tough for him because so many people, especially men, have old-fashioned views about this.
Use his name as a second middle name.
Also ask his sister what she thinks and see if she'll have a word with him and explain that it made her uncomfortable.

I would either double barrel, or make his surname a middle name. My youngest has a different surname to my eldest and i, so on all the school forms etc she is listed to be known by my surname. Which was my married surname but shen that broke down there was no way in hell i was going back to my shitty maiden name. Husbands name as middle name or doible barrelled, then they can go through school known by yours, then when they reach adulthood they can choose.

A friend of mine's husband took her name because his name was awful. Now I can't remember what it was but when she told me 10 years ago or so, I agreed they had done the right thing. His family probably weren't too happy.

You are correct but not technically correct. And I rarely give legal advice for free 😊

Nothing wrong with baby having your name! The hospital go by the mother’s surname when you’re there.

YANBU. You've offered lots of alternatives, he's refused to consider anything except baby having his name.

In your shoes I'd give baby his name as a middle name and use yours. (I loved the idea of creating our own surname and wanted to do that when I married DH, but he wasn't keen, so he took mine.)

Just use yours. I have my mum's lastname.
My brother took his wife's lastname and their son also has her lastname.
No one thinks weird of it here.

You carry the baby for 9 months, I think you should make the call on lastnames.

Could you use DH's name as a middle name? So it would be BabyName (MiddleNameIfYou'reUsingOne) DHName YourName. Then legally they would only have to use BabyName YourName but if DH wanted to he could tell his family the full name, and he & your DC use the full name if they chose to?

FWIW, DH & I meshed our surnames upon marriage as his was pretty embarrassing, especially with our DC's first initial. Some websites wouldn't let you use the surname within a username as it contains a swear. Plus neither of us particularly liked my very popular & boring surname.

Threads like this always make me wonder whether I have been transported back in time.
How can those of you saying it has to be the dad's name be so dumb? Do you genuinely think that just because someone is a man that a child (and a woman) must automatically take their name? If you can give a sensible rational explanation for it, I am all ears. Not willing to listen to 'it's traditional' (well, so is women not having the right to vote or work).

Is it Willey? It's Willey, isn't it?

I can understand your DH . A child or Ms Smith and Mr Shufflebottom called Miss/Mstr Smith would mean that everyone (school , Drs , any 'authority ' that doesn't know you well) would automatically assume your child was not your husbands and that he was a step father.
This is an awful thing for an expectant parent to be facing.
Your child is equally his. Double barrelling is the only fair answer.

I knew a kid whose surname was Crapper when I was younger, he really, really wished his mother had given him her(or indeed any other) surname.

I let myself be bullied into giving my first child a name I hated (his first and middle names, not a surname) and I bitterly regret it. Unfortunately in this kind of situation, someone has to either compromise or back down entirely. If your child is likely to suffer because of the name, I would stand my ground and offer the awful name as a middle name, but I honestly don't know what I'd do if he wouldn't accept that. Would you just register the birth without him and go ahead? Or would he? (I didn't attend to register my last two children, my husband did it).

Is it Hoare?

I was on the fence until I saw that people laughed at his name.

In my lifetime I've known a Dicks, a Hoare, a Cox. Horrid bloody names, no idea why successive generations insisted on inflicting it onto poor others.

Give the baby your name.