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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so jealous of SAHMs/part timers?

164 replies

resentfulandunreasonable · 09/02/2019 10:49

I know I'm being totally and completely unreasonable here but I am just so low.

One of my friends has two children the same age as mine (3 and 1.) I earn a lot more than she does, and she works part time. Her parents look after her children when she is at work.

It's just such a nice life. Only in work for three days out of seven, no childcare bills to worry about, on Sunday night it's like having another weekend.

I know I'll get torn to shreds now.

OP posts:
2cats2many · 09/02/2019 11:15

I work part time, but can totally relate to what you're saying. Working full time with young children is fucking hard and I know how lucky I am to have the option to work flexibly.

Original poster
resentfulandunreasonable · 09/02/2019 11:17

Of course she would pas, just as I'd swap for someone with family support, people in the third world would swap with literally anyone in this country BUT, it's still hard.

OP posts:
MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 09/02/2019 11:17

It really is swings and roundabouts

This.

I work 4 days a week, term time only. The latest I'm home on work days is 4.45pm and I don't have to take work home with me or really think about work at all when I'm not there. On the one hand I know I'm lucky to have the school holidays off. I love having the time off with the DC and not having to worry about holiday childcare and it's great having a day off in the week to get stuff done. But I don't get paid for the school holidays. And to get those hours I've had to take a job that on paper I'm significantly overqualified for and doesn't pay well. Most of the time I'm happy with my choice. I have a nice life and have prioritised the things that are most important to me, like having a job that I feel allows me to make a difference. But that doesn't mean I don't occasionally feel a pang of envy when friends with high flying careers are posting about their achievements on social media or jetting off to somewhere exciting for a conference.

speakout · 09/02/2019 11:18

I have been a SAHM for many years.

It has been utterly blissful.

My youngest is 18 and away at University and I work part time.
Gym 4 mornings a week, gardening, forest walks, photography.

I wouldn't want to work full time.

NuffingChora · 09/02/2019 11:18

It’s grass is greener syndrome isn’t it? I’m a SAHM due to my husband’s erratic and unpredictable work pattern, and because we have absolutely no family support nearby. From the outside it looks like I probably have a lovely life - nice house in suburbia, not short of money - but I gave up a really highly regarded job with great prospects (but a huge amount of stress), and with it a huge part of my identity, we’ve both battled depression for various reasons in the last few years, and my husband’s job could all end tomorrow. I’m bored, lonely and miss having my own identity, not just being ‘*’s mum’ or ‘**’s wife’, and this absolutely isn’t where I saw myself being at my age. It’s not forever, but I guess my point is that you can never be quite sure what’s going on behind anyone’s front door, and the grass isn’t always greener - there are things to envy in everyone’s circumstances, but no one is without their challenges. (But yes, I agree with you in that I also hugely envy those with supportive family nearby!)

giggly · 09/02/2019 11:19

I’m with you op. I’m a single parent to 2dc oldest with ASD and work f/t through absolutel necessitie in frontline NHS. I am absolutely gubbed every day every weekSad. I’m well jel of my friends who even only work 4days but the pay difference for me is not about nice holidays or special treatsHmm but paying the bills.
It’s ok to be envious which is a normal emotion after all. The trick is not to become consumed by it although it sucks.

Stormy76 · 09/02/2019 11:19

I work part time because of a health condition, if you are finding it very hard working full time, can you work flexi hours for a while just to recharge? I have worked full time with younger kids and it exhausted me. Working four days a week has helped me to find a better balance. Another option is working from home one day a week?

giggly · 09/02/2019 11:20

Ha so gubbed I cannot spell Wink

Aeonium · 09/02/2019 11:22

I’m trapped as a SAHM. DH is far too important and highly paid to do any childcare so I’m basically a single parent during the week. It’s impossible very difficult to fit a job around all the dropoffs and pickups and sick days and holidays. And we wouldn’t be much better off financially if I did, but DC would be a lot worse off due to constantly being in care.

So I SAH and watch my hard earned career disappear, along with my hopes of ever having a worthwhile pension. I envy your ability to afford to work and have support in place to help you achieve that.

strawberryredhead · 09/02/2019 11:23

YANBU. Part time is much easier, I work part time and often feel fortunate I don’t have to juggle FT work with kids etc.
But the grass is always greener elsewhere. My DH works long hours, he had to work Christmas Day and New Year’s Eve and I can get jealous of people whose spouses and partners work less. But then I have a loving supportive spouse so I should be thankful for that and I am.
I think going down the route of jealousy will not make you happy, you’ll just get bitter and resentful. It sounds super cheesy but it’s best to count your blessings. There are people struggling to feed their families and pay the bills, people in desperate poverty. So if you compare yourself to some people you’ll feel rotten but if you think about all the good things you have, it is just so much better for your mental health!

giggly · 09/02/2019 11:23

Yup I’d love to work from home or flexi but that’s not even a remote possibility for most workers.

catlady3 · 09/02/2019 11:24

I wish there were better and easier choices available to women.

Pringle2628 · 09/02/2019 11:24

I know how you feel, I just get resentful of family members who don’t work because they have always been sahm and now there kids are in there 30s they still don’t work but refuse to have our kids ever because god forbid they help us out. Infact one comment was ‘I’m not looking after your DD so you can spend your money on getting married if you cancel the wedding I will consider it’ Yet still expect £50-100 spent on there birthdays/Xmas.
Sorry this post just reminded me how when my kids have kids I will do my damn right Best to ensure I can look after my grandkids so my kids can pursue there career goals without being held back by £45 a day childcare fees.

rainbowbash · 09/02/2019 11:24

I hear you, OP.

but life is not fair. I have friends who work part time and have lots of family support, zero childcare and others who are hugely struggling with childcare fees for young children whilst working FT, no family support (and most of them do not go on holiday or have meals out or other luxuries).

but that is life. Some have it easier than others.
I work part time due to having a severely disabled child and have just had to hand in my notice because all childcare options for school hols have been fallen through so I will be a SAHM and don't know how to pay the bills. Fancy that?

fruityb · 09/02/2019 11:25

I work full time and am happy but I do wish I could have a day off a week to just catch up! I feel like I never stop. I’m a secondary school English teacher and it’s never bloody ending! A day to myself where ds still went to CM a week would be amazing. Just some me time as I get very little! Even if it were just to sew some clothes or clean my house entirely as I’m never happy!

My childcare bill is £500 a month split between me and dh and that will come down in September when he’s 3. My mortgage is high but we’re working on that. I see all this as short term as I’ll have a lot more disposable income in a couple of years with childcare and having paid loans off and whatnot. I would love to drop a day a week or find another job that didn’t drain me as much as this one. But it’ll have to wait a bit. I could not be a SAHM - maternity leave left me feeling lonely, fed up, isolated and like I lost my identity. I always need to be doing something.

PennilessPaladin · 09/02/2019 11:25

If your wages are swallowed up by childcare fees surely it's a choice to work?

SinkGirl · 09/02/2019 11:26

When I got pregnant I had planned to work when my baby got to a year old - then I unexpectedly had twins, both twins have disabilities / delays, and my health has gone off a cliff (and it wasn’t that great before). I wouldn’t be able to afford childcare for twins, even if they were able to go full time but they need a great deal of additional care and intervention. We have no family to help at all, my mum passed away before I got pregnant and there’s no family nearby. It’s hard to say if I’d want to work full time if I only had one, if they had no health issues and my health was good - certainly it would be nice to have the option available to me but it’s not. I love my boys more than anything but it’s extremely difficult much of the time - my old job was very stressful, very long hours and still far easier than my life now!

I work very part time around my husband’s job and my boys have just started nursery two mornings a week - it’s the first break I’ve had since they came home from nicu.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 09/02/2019 11:26

speakout good for you, but how is bragging about your "blissful", stress-free life an appropriate response to the OP who is clearly struggling?
Sometimes it's best to say nothing! Hmm

swingofthings · 09/02/2019 11:27

Working FT when your kids are demanding and full on, and your job is rewarding, mentally stimulating yet not stressful at all, and well paid, no doubt is worth envy.

However, working FT in a pressurising job, reporting to a boss you don't respect, working with colleagues who might be nice but with whom you ha e nothing in common, constantly stressed trying to finish your workload on time whilst knowing that if you don't leave in 5mns, you are going to be late to pick up your kids from after school club, be told off again, feeling road rage on the way looking at the clock every minute still hoping to be there on time, to come home with kids who tell you how much they missed you and were looking at the window to see you coming, all this when you can hardly save for a basic holiday abroad for all to relax together... Yes, it makes you feel a bit bitter...

ComeMonday · 09/02/2019 11:28

@DorotheaHomeAlone - exactly how do you think your post is in any way responsive or helpful to the OP? Did you mean to gloat so blatantly?

Cromercrab · 09/02/2019 11:29

Well, if it's any consolation, it might not be forever. I 'frontloaded' my working life by working full-time in a long hours job when the children were small and through primary school (apart from a bit of break to freelance for a couple of years from 6-8). Then started working in a job that was shorter hours (if less exciting) for a few more years, then another that was shorter (and duller, but better paid) still. Then stopped work altogether, having salted away a decent pension and reduced mortgage, to do what for me was the really hard yards of getting children through GCSE years. Now I'm gradually putting together different interests which may or may not lead to paid work, but I'm determined never to go back into an office.
It was hard work, and you do have to be prepared to change jobs to get the hours you want. And plan your earning and expenditure and set financial goals. So I hope you get the work-life balance you want in time.

SaucyJack · 09/02/2019 11:31

I think she sounds very lucky that her family are faciliting her to have a good work-life balance.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you feeling a bit jealous, and having a bit of a woe is me moment.

Just don’t let it swallow it up or affect your friendship through bitterness.

It’s not her fault you don’t have helpful, local family.

Oysterbabe · 09/02/2019 11:31

I work 3 days a week and my kids are 1 and 3. The difference is we're paying sky high nursery fees for those 3 days so we're living quite frugally. I do love it though, it's the perfect balance for me.

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 09/02/2019 11:31

I'd love to work full time. it does get boring being at home. It will make you appreciate the house being out all day.

ComeMonday · 09/02/2019 11:32

@Speakout see my above post to Dorothea. What is it about anonymous gloating that makes you feel good? Or maybe you are just one of those people who needs to make everything about yourself and doesn’t actually ever listen to anyone else? I can’t see a third reason why you would post something like that.

Also if your life was really so blissful you wouldn’t feel the need to passive-aggressively cut someone else down.