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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so jealous of SAHMs/part timers?

164 replies

resentfulandunreasonable · 09/02/2019 10:49

I know I'm being totally and completely unreasonable here but I am just so low.

One of my friends has two children the same age as mine (3 and 1.) I earn a lot more than she does, and she works part time. Her parents look after her children when she is at work.

It's just such a nice life. Only in work for three days out of seven, no childcare bills to worry about, on Sunday night it's like having another weekend.

I know I'll get torn to shreds now.

OP posts:
swingofthings · 09/02/2019 11:34

I agree with Cromercrab. I was the ft working mum envious of those working pt, but now the kids are almost adults and talks started to include when we might be able to retire, I'm the one who is deemed lucky that I'll be able to do earlier than anyone else.

I know it doesn't feel much consolation when it is years ahead but the time does come.

Millenniem · 09/02/2019 11:35

Yanbu

I would have zero stress if I didn't have to juggle dcs and work. I honestly would as all my stress comes from fitting my dc needs around my work needs.

Sometimes I fantasise about the blissful 2-3 hours some sahms have in the morning for getting themselves and the dc ready for the day and wandering in for the school run by 9am. I have no idea how some manage to be late with all that time! Confused

No pressures on time is what I'm most envious of Envy

rainbowbash · 09/02/2019 11:35

If your wages are swallowed up by childcare fees surely it's a choice to work?

you know that it can be very difficult to get back to where you left after a SAHM.break. Some industries are more forgiving not in some areas, you cannot take time out without it hugely affecting your career. Not only that, you lose out on pension too. it's not as easy as if take-home pay = childcare fee then work is not worth it.what happens in fhe marriage breaks down . lots of things to consider. how short sighted

SoupDragon · 09/02/2019 11:36

the grass is always greener elsewhere

Absolutely.

ClarabellaCTL · 09/02/2019 11:38

OP I'm sure you've considered this, but is it possible to ask for some flexible working? Employers must at least consider it. I went back to work FT after having DS1. It was hell, we have no family to help, my DH is in the military so was away a lot. I was a wreck, I broke down to my boss saying I was trying to be a good mum and a good manager and I was failing at both. She let me reduce to 4 days a week within a month of my request. It made a huge difference. Since having DS2, after my second mat leave I reduced my hours further. I now work 2 full days and 2 school-hour days. Yes I bring home less money but everyone is much happier.

Banjax · 09/02/2019 11:42

well dont feel jealous on my account, OP, I dont even get responses to my very credible CV, years of being at home because my husband is always away and destroyed my career and I cant get a job Pt or FT. Freelancing brings in nothing. Ive been jobhunting for nearly two years now.

If I knew what I knew now, I would have hung on to my career at any cost.

ElspethFlashman · 09/02/2019 11:42

I actually agree with you as I do work part time. I'm a nurse so it's not easy work by any means but working part time means I can decompress from it.

I can also do housework/shopping on my days off rather than the weekends.

I will NEVER work full time again.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 09/02/2019 11:45

Comemonday what a weird aggressive post. Should only people who think p/t sucks respond?

Original poster
resentfulandunreasonable · 09/02/2019 11:45

*Working FT when your kids are demanding and full on, and your job is rewarding, mentally stimulating yet not stressful at all, and well paid, no doubt is worth envy.

However, working FT in a pressurising job, reporting to a boss you don't respect, working with colleagues who might be nice but with whom you ha e nothing in common, constantly stressed trying to finish your workload on time whilst knowing that if you don't leave in 5mns, you are going to be late to pick up your kids from after school club, be told off again, feeling road rage on the way looking at the clock every minute still hoping to be there on time, to come home with kids who tell you how much they missed you and were looking at the window to see you coming, all this when you can hardly save for a basic holiday abroad for all to relax together... Yes, it makes you feel a bit bitter...*

Yeah, this.

OP posts:
Aeonium · 09/02/2019 11:46

I’m not looking after your DD so you can spend your money on getting married

I actually agree with this viewpoint. It sounds like you want someone to offer free childcare so you can save up to waste a large amount of money on luxuries? (yes a wedding is a luxury)

If you needed the free childcare then fair enough, but it sounds like you can afford childcare except you want to spend your money on a big party.

Janethevirgo · 09/02/2019 11:51

I work part time but I’m desperately trying to get more hours because I’m sick of being skint. I have no pension .

Heronymous · 09/02/2019 11:56

It is hard but you have to keep reminding yourself what you have - more money, better career prospects, better pension, idependence, more interesting etc.

And if those things aren’t enough, ask yourself if there is any way you can arrange things so you can go part time.

Heronymous · 09/02/2019 11:57

(I don’t mean WOHP are more interesting than SAHP by the way, just than a job can be more interesting than staying at home for some people)

speakout · 09/02/2019 11:58

Not working for a while has really opened up my view TBH.

I ditched my career when I had kids, and never looked back.

When the kids were school age I looked at ways of working at home, self employed.

I had always had a dream of being self employed, but always thought I lacked the skill or ability- running a small business was for other people- not me.
Over the years I have had several profitable projects- and have settled on one than now gives me a healthy full time salary while working only part time hours.
I could have started another half dozen projects because I saw earning potential, but was too busy with current work.

What has amazed me is how easy it is to make money from home.
It's not luck, it's being observant, seeing a gap and some chutzpah.

YouBumder · 09/02/2019 12:01

I work part time but 4 days, to me it’s the perfect arrangement. Enough time to be taken seriously and do a good job at work, plus an extra day off. I’ve done 3 days and full time as well but much prefer 4 days.

Iggly · 09/02/2019 12:01

I read an article which said that research found that working mums working full time with two children are more stressed (on average) than anyone else. Obviously you’ll always get the “whatabouttery” voices but I can see why it’s the case.

So I’m not surprised you feel like this OP.

It’s fucking shit if you haven’t got family help to cover childcare in a stressful job.

PennilessPaladin · 09/02/2019 12:01

you know that it can be very difficult to get back to where you left after a SAHM.break. Some industries are more forgiving not in some areas, you cannot take time out without it hugely affecting your career. Not only that, you lose out on pension too. it's not as easy as if take-home pay = childcare fee then work is not worth it.what happens in fhe marriage breaks down . lots of things to consider. how short sighted

Yes, I know all that, still a choice though.

SinkGirl · 09/02/2019 12:02

*I would have zero stress if I didn't have to juggle dcs and work. I honestly would as all my stress comes from fitting my dc needs around my work needs.

Sometimes I fantasise about the blissful 2-3 hours some sahms have in the morning for getting themselves and the dc ready for the day and wandering in for the school run by 9am. I have no idea how some manage to be late with all that time*

What you mean is that’s where all your stress comes from right now - different lifestyles come with different stresses. I suppose it’s different once kids are at school, I wouldn’t know, but the idea that I have leisurely time to do anything at all is so far removed from my reality.

My stress comes from the constant need to entertain, educate and keep safe two toddlers with autism and other disabilities and the insane number of appointments and therapies I’m juggling at all times - I’m basically a PA and therapist to a couple of two year olds. The rare times I do go to work (I work a very flexible part time job that involves some very important meetings requiring my brain to function) and leave them with DH it’s like a bloody spa break compared to my general day to day life.

If I worked full time, I have no doubt I’d find it stressful getting them to nursery and then to work, but I wouldn’t think for a second that life is stress free for SAHPs.

SileneOliveira · 09/02/2019 12:03

So go part time then.

ClarabellaCTL · 09/02/2019 12:06

@sileneOliveira, well bugger me why didn't she think of that??

Mmmmbrekkie · 09/02/2019 12:07

You are not being unreasonable in the slightest

I’m a single parent. I work three days a week. Without those two days I would be in my knees. Due to having those two days I feel in control happy and relaxed (most of the time!)

ClarabellaCTL · 09/02/2019 12:10

@pennilesspaladin It's not a choice for everyone! Many families can't keep their head above water unless both parents work. Nice situation to be in if you can see it as a choice.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 09/02/2019 12:13

Obviously your only options are

a) Emigration - preferably to somewhere that there is no human habitation because no matter where you go, your Great Shame will be known to all

b) Fall on your sword

SchadenfreudePersonified · 09/02/2019 12:14

Oh soddit!

Wrong thread!

As you were . . . Blush

speakout · 09/02/2019 12:15

ClarabellaCTL

Working full time is often not a choice .

Try funding childcare for 3 kids when you are on minimum wage.

Although becoming a SAHM was a choice for me initially my son had chronic health problems throughout primary school and never had attendance above 70%.
Throw in school holidays and no family support- working full time was out of the question- no choice there either.