To feel so jealous of SAHMs/part timers?

[resentfulandunreasonable]

I know I'm being totally and completely unreasonable here but I am just so low.

One of my friends has two children the same age as mine (3 and 1.) I earn a lot more than she does, and she works part time. Her parents look after her children when she is at work.

It's just such a nice life. Only in work for three days out of seven, no childcare bills to worry about, on Sunday night it's like having another weekend.

I know I'll get torn to shreds now.

I’m in the same position as @Upsy1981

I work 4 days but in a stressful job and it’s really trying to squeeze 5 days’ work into 4. We rely on me keeping that job and earning that salary so I feel under pressure to keep going, even when I’m struggling. Lots of other mums I know work to bring in extra money for luxuries, but could just about manage on their husbands’ wages. I really appreciate my day off but would sometimes love a job that I could just leave at work and that didn’t interfere with my home life.

Grass is definitely always greener.

@Mmmmbrekkie what on earth are you talking about picking holes in @speakout's post? That is exactly what she is saying on this thread. Read her other posts. She works from home part time.

I’m FT atm but planning to TTC this summer! I won’t work FT once we have them, lots of respect for those who do but we both grew up with mums at home and want our kids to have that too!

I’d like to work PT but not sure work will let me! I don’t understand why it seems impossible to work PT and still have a decent career/progression ...etc

I get it OP. Its bloody hard work working full-time with 3 kids. I torrtured myself for a few years about wanting to work part time and got my requests turned down. I became obsessed with it and really resented my work but needs must. I took a weeks parental leave last year and my payslip for that month put paid to that obsession .

In fairness my manager allows me to work 2x10 hour days and 3x6 hour days so i can to school drop offs and pick ups on those days. The pressure is the same and all the shit still needs to be done, but as far as the kids (well not the toddler just yet) are concerned I only work 2 days a week as im there morning and evening for them. It means DH has to pull his weight a little more on those long days as well as although he wasnt bad, there definitely was room for improvement. Any chance you could get some flexibility like that?

I should have said the new working pattern was agreed only after my request foe part time was turned down again.

I’m currently a sahm, I’m jealous of the part time work bit. I’d love that. A block of days at work and block of days at home with dc.

@Applesaregreenandred
Read page 2 - she says she is a full time SAHM

😂 at the idea that having a husband who is too important and well paid to do childcare is like being a single parent.

I work part time but my shift pattern is horrible.

I am envious of people who have 9-5 jobs and no nights and weekends and 24 hour shifts.

I also cannot see a problem with @speakout 's posts. She is just telling it like it is. She has a good life, and is enjoying her freedom, and good for her. Why should she rein in in because other people are not content with their life?

I for one am jealous as fuck of someone I know. She is 5 years older than me (so early 50's) and has not worked for 7 years. (And never intends to again.) She has a DH who earns £50K, they have no mortgage (finished it in 2013,) and she just inherited £250K from her father who died last year. Yeah, I know she lost her dad, but many people lose their parents, and don't have £250K from it!

She has 2 perfect daughters who are in their 20's and get on like a house on fire. They left home at 18-19 for uni and never came back, but live only an hour away, and she has her own car, and 2 holidays abroad a year, and has a big 4 bed detached house in a nice village. Yet she hasn't worked since 45, and says 'I've earned my stripes, I worked for nearly 30 years, my time is done!'

I hate how jealous I am of her tbh, but I can't control my feelings. She goes out for countryside walks, she does crafting, she writes, she paints, she looks after her 2 horses, and she 'does lunch' with either her daughters or friends once a week. She is also in village hobby groups and has loads of friends. She has a blessed life, and her not having to work grates on me something awful. I am not proud of how I feel, I cannot help it.

I can understand the OP tbh. When someone is living a great life, and you hate your job and you know you're stuck in it til you're nearly 70, are not content with your life, you can't help but be pissed off. And yeah the saying 'comparison is the thief of joy' really fucks me off tbh.

You earn a lot more than she does and you need to pay for childcare.
She is in a different position to you, there's nothing to be jealous of.
I wanted to be a sahm, so we moved heaven and earth for this to happen. We've always been pretty poor, but apart from paying our bills money isn't important to us, none of us are materialistic and have raised our dc to be frugal too.
I'm not saying it's the best way, but if you want something badly enough you will make all sorts of sacrifices and compromises to achieve it.

I get full on waves of resentment from a full time colleague, who likes to imply that every element of my working life is impeded by my part time hours. After a while I realised this was jealousy. It’s not nice to be on the end of it and your friend WILL pick up on it.
It’s swings and roundabouts. I don’t go several foreign holidays a year, own a new car and have expensive hobbies. I have a car that leaks and holidays in the UK. And for now i’m happy with that. If you are not have a look at what you could economise on to work part time.

Mmmmbrekkie

What is your problem? I said I have been a SAHM for many years on the second page of this thread.

I now work part time- at home.

What;s so difficult to understand?

Sorry, my error

No problem.

OP, I think YANBU. I work part time (three days) and I feel really lucky to have an interesting job but still see a lot of my kids too.

I don't post to gloat, but to maybe inspire confidence and give others the idea that being self employed or working from home are real options.
In fact my 5 closest friends are all self employed- we seem to gravitate- maybe because we are socialising during "normal" working hours, or visiting the gym at 10am on a weekday!
I have had three successful ventures over the years, none required any great expertise and very little money to set up, I really had no idea that it is so simple to earn money from home.

I just wanted to outline anothe option- there are other of fitting earning around family life.
I am not posting to make anyone feel bad, but to see that there are other ways of doing things.

We made the choice to sacrifice significant income so I could go self employed and part time, and I don’t regret that decision. It it does come with disadvantages (my most worrying is my lack of pension) and we have made significant sacrifices.

I do completely empathise with the jealousy about family members providing free childcare, though. When I was working FT, the cost of childcare was such a burden. Way more than any of our other expenses at £1600 per month for 2 children. It is a massive financial burden for families who don’t have family who can help out with childcare. I used to be quite jealous of friends who didn’t have that burden round their neck. Oh, and also overnight childcare!

But it did make the decision to quit my job easier, as the £1600 per month could be offset against my loss of income. Silver linings.

I remember my sort of SIL (MILs partner’s daughter) telling me about how they had loads of weekends without the kids because they had 3 sets of grandparents desperate to take the kids for the day/overnight. I was green when she was explaining how they spent days lounging in the sofa watching tv.

Clarabella

I'm sorry I disagree, we do all have the choice it's just that some prefer other choices.
Anyone can be a sahm if they cut their cloth accordingly, that doesn't mean we all should btw. We managed to raise 3 dc on one min wage job over the past 30 years. We've paid our mortgage off and can afford small school fees too.
When it's important to you, you make sacrifices and compromise, just the same as those do who want to work and childcare doesn't cover wage for a couple of years. The parents sacrifice an income for a while.

@RomanyQueen1 I have no idea how you're making a minimum wage go that far?! To raise 3 DC yes, to pay off a mortgage and pay school fees? Wow.

@op as others have said, it's perfectly normal to feel envious but just don't let it consume you. Everyone is fighting their own battles.

I work part time in a senior role and it is really a full time job. I am knackered and my family is suffering as a result.
My husband works long hours in an even more senior role so I take care of kids, house, health, school, and everything else.

I would love some more balance to my life right now. If you don't like what you have then change it, but don't just moan about what other people have or havent got. You have no idea of their motivations or personal circumstances

Anyone can be a sahm if they cut their cloth accordingly, that doesn't mean we all should btw. We managed to raise 3 dc on one min wage job over the past 30 years. We've paid our mortgage off and can afford small school fees too.

Wait, you’ve purchased a house and raised three children and supported two adults on one minimum wage job and paid school fees? I don’t believe you. That’s literally not enough money to do those things. You say over the past 30 years, so maybe your house cost £16k like the house my mum sold in the 80s. We bought a tiny house two years ago and it cost nearly £260k. Besides, there wasn’t a minimum wage 30 years ago. One minimum wage job wouldn’t even cover our mortgage and bills.

yes, I'm beginning to see how unusual this is now. It never struck me before I joined Mnet though.
In fairness the school fees are only small as we pay o a sliding scale, but still enough for our low income.
We live in a 4 bed Edwardian semi and have since 2001, so not always lived in the same place.
We have just been very canny with what we spent and it's much easier to shop for bargains and reductions when you are at home. I very rarely pay full price for anything, especially clothes. I have no uniform to buy as our last dependant dc school doesn't have one.
When our interest rates went up to 14.5% we moved to the country, went off grid for a while to enable us to continue paying the mortgage.
My point was that we do all have the same choices, some aren't appealing and that's great, we are all different.
I had the choice to continue working with a nanny, or going for less demanding work and sucking up childcare costs, the same as everyone else, but that route wasn't for us.
I really can't stand the attitude of I had no choice, sure you might be restricted in your present lifestyle but you can change that if you want to.

Average school fees are around £17 K, so two kids would be £34K a year.

Even if you paid only half that you are still paying a total of £17K a year.

Minimum wage in the UK is £15,650 a year.

How can you pay a mortgage and send two kids to private school on minimum wage?