Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to want child to have his surname?

376 replies

Jess499427 · 09/02/2019 20:23

Hi all

I am pregnant with my first baby, due in June. Me and DH are married but I didn’t take his surname. There were a few reasons (practicality/effort of changing my name, I quite like my name, and I’ve had it my whole life so would feel strange to change it), but the main reason was that DH’s surname is very unusual and when hearing it for the first time, people often laugh.

We have discussed baby names but have got stuck on the surname. DH is keen for baby to have his surname and I am keen for her NOT to have his surname. I feel like it’s unfair to inflict the name (it is quite awful, it’s hard to describe without actually saying what it is) on a brand new person! I have suggested that she could have my name, we could choose a new name, we could all have a new name... but he is adamant.

AIBU? We are both being quite stubborn. Should I give in? One of us will have to!

OP posts:
pineapplebryanbrown · 10/02/2019 01:52

🎵🎵 Jesus take the wheel, take it from my hands 🎵

SemperIdem · 10/02/2019 01:55

adrienneJ

1875 called, they want your world view back.

SemperIdem · 10/02/2019 01:57

I'd hate to think he felt like we or I should take care of him

Oh to dream of having a marriage of equals such as this Confused

pineapplebryanbrown · 10/02/2019 02:04

I'm just choosing between Ma Walton and Ma Ingalls (they didn't have first names, never mind surnames)

motherlondon · 10/02/2019 02:10

My ex has a surname that is very hard to pronounce, spell or understand and unfortunately can be very easily turned into a sweat word.
His is the only one in the country, it causes him no end of frustration and when we were together he would book everything under my surname.
When we had the kids we just gave them a surname that we both agreed on, completely made up.
We had all the 'oh but you're a family and there's 3 names' etc, now we are divorced, he never sees the kids and I go by their name for some things, but people probably just assume they have his surname.

motherlondon · 10/02/2019 02:12

*swear not sweat

And to add, the kids have passports etc, I have never been questioned as to why their surname is different.

LucyBabs · 10/02/2019 02:42

How old are you adreinne?? You chose to take your husbands name when you married, good for you!
Wtf is "his household" I hope you're a troll

adrienneJ · 10/02/2019 03:58
  1. His household = the household under his family name, quite simple
Bubastes · 10/02/2019 04:10

Quite simple.
Quite depressing.

Seline · 10/02/2019 04:13

We double barrelled ours. DHs last name is inoffensive but really boring. Think Cox, Smith etc. My last name is foreign. So our kids are Sarah Dominski-Smith*, that way they can choose to sometimes use the simple name if they want to but they won't blend in will all the other smiths.

*not our actual names but to that affect.

adrienneJ · 10/02/2019 04:27

The fact that anyone can purport to find depressing a marriage built on mutual respect and common values is quite frankly depressing in itself and i think its a lack of these values that causes half and three quarters of the problems in most of the households in society.

I do still believe gender roles exist and feel that we've been put back an age by pretending they dont.

Bubastes · 10/02/2019 04:37

'I shared my fathers name until he gave me away to my husband.'
'we share his family name under his household'
'we're taken care of under his care and his name'
'they see the kids without the fathers name will automatically think 'hmm another fatherless child''

Yes, I find these kind of viewpoints, from a 38 year old woman, genuinely depressing. I can only assume you were born into and raised in an equally regressive household. Here's hoping some of your kids mange to break free.

nombrecambio · 10/02/2019 07:20

I shared my fathers name until he gave me away to my husband.

You are not property.
^*
I like the fact that we share his family name under his household.*^

Don't you live in YOUR household. Our house is OURS!

Its more a case of we're taken care of under his care and his name, I'd hate to think he felt like we or I should take care of him even that is a bit gender bias.

What about if something happened to your husband that resulted in you being his carer? Or having to be the main wage earner? Didn't your marriage vows include "in sickness"!

Not that its right but there are still lots of folk who as soon as they see the kids without the fathers name will automatically think 'hmm another fatherless child' as people will always judge without knowing the situation.

Hmmmm... we've lived in three countries (including a catholic country and an Islamic country) and a couple of places in the UK. Not a single person has thought my children are fatherless. But people generally don't ask what all of our surnames on on meeting... we don't introduce ourselves as "mr smith, master cambio and mistress cambio"!

nombrecambio · 10/02/2019 07:26

mutual respect

Confused

We have different ideals to what that means!

JenniferJareau · 10/02/2019 07:29

Hmmmm... we've lived in three countries (including a catholic country and an Islamic country) and a couple of places in the UK. Not a single person has thought my children are fatherless.

How would you know what they were thinking?

Poppylizzyrose · 10/02/2019 07:30

I haven’t read all the posts but some info reguarding names. It is the mothers choice, father has to be present when registering the birth but the name is the mothers choice. I spoke to registrar about it when I named my dd.

YouBumder · 10/02/2019 07:33

Its more a case of we're taken care of under his care and his name

Ffs

Teateaandmoretea · 10/02/2019 07:35

Yanbu, I took DH's surname largely because I didn't like mine Grin

Is the child not his too?
Well of course but that doesn't mean his opinions are more important than OP's just because of daft tradition. He can have the same name as the DC as he can choose to change his name, or not. Why should the OP be the one who is compelled to do it?

Teateaandmoretea · 10/02/2019 07:39

I do still believe gender roles exist and feel that we've been put back an age by pretending they dont.

And you believe that you understand how the minds of all people work because you are happy living in the 50s. O....K..... Hmm The good old days y'know when rape in marriage was legal, racism was rife, we locked up women with PND.

reallybadidea · 10/02/2019 08:36

as soon as they see the kids without the fathers name will automatically think 'hmm another fatherless child' as people will always judge without knowing the situation.

Why would it matter what a stranger thinks??

Bumblehole · 10/02/2019 09:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MamaDane · 10/02/2019 09:22

@Bumblehole 🤮

BertrandRussell · 10/02/2019 09:22

“For me it’s important so I wouldn’t even have entertained the idea of marrying a women who wasn’t going to take my name.”
Good to see you’ve got your priorities straight......

JassyRadlett · 10/02/2019 09:24

His mistake was marrying someone in the first place who wasn’t prepared to take his name. If these kind of things are important then it should’ve been a dealbreaker. For me it’s important so I wouldn’t even have entertained the idea of marrying a women who wasn’t going to take my name.

It’s so inconvenient when a woman has her own identity rather than an offshoot of yours. Almost makes it feel like she’s not your possession.

Bumblehole · 10/02/2019 09:24

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it’s an invalid choice just that if it’s important to you then it should be a dealbreaker.

Swipe left for the next trending thread