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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so jealous of SAHMs/part timers?

164 replies

resentfulandunreasonable · 09/02/2019 10:49

I know I'm being totally and completely unreasonable here but I am just so low.

One of my friends has two children the same age as mine (3 and 1.) I earn a lot more than she does, and she works part time. Her parents look after her children when she is at work.

It's just such a nice life. Only in work for three days out of seven, no childcare bills to worry about, on Sunday night it's like having another weekend.

I know I'll get torn to shreds now.

OP posts:
AliyyaJann · 09/02/2019 10:51

I'd do anything to swap with a full timer. My career prospects will remain stagnant for a very long time and I'm not bringing in much. It's depressing.

HalfBloodPrincess · 09/02/2019 10:51

Im the opposite. I’m jealous of the wohp who earn enough to make it worthwhile going back to work.
Our childcare bill would be the equivalent of all of my old salary plus £3000 of dps per year. Grass is always greener and all that.

Butchyrestingface · 09/02/2019 10:52

Maybe she envies you earning a lot more and not having to depend on family (which is not always without problems) for CC?

Feelsdeadpeople · 09/02/2019 10:53

I work part time. We haven’t been on holiday in 6 years and I’ve got no pension. Wooo!

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 09/02/2019 10:53

Working FT with small children is hard. You will get a lot of people telling you YABU and that "comparison is the thief of joy" etc etc but it's actually perfectly normal to feel envious of others from time to time. Especially when you're feeling low. Flowers

ErictheGuineaPig · 09/02/2019 10:54

If you earn a lot more than her surely she has less disposable income than you? So you are both making a choice - she chooses less money and more time off.

I do sympathise with you though - I work full time in a place where most are part time. We need the money because we have 3 kids. We could have chosen to have less and live somewhere smaller etc. So i comfort myself with the fact that it's a result of my own choices.

Original poster
resentfulandunreasonable · 09/02/2019 10:55

Not really Eric as mine's swallowed up in childcare fees.

Thanks minister :)

OP posts:
1MillionSelfiesTakenByMyKids · 09/02/2019 10:55

I'm a SAHM. I miss work and money! But I do value these times at home with my chiodren. Especially as DD has been proper poorly this week and i keep being grateful i don't have to make hasty arrangements. We have no grandparents nearby either or things would be different.

It's ok to be jealous. I think we all are jealous of others' lives from the outside. Just don't let it eat your joy. You dont know what it's like inside their life and you've made the decisions that work for you. One of the reasons I've been SAH so long is that DH had severe depression and was unable to function outside work - I couldn't rely on him for child care, support, housework- anything. I would have killed to have a functional husband and a job.

Just focus on the positives in your life. Do what works for you.

Short answer YANBU to be jealous but YABU to let it affect your joy

Meralia · 09/02/2019 10:56

Why is it relevant that you earn ‘a lot more than she does’?

Some people just have different set ups.

Being a mum who works part time isn’t a bad thing. It’s good she’s got family support. We’re all trying to do the best we can with the circumstances we have.

I’m assuming you work full time?

E20mom · 09/02/2019 10:56

I understand how you feel op. I've gone back to work part time (3 days) and feel very lucky to be able to spend 4 full days a week with my toddler. It still costs £800 per month in nursery fees though so I don't have the luxury of free family childcare.

Teaonthebedsheets · 09/02/2019 10:57

I like working. It would be nice to have an extra day with my baby but it would come at a huge sacrifice to my career, future earning potential and our lifestyle. But nothing is perfect. You've just got to find the best balance for your family.

Meralia · 09/02/2019 10:58

But just to add I’m envious of mums who work! I’m Missing that stimulation and sense of professional value. My youngest DS is 20 months and I’m a SAHM at the moment.

randomsabreuse · 09/02/2019 10:59

I hate being a SAHM. I am bored. Counting down the weeks until I can go back to my part time job after having a baby. I am a much better parent when I am not a full time parent.

Designerenvy · 09/02/2019 11:01

I work Part time but wish I could work full time to bring in more money and afford the luxuries in life .
My job wouldn't pay enough for me to do that cos child care would cost more than I'd earn.
I do love the extra time with Dc's but would love the extra money to do more with them also.
Neither situation is ideal id say.
Some of my friends work full time and do find it very tough and they carry a lot of guilt over not spending as much time with Dc's.....
I really think guilt is part of parenting ....guilt over working full time or guilt over not and being able to afford the finer things in life.....and it shouldn't be. We're all doing our best by our Dc's.

StarryGazeyEyes · 09/02/2019 11:01

It really is swings and roundabouts. I work from home, part time, doing something I love. Sounds great, but we have no money. We are fed and have a roof over our heads but I mean not having a car, haven't been abroad in over 10 years, never buy new clothes kind of no money.

You don't say if you are on your own or not, but is there any way you could adapt your working hours to give you a better balance? Whatever you do, there is always a compromise.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 09/02/2019 11:03

Depends on the type of job but working part-time can be the worst of both worlds - not as easy to progress your career/get pay rises as the full-timers and don't have the money to pay for cleaners etc so need to fit in all domestic stuff too; don't have the time to do all the things with the DC that SAHMs do, so you can feel like a failure in both areas. Any reason you can't switch to part time? But there are pros and cons with all options

Dimsumlosesum · 09/02/2019 11:06

Does sound nice. If I had free childcare on tap like my step sister and SIL do that'd make life so much easier.

TwoM · 09/02/2019 11:08

Can you truly not afford to go part time or would it mean cutting down luxuries? Most people do actually have a choice. They've just chosen to have a holiday per year and go out for a meal once a month for example. Nothing wrong with that, just making clear that most people do really have a choice. It's what they prioritise.

Yidette86 · 09/02/2019 11:08

The grass is always greener on the other side...

Original poster
resentfulandunreasonable · 09/02/2019 11:10

I won't even dignify that with a response Two

OP posts:
OneStepSideways · 09/02/2019 11:10

She might wish she were full time like you! When I was a SAHM and then part time I was jealous of people who worked FT. You advance your career much faster, earn more, don't have to deal with many nappies, potty training or spend all your days trying to fill the time. Being at home day after day with little ones is draining. I thought it would be fun and chilled out 😂

I like the routine of working FT, the coffee breaks, the mental challenge of work!

FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 09/02/2019 11:12

I think everyone envies other people at one point or another. I bet if you really really wanted to you could work part time it's just you don't want to because you have a good career and more money this way.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 09/02/2019 11:12

I work 3 days a week. Some family childcare, some paid. I really love it. Staying at home would be too much for me long term and I like to keep my skills current but I’d hate to miss out on time with my young kids in the week. Also I can do laundry and chores in the week meaning the weekend is all fun. For me it works well because we have the money to still holiday, do fun stuff etc and my dh still shoulders half the load when at home.

Original poster
resentfulandunreasonable · 09/02/2019 11:14

Well, why did she ask for part time if she wanted to be full time? Confused

I get the grass is always greener comments, but it is hard.

OP posts:
Pasithea · 09/02/2019 11:14

My sister is disabled stuck at home cannot work and cannot have children. She would swap with any one of you.

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