Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to want child to have his surname?

376 replies

Jess499427 · 09/02/2019 20:23

Hi all

I am pregnant with my first baby, due in June. Me and DH are married but I didn’t take his surname. There were a few reasons (practicality/effort of changing my name, I quite like my name, and I’ve had it my whole life so would feel strange to change it), but the main reason was that DH’s surname is very unusual and when hearing it for the first time, people often laugh.

We have discussed baby names but have got stuck on the surname. DH is keen for baby to have his surname and I am keen for her NOT to have his surname. I feel like it’s unfair to inflict the name (it is quite awful, it’s hard to describe without actually saying what it is) on a brand new person! I have suggested that she could have my name, we could choose a new name, we could all have a new name... but he is adamant.

AIBU? We are both being quite stubborn. Should I give in? One of us will have to!

OP posts:
Bubastes · 09/02/2019 20:46

If I had a child with someone whose surname was Smellie or Hoare or Hiscock I'd be loathe for my child to have to endure such a burden of a name.

NCjustforthisthread · 09/02/2019 20:48

Well I sort of understand your DH’s point - that’s HIS surname, his fathers surname that your basically saying is absolute crap and therefore not wanting to take. Nevermind you’re embarrassed by it, you’re now deciding that the child the both you have conceived also won’t have his name, becasue you say so. You’re not even willing to compromise on a double barrel - imagine how he feels. My husband has (IMO) an awful surname too, but I double barrelled mine and my children’s name, there is no way I would not want them to have his surname too, they are his children and a part of his identity, as much as I love my own surname. Sorry OP, this is a tough one I hope you manage to solve the problem.

Original poster
Jess499427 · 09/02/2019 20:49

I have made as many suggestions as I could think of for how we could come to an agreement about naming the baby. Some of my suggestions would have meant him changing his surname. (Some of the suggestions would’ve meant I’d change mine). I haven’t tried to convince him, sorry if it appeared that way. I offered a suggestion and he responded accordingly. DH doesn’t want to change his surname which I am fine with. DH having his surname really doesn’t affect me at all - it’s his name after all!

OP posts:
NotANotMan · 09/02/2019 20:49

It should be DHs or double barrel

Y tho

Merrymumoftwo · 09/02/2019 20:50

Would he agree to his family name as a middle name?

Singlenotsingle · 09/02/2019 20:50

When my DS got married, his dw didn't take his name. Both names quite acceptable but his/my surname belonged to a stepfather that he didn't like, so no big issue.

NightDreaming · 09/02/2019 20:52

Gah. This is annoying. If it was the OP who had the “silly” name, not her husband and she was insisting baby had her name I think everyone would tell her to lump and and give the baby the dad’s surname.

He needs to deal with his issues and baby can have your name. Minimum do double barrel.

JassyRadlett · 09/02/2019 20:57

I'm an old fashion one when it comes to names.

It should be DHs or double barrel

Sexist claptrap.

However, OP, as someone in a similar situation (and I dislike my DH’s surname, which is easily mispronounced in ways that invite ridicule), I don’t think you’re being fair to your DH. I’d double barrel or do two last names - in the latter case, the second last name ‘sticks’ more often.

Your child can choose whatever name they like to use. My eldest occasionally talks about whether he’ll drop one part when he’s a famous footballer (he’s 7 🙄). But he loves his last name and the fact he’s one of only two people in the world with his last name. He is totally unbothered by the mispronunciations - double barrelling seems to remove some of the ‘unfortunate surname’ risks in my experience.

Smurf123 · 09/02/2019 20:59

We have double barrelled our names on marriage... I have both so I'm smurf my surname dh surname with no hyphen eg smurf mckenna Douglas
Our son is the same as me.. On paper - birth cert passport etc both names are there but I'm only known in person as smurf Douglas
My husband is from a European country that normally uses a combination of the 2 names on marriage hence why we did it but key is my son will be able to just say he is x Douglas not x mckenna Douglas (I'm a teacher and feel it is just unfair to subject my child to having to write such a long name on all their books 🙈)

I hope that makes sense... Doctors school etc all all for official name and known as name so could choose to not use dh part even though it is on paper

Hoplittlebunnies · 09/02/2019 20:59

*I'm an old fashion one when it comes to names.

It should be DHs or double barrel*

The 'old fashioned' way was for a child to have their mother's surname. Its just that it was also traditional for the mother to be married and have taken her husband's name. So that's bollocks.

Mmmhmmm · 09/02/2019 21:01

I once came across a family of 'Hores' because that was the Dad's surname. I felt really sorry for their 2 daughters.

Waveysnail · 09/02/2019 21:01

I knew a Sarah Dick. There's no way of take that name.or inflict it on my child so yanbu

Melamine · 09/02/2019 21:01

I’m pregnant and have kept my surname. Our names do NOT go together at all, and I don’t want to inflict a ridiculous double barrel on the child I’m carrying. He luckily agrees so it’s having his surname as a second middle name instead. Will hopefully resolve any travel issues etc as well.

Original poster
Jess499427 · 09/02/2019 21:04

Thanks for the posts so far! I can understand every argument for and against, which is why this is so hard!

OP posts:
Ironmanrocks · 09/02/2019 21:05

I knew a Richard Head - it was a family tradition and the father had the same name - and his father and his father....Awful.

BeekyChitch · 09/02/2019 21:07

Why not double barrel it to:
BabysName OPName-DadName

That way when baby is older can drop dads name if they don't like it. Most people will call baby by BabysName OPName for quickness anyway I imagine when older.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/02/2019 21:13

The ‘old fashioned’ way was for a child to have their mothers surname. Exactly.

Give your child your surname and your husbands as a middle name. Or double barrel if it sounds ok. You carried the child and will do most of the caring, at the beginning, the least your dh can concede is the surname.

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 09/02/2019 21:15

The worst surnames are Willy and Wanklyn, kids a year below me at school had them- is it worse than these?

anniehm · 09/02/2019 21:18

Whilst it is a personal decision for each couple to make, it's highly unusual for children not to have their dads name (or double barrelled) where parents are together, especially married. I could also imagine his family being very upset, plus him being teased let's say. I know couples who have all changed name, but if he's not open to it, I think it would be very hard for him to give up his name.

Every child I know (with a father in their lives at birth) has their dads name, it's the normal position in this country, going against this unless you discussed it prior to marriage would potentially be very upsetting for him.

Sparklybanana · 09/02/2019 21:18

My name is different to my husbands but my children have his surname. I wondered what to do whilst I was pregnant but then I read something about a mother having the greatest tie to her kids- we feel them grow in our bellies, we give them first sustenance, we are the ones they run to when they fall (this is all generally, I realise there are exceptions), but the link that the father has is really quite ‘distant’. There’s never really a doubt to who the mum is but if the child has a different surname to their father then there is no obvious relationship to the child. I thought that would be a bit sad so I decided to give them my dh surname. I wanted there to be strong instant link between my husband and our kids. I’m not sure I’ve explained it well!
As it happens my dd is very much a mummies girl and I feel really sorry for dh when she refuses to cuddle him or says ‘I don’t want you, I want mummy’. I’m glad she’s got his surname otherwise I’m sure he’d feel on the periphery of our family.

nombrecambio · 09/02/2019 21:19

that’s HIS surname, his fathers surname that your basically saying is absolute crap and therefore not wanting to take. Nevermind you’re embarrassed by it, you’re now deciding that the child the both you have conceived also won’t have his name, becasue you say so. You’re not even willing to compromise on a double barrel - imagine how he feels.

So exactly what most women are told constantly!

I'm an old fashion one when it comes to names.^*
*^
It should be DHs or double barrel

Total crap!

My children have my surname and DH's name as a middle name.

nombrecambio · 09/02/2019 21:21

There’s never really a doubt to who the mum is but if the child has a different surname to their father then there is no obvious relationship to the child.

There's definitely no doubt to my children's paternity. He is obviously their father. It doesn't matter what their name is.

Tink2007 · 09/02/2019 21:22

The OPs DH also created this child with her, did he not? Surely he has just as much a say in the child’s name as she does?

At the moment all I see is “I don’t like the name”, “People laugh at the name”, “I didnt take the name” - it all seems very one sided without taking any of DHs feelings into consideration at all.

Bubastes · 09/02/2019 21:23

I could also imagine his family being very upset, plus him being teased let's say.

As long as the dad's not teased.

Bubastes · 09/02/2019 21:24

If it was the OP who had the “silly” name, not her husband and she was insisting baby had her name I think everyone would tell her to lump and and give the baby the dad’s surname.

SO true.