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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so jealous of SAHMs/part timers?

164 replies

resentfulandunreasonable · 09/02/2019 10:49

I know I'm being totally and completely unreasonable here but I am just so low.

One of my friends has two children the same age as mine (3 and 1.) I earn a lot more than she does, and she works part time. Her parents look after her children when she is at work.

It's just such a nice life. Only in work for three days out of seven, no childcare bills to worry about, on Sunday night it's like having another weekend.

I know I'll get torn to shreds now.

OP posts:
Gooseygoosey12345 · 09/02/2019 16:24

I would love to work part-time and have my mum watch the kids. I'm currently a SAHM. I think whichever situation you're in the other situation seems better but actually it's all hard work. We just have to do what we think is best for our family at that time. My kids get a lot of time with me but there isn't much money for activities etc. I think less time but higher quality than lots of day to day time would be better but I'd probably think the other way round if I was in the opposite situation.

RomanyQueen1 · 09/02/2019 16:33

speakout

We have 3dc two are grown up now and went to state school, dd is at a specialist school and we pay a few k each year. The rest paid by the government scheme. She's only been there 4 years, and still have 4 years to go.

banskuwansku · 09/02/2019 16:36

I am sahm and I enjoy it. But I would also enjoy full time job if there weren't chaotic mornings with kids, picking kids from child minder, cooking and washing/sorting clothes/ cleaning and trying to stay top of kids homework in the evenings. The final nail on the coffin was that I didn't anymore recover during the weekend and was always exhausted.

I am slowly looking for a part time job now though.

2019Dancerz · 09/02/2019 16:42

Shouldn’t the OP be to say that she’s jealous of this particular friend? Being a part time worker doesn’t necessarily been having no childcare to pay, or even having an easy job!

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 09/02/2019 16:45

I've just gone on mat leave and I'd do anything to go back to work. The school run routine is awful. DD used to go to breakfast club but now I drop her off and oh my the playground chat is awful. The day is also boring. Cleaning up takes what an 1 hour at most then one day is good shop.

It's so much time to fill and I hate it!

Nodrama999 · 09/02/2019 16:50

I skipped between pt and ft and it wasn’t affordable. I had to step down from my management position because I couldn’t commit equally to staff and my children 😂
In the end, I started doing admin/books for family members who were self employed and are with the OU. My children started nursery at 3 months due to “work” and it’s the biggest regret of my life. I feel since quitting the self indulgent sector to spend time with my children was the best decision I ever made. (We are even better off financially - without the aid of benefits)

MustShowDH · 09/02/2019 16:53

Not RTFT as I know it will trigger me.

Don't be jealous. I've fucked my life up by giving up work.
I'm so trapped.

In 'X' number of years your kids will be off at university or work and you will still have a career / social life / money.

Its bloody hard juggling everything, but stick with it.

stayathomer · 09/02/2019 17:00

I miss work so much! Youngest will be in school next year so can't wait to work but finding it hard to find anything. If I could go back in time I don't know that I'd leave, we've experienced severe poverty at times but saying that we left because childcare for three had us paying my wage and more and then we had a fourth. It is a tough one OP, I think most people think things are better on the other side

Uptheapplesandpears · 09/02/2019 17:05

I don't think you're BU and nor should you be torn to shreds. It is nice to work part time, especially when there's family help with childcare.

speakout · 09/02/2019 17:14

*MustShowDH
Not RTFT as I know it will trigger me.

Don't be jealous. I've fucked my life up by giving up work.
I'm so trapped.

In 'X' number of years your kids will be off at university or work and you will still have a career / social life / money.

Its bloody hard juggling everything, but stick with it.*

nah, life is too short to "juggle everthing".

Surely you had time when your kids were at school?

Limensoda · 09/02/2019 17:18

I don't know how women work full time and manage with very young children. I think they deserve a medal.
It's sad that families can't manage without both parents working. I know some women would choose to work full time because of their career prospects etc but it must be exhausting.

Ilikeviognier · 09/02/2019 18:22

Tbh I think it’s reallg hard whatever you do.

I have two young kids (both pre school) and I work 3 days a week. It’s really quite far from an easy life- the juggling is intense; I’m basically trying to do a full time job in less hours. There’s also the guilt of feeling like I’m doing a pants job both at home and at work as I’m trying to do it all. I’m on constant catch up at work, and if I’m at home I have to rush to do all the household stuff.

Who knows what the solution is?!

hopefulhalf · 09/02/2019 18:34

I was you OP, it used to eat me up. I oscilated between pt and ft. Ft does have it's advantages, but your dc are still young. Is there any wiggle room at all ?

Oblomov19 · 09/02/2019 18:38

You aren't missing anything. I've always worked part time, since having Ds1. I haven't had a career, only a job. We only go abroad holiday rarely.

MustShowDH · 09/02/2019 18:40

@speakout
I meant it must be hard for the OP but she should stick with it.

I went back to work when my DD was small, but struggled 'juggling everything.'
Was convinced by my DH to give up work as he earns a good salary, but it was a really bad decision which leaves me utterly dependant on him. My mental health has got worse and I worry I'll never work again.

If I had known then what I know now, I would have stayed working and made him pull his weight.

StarlightIntheNight · 09/02/2019 18:43

Some people have no choice but to be a sahm. For example, me...my salary would not cover both my children in childcare (they are close in age) and I would be basically paying several hundred pounds a month to work. But I am also lucky in that, I do not need to work, as my husbands salary is enough for us to live comfortably. However, I would have definitely retuned to work if it would have made us a few hundred extra a month after childcare :)

KateGrey · 09/02/2019 18:43

I’d love to work part time. I have three kids and two have disabilities and unless I work term time after I’ve dropped the kids off I have very little chance of working as my husband works late. And the kids can’t handle childcare of any kind. Its limited my life extremely.

Batshitcraziness · 09/02/2019 18:47

Is there a way of condensing your hours op?
I’m a single parent to 3 (4,5,7) and have managed to condense my hours down over 3 days.
I don’t have family to help but I have a legend of a childminder who stays open late and opens early for my dc. It costs me extra but not as much as 5 days care would.
The 3 days I work are really hard going but then the 4 days off afterwards are really good and I get full time money but extra time with the children which I love.

LucheroTena · 09/02/2019 19:08

YANBU to have a moan. I work full time in high stress role but compress my hours into 3 somewhat hellish days. Those days (plus lengthy commute) mean I get 4 days at home and although I’m often knackered on 2 of those days and on my email quite a bit, it’s so worth it. I would find it hard going back to 5 normal days now with commute on top.

These hours, a supportive manager, the fact I know my job inside out and that I was able to flex my hours to help DD when she became ill this year have meant I will stick to this job and bear the fact I can’t stand some of my colleagues, the stress of the job and miss out on easier jobs with better pay.

We’re all doing the best we can, that doesn’t mean some don’t have it easier than others.

TheBreastmilksOnMe · 09/02/2019 19:21

I have done both- SAHM and WOHM and I find the SAHM situation mind- numbingly boring. Imuch rather go out to work. I also tried child minding and that nearly drove me to distraction. Babies babies babies all day long. Such a long day.

Oysterbabe · 09/02/2019 19:25

I have a 1 and 3 year old and my 3 days in the office are like a lovely rest. I start before most people and sit and have a coffee and soak up the silence. I'm a better parent because of it and became pretty frazzled towards the end of mat leave.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 09/02/2019 19:29

I work 3 days a week, and I love it. BUT, my career and future pension are getting kicked in the nuts, and I worry about this a lot.

I think when you look back you will be so pleased you soldiered on, whereas I will probably be kicking myself. But at the minute it is completely reasonable for you to be tired and a bit worn down by the unremitting grind. Flowers

banskuwansku · 09/02/2019 19:30

I don't understand where people, who have young children, get all the energy to go to work and then go home and do all the chores at home. I was permanently exhausted even though I enjoyed my job a lot.

pantyclaws · 09/02/2019 19:57

YANBU to feel envious of your friend but most pt people don't have free childcare on tap. I work 3 days a week and our childcare bill is over £1k pm (not London either). We're not big earners so it's a huge part of our income. We're basically operating at a loss at the moment.

Even when free hours kick in next year we'll still have a pretty big bill (approx £600 pm) with wraparound care, after-school, holiday and breakfast clubs.

And the guilt at being a crap part timer in all aspects of life is horrible - I feel like I'm trying to be all things to all men and failing.

I'm glad I have the option to work part time. But it's not an easy option.

RomanyQueen1 · 09/02/2019 20:28

So many people don't have childcare on tap, it must be a lot harder.
I've loved being a sahm/housewife, I can't imagine working or continuing my career after dc.
I didn't go down the childcare route as wouldn't have been practical for us, but I love spending time with children, I always have.
Now, I'm able to provide free cc for my gd, as well as her other grandparents.
Most people our age are still working, not many can retire in their early 50's, or have been sahm's.
I think my family appreciate our help, they better had Grin